Is It SO Wrong?

Today in my photo class a girl presented this picture of a guy with an amazing body (picture Abercrombie model) measuring his waist with a tape measure, trying to make it as small as possible. You could see the tape biting into his skin. The photos were about a friend who had battled with anorexia, but the first thing everyone noticed was the body. It's times like this I wonder how unfortunate it would be to become eating disordered. Do the ends justify the means? I just found it very bizarre to see this contrast presented in such a subtle way and even more bizarre at how most people simply couldn't see the depth.
The scary thing about male eating disorders is how little is known about them. I feel like the public has pretty much buried the issue since men aren't supposed to have these types of problems. Unfortunately all of us are stuck in a culture that worships being thin, while the majority of us are simply not.
I think I caught what it was about very quickly because I looked at them at first as simply eye candy. Like taking a picture of something geometric, patterned or textured. I felt like it's easy to make someone who looks like that look good- boring. I don't know whether it's because of the class or because of how the person looked, but my first reaction to the picture was disdain.

After that I feel shallow and disgusted with myself for letting thoughts like this creep into my head. My first thought was I'm definitely going to the gym today. I had already planned to, but this just brought that to the forefront. This is what happens when you become a histrionic exhibitionist. I better be careful, I think my insecurities are showing and they can't simply be tucked away or cut off like a tag on a shirt.
Sadly, at the moment I feel trapped. I'm not thin enough to be "beautiful" and I'm not fat enough to be considered a hopeless/lost cause. I feel like this place in between is where many of us find ourselves. We go to the gym to feel like we are working towards this goal of what our culture calls the ideal.

Next time you look in the mirror, tell me what you see. Is it good? Bad? Ugly? Is it the person you want to see? Expect to see?

Is it you?`

It's Been A While... You Won't Be Disappointed

I have been meaning to write for a bit, but life has been stressful, busy and drunk. Last blog I talked about coming out. One of my friends said he thinks I hold the record. I cam out right at the beginning of PRIDE week here at school just completely let loose. The best part about this whole experience is that I have allowed myself to be more free in general. If people can get over me liking men, than they can get over a lot of other things as well, plus it's really fun to just kind of freak people out. It's interesting to me when stereotypes are played with. They are now a tool for my own personal use and a weapon to shatter the normativity of many people's perspective on the world. One of my friends asked me the other day if I was over-stereotyped or under-stereotyped because I don't quite fit into any of them. I am a large Jewish, artistic, queer, steaky, singing football player. It's kind of like trying to tell people what color a chameleon is. It's actually amazing to be in this position because I have so many facets of myself to express and play around with and finally I don't hate any part of it. SO coming out has been a great experience at school. Still haven't told the folks at home, but we'll see how I feel once I get back there and have to live my life there again.

The boyfriend, or should I say ex. I broke up with him and it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I realized at one point that I was suddenly in a relationship I was not ready for. I am still figuring out who I am and bringing another person into that journey is just unfair. I found myself resenting him and the relationship because I couldn't mentally commit to it and hating myself even more for not being able to be stronger. The only thing harder than the break up was the ensuing game of cat and mouse that came after. It got to the point where I felt like at any moment my ex was going to be sitting on the fire escape outside my room with a knife. We finally sat down again and really talked. It has finally gotten to the point where i think we can actually be friends and I won't feel like I am playing in to his hopes of us getting back together.

It has been a long strange journey and I find myself just at the beginning of it all. I graduate college in 3 weeks. 3 weeks and my life is violently uprooted again and starts anew somewhere else. We'll see how it goes. It is an interesting experience to know you aren't really going to see most of the people around you ever again. I have 3 weeks to crash and burn or succeed greatly as far as relationships go. There is no fear and I kind of like it that way...