Sinking

For some reason I have been feeling like shit lately. Nothing is worth it. Nothing is satisfying. I packed up the last of my locker from football and as I was walking home it hit me that this was the end to a huge part of my life. I have spent 8 years playing and training for football. All I could think on the way home though was, "Here is 4 years of disappointment in a plastic garbage bag slung over one shoulder." I have loved football, but the program I ended up playing for and the end result was just not what I expected. I have watched so many statements become lies and this was the final straw. The camel fell long ago, but there is simply nothing else they can lie about anymore. The strings have all been cut and now I sit here a broken ex-athlete. The worst part is I didn't realize what was at the core of this bout of depression until my friend brought it up. I thought I had gotten over football when I tore my knee up. I guess this just made it all real. I also think that not working out is really getting to me. My knee has been really sore the last couple of days, so I guess its back to upper body lifts, walking, and maybe some elliptical. I just feel so useless. It's like when my back started bothering me, but at least this time I know what is wrong with me (physically anyways). I need to get over this. I am already behind in school and I can't even sit to read because the words just seems to blur together into a useless jumble. Some of it is actually interesting, but I am lacking the patience and motivation to enjoy, or even suffer through it.

I don't feel like doing anything. I missed a big frat event tonight, not realizing it was even happening. I showed up just in time for the end of it. TO see everyone drunk and enjoying themselves. Just in time to get booed by them all(just what I needed at the moment right?). I didn't really care, but I felt worse for simply skipping the whole thing. I knew I would feel like shit earlier if I missed it, but this was unintentional. I truly thought that they had rescheduled or something cause I was sitting around and there was absolutely NOTHING going on, so I left. Fuck! I just don't need any of this right now.

Add to this all the pressure of waiting for any medical school to even interview me and my utter failure to find someone. I just feel alone and agitated, that's on a good day. I just look around and wonder what the hell people are thinking when they become my friend only to ask, "Where are all the nice guys?" I am soooooo beyond tired hearing about the latest mistake followed by that line. Why can't I just be remorseless whore? Sometimes I feel like it would just be easier to just adopt that life- drink constantly to numb the pain and convince myself I am having a good time while I wake up next to whatever found me and dragged my lifeless body home. Unfortunately there is no magic switch, no miracle pill. It is from here that I can see why people get into drugs. They occasionally run through my mind as a fleeting desire and I just sit and wonder what would happen if I had the connections and/or energy to actually score. I smoked myself stupid for a while last term only to find my problems and disappointments still there, the only difference being that now I was waaaay behind in my work. Thank god it was an easy term, these next two are going to be quite a bit busier. Maybe that will keep my mind off of everything that is missing. Wow, I am attempting to replace comfort food and friends with comfort activities. Who needs people when you are so busy that you don't want to do anything?

"I understand, it seems
I'm the last to notice,
How anybody feels.
Is it really 'cause I feel
I'm the one that's owed it.
Am I wrong?
Am I wrong?"
-Sevendust