Bear Trap...

I set it and fell right into it. Why do I care? Why do I even bother anymore. Get a good thing going, then put it on ice fro several months... only bad things can happen. Well, back on ice again. I just don't even want to deal with anyone. A part of me wants to just delete the world, make it go away. I could stop trying to keep in contact with people who seem to clearly not give a damn. The few who do, I would have to apologize if I ever saw them in person again. In the meantime it would save me some heartache and ridiculousness. I so much want a steady group of people I can depend on, but lately it just seems to be a revolving door of disappointment.

Can'tcarerightnowcantcarerrightnowcantcarerightnowcantcarerightnowcantcarerightnowcantcarerightnowcantcarerightnowcantcarerightnowcantcarerightnowcantcarerightnowcantcarerightnowcantcarerightnow






PS Percy, read your Tumblr. So sorry to hear about the what happened with your boy. Hope you all are doing well. So happy you found someone you love. It's beautiful.

FUCK!!!!!

I'm livid. I feel like an idiot. WHy did I ever trust him? Buy into his bullshit? Think anything could survive while I was away on this fucking island? Why do you get to be charming and nice, let me fall for the line of being genuine and that close the pear trap around my neck. At this point I don't think we're even friends. I should have just been smart and called you out on your shit yesterday when I had the chance, but no.... you said sorry you didn't mean to ignore me for a MONTH.  Now I'm at a loss for words. I don't know how to tell you fuck off, or if it's the right call. You say you had to check your schedule and get back to me about a something in July, well let's play the old telephone game. If a boy doesn't call in 3 days he's not interested, at this point I'll assume you're not even interested in a friendship since I don't have time to deal with this type of bullshit in my life. Especially not weeks before the biggest exam of my life thus far.

REPEAT TO SELF:

Idon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthisIdon'thavetimeforthis


FUCK

Double Life

There is my life as it is and then my life on the internet. Being isolated away from the world for almost 2 years has really brought the contrast to my attention. The weird part is lately I've been developing a growing distaste for my life as it stands right now floating in the middle of the ocean. The people here I will pretty much never see again. Now I know why no one would want to date me in the months leading up to me leaving the real world. I have no patience for anything here anymore. I don't really care about the people, the drama, the bullshit. The problem is I can't just hole up in my room everyday (like I have been as of late). I get depressed and lonely and there is only so much interaction I can deal with via a computer. I want to be done so we can say "Keep in touch, maybe I'll see you in the states" and move on with my life. I have swings where I'm fine being here and even content in reality, but there are moments where I just want to breakdown and cry in the loneliness. I know med school is tough, but add isolation to it and you're giving someone the perfect cocktail for depression. I'm not clinically depressed by any means, but I have plenty of moments where I just want to be anywhere except this place. School I can deal with, this island is slowly trying to break me (and it's become a battle not to let it win).

Call Me A Sucker...

I made it through Valentine's Day this year without a panic attack, meltdown, hell hardly even a 2nd thought. Been digging Jessie J for a bit. This song I just can't help but smile when I hear, so why not post something that doesn't sound like an emo tween wrote.












PS Is it bad that I'm sort of happy knowing other people are single even though they have options to date? There's a weird dichotomy that comes with hoping someone will wait for you and wanting them to be happy even without you.



Oh and just some other stuff I've been listening to lately that helps the hours turn to days to countdown when I'm done here...








We have to take our clothes off. We have to party all night. We have to take our clothes off to have a good time... Makes me giggle thinking about having someone to have a good time with. Yes, I am officially a giddy school girl. I can live with it for the moment.

You Blocked Me On Facebook... And Now You're Going to Die!

No I didn't get blocked. No I didn't block anyone. Yet I feel like there are parts of this song that I really connect to. I'm so dependent on the internet to talk to anyone back in the US that if they don't reply, don't answer, never start the conversation I am left wondering what went wrong? I have had some pretty ugly fleeting thoughts in times of uncertainty with this type of stuff, so I just had to post this song after I
heard it.

In other news, it seems like the rest of the world is continuing on with their personal lives. Possible dates, new relationships, hope... It hurts for several reasons in these circumstances.

1) I have sort of weird history with all the guys I talk to back in the states. We tried, sort of succeeded and failed and retried dating or whatevering over breaks, when I was home. It hasn't left me with much in terms of a boyfriend or potential boyfriend, but I have made some decent friends (most of the time).

2) Jealousy... stemming form above fucked up complicated relationships. Emotions were involve in these things, but it clearly wasn't enough to overcome a 6 month separation.

3) It points out my own lack of a personal life and I think that hurts the most... I really want them to be happy, but it takes a lot to swallow my own misery and watch them go off into the sunset. I put on my best face and bury my head back into a textbook, so I don't lash out.


Now that I've gotten that out of the way, excuse me while I go back and learn how the actual heart fucks up (Cardiovascular pathology).

What Could Have Been?

Did I blow it? I think I dismissed him before I ever gave it a chance, but he really never gave it much effort either. I made the effort to see him wherever he was, he's never been to my town for any reason. Now that we're apart I find myself thinking about him a little bit too much. It's true that he hurt me and I know that I should just move on. The problem is in some weird fucked up way I might have convinced myself the only way someone can hurt you is if you liked them to begin with. What do I care if some random guy sleeps with someone else I know? At least someone out there is getting some. Yet me being there and choosing someone else over me, like a knife in the back right where I can't reach. I spent a weekend having a panic attack trying to make it seem like nothing bothered me. I tried to pretend that I was fine when I got down here. I was shaking while I talked to him about it (even if it was just over IM). It hit me much harder than I ever thought it would, or that I thought I would let it. We both realize the reality of our situation, but I think I'm the only one dwelling. If not, he does a hell of a job at hiding it.

Is it jealousy, pride, or do I actually like this guy?








At the same time I have another guy who really likes me. He's a great guy too. Sexy, nice, safe, nerdy (my heart melts). The problem is we haven't had much of a chance to spend together. The problem with both of them is that they are both tied up in school for the next year at least. Meanwhile I have no idea where the hell I'm gonna be in the coming years. NY for a year, god knows where after that... My life will be very much locked in come Spring 2014, but until then it's all up in the air and I really can only hope to find someone who I love that loves me enough to deal with such ridiculous uncertainty and then the certain terms that come with how busy I will be once I become a resident.





Is something missing? Or am I just delusional and destined to be (in)complete by myself?

Just A Little Nothing...

So life has been super boring, but I sort of don't mind too much. The beauty of expecting nothing is you don't even bother to look up. It's very conducive to school, I just hope I don't end up in NY as this socially stunted idiot. This place is not real. It's like Fantasy Island, but it's only fantastical in the sense that all reality is severed once you step off the plane. 



EDIT: Wow I wrote this over 3 months ago and now that I've come back for my final semester I can honestly say I feel the exact same. That's impressive for me. I usually look back on certain posts and wonder what the hell I was complaining about. This time I know, I still know. I fell into a pretty deep depression my 1st week back to this place. The problem is that I had a taste of the real world only to have it thrown back in my face in some aspects then have it all ripped away for another 6 month stint here on "The Rock". Good God I really do seem to have developed nothing but hatred for this place. I guess it's no surprise when you're a burnt out student surrounded by the same people all the time with not even the slightest bit of an option even for a single date. DAMMIT!


On another note, I'm sick and it's late. I'm also so far beyond behind in school at the moment I can only pray to catch up by the time midterms roll around. It's gonna get real ugly, real quick :-(

I Don't Know Who You Are...

I just hope I find you soon.

I am what I am...

Just the latest music I've found to keep me entertained. Douglas Hodge definitely deserved the Tony for his performance if the live version is even 1/2 as good as the album. Gives me chills every time I listen to it.

I don't know what to right. My life at the moment is rather uneventful. My mom asked me if I was ok... I'm content, I'm busy, I'm alive. I guess that sort of defines OK.


PS Happy Valentine's Day. I doubt I'll be back on here until after since I have a wonderful test about parasites that day and genetics the next. Who needs chocolate and flowers from someone you love when you can answer questions about Trichinella and Echinococcus from your professor? Joy...

"Whatever it is you want in life, act like it.

If you want a boyfriend, act like it. If you want to be a whore, act like it. But the two are rarely interchangeable."

I sadly don't have the time for a boyfriend, or the desire to be a whore. Left out in the cold once again...

In other news, I randomly found I am loving these 2 tracks from Burlesque. The movie  was good, but these two songs have kind of stuck out for very different reasons. Somehow in the 3 days since I got them I've listened to them almost 100 times (not each, but still)







So I think for right now I am just going to have to settle for acting like I want to be doctor, school matters and I have no life... Who's acting?

Things lately...

Since break, I have come back to school. My life back to this grind. This term is going fine, I just feel weirdly about it. I don't know what I am going to do when real life sets in and the place I call "home" is no longer temporary. I am bored of this island already, just like I as bored of Orlando. At least here I have goals and my life isn't completely on hold. Also, this is truly just temporary and I know I'm not the only person who doesn't like this place. The biggest problem I'm having this time is that, unlike most of my friends I am tired of just drinking away everything. It's easy to find a reason to drink- school, this damned island, peer pressure, depression, desperation, social awkwardness, etc. etc. But to go be with them and not drink is impossible. They are not social drinkers, 1 or 2 is not in their vocabulary. I don't want to drink, but with them I have to. So, what are my options?

1)Abandon friends (I have kind of been avoiding them, not gonna lie)
2) Find new friends who don't drink (a lot of effort and those people are usually always studying, so not really any fun)
3) Sit alone in my room and watch movies or sleep (Since my birthday, this has been my go to)
4) Well, I don't think there is a 4... Kind of all of the above, which would best define what I have been doing

I am weirdly lonely in a place full of people. I don't mind it most of the time, but then there are those moments where I just want someone to come over or message me and ask to watch a movie or hang out and talk or go to dinner... I get tired of eating, watching movies and even sleeping alone. I have no time to cultivate a relationship, yet I just want that one person so so badly. For my selfish I need someone moments, but when I'm busy you can go entertain yourself. FUCK!

Will I ever meet someone who is that one person for me? Will I ever end up settling down in a city I can actually call home? Or will there always be something wrong, will I just get tired of them, will something better just always be out there? If it's not them it must be me... Right?

Well, I need to go to bed. I'm already going to be exhausted tomorrow as it is. I don't need to stay up any longer pondering all the questions of the universe tonight.

Sadly, I was just coming on to write how there is nothing to write about because things have been so boring. I guess I have been so lackadaisical lately I haven't even stopped to look at how miserable I can be sometimes. Dammit, should have stopped while I was ahead...

Home Sweet Home?

I love being home, but I hate my hometown. I want to be anywhere but stuck at home. I love my parents, but I feel trapped. None of my friends are here, I'm not getting any and I just want to be almost anywhere else.

Forgot to publish this over break... woops.


Addendum: I still felt this way by then end of break. The good news is I got to run away for a bit to Jacksonville and Tampa to take my mind off the numbness of home.

This About Sums Up The Last 3 Months...

Glover's (aka The only restaurant in the student center)




Classes...

Swaggerjackin...

Still loving that Keri Hilson song (see previous post). Just puts a smile on my face, a spring in my step and maybe a little swish in the hips (just when no one is lookin haha). It's been an awesome pick me up lately.

Now I also found Rihanna ft. Drake. Didn't like it at first, but this song has grown on me. It even made it into a playllist (that's pretty major in my music book).



Now for something delightfully trashy...



Gay party tonight. Let's see what drama unfolds this time. Hopefully I won't have anything to do except sit back and watch. I can hope... right?