In my last post I had just finished telling someone my deepest feelings for them and been rejected. 12 hours later I was fine. There was no more emotion left. I actually could laugh at what an idiot I was. It's weird, because I have not put myself out there in a while and I thought that this was going to be much harder than it is. Is something wrong with me? I can talk about it like I was reading a newspaper article on dog grooming- I sat there and practically listened to my heart crack into pieces. The next day I went for a walk and about half way through it I was smiling. I guess the quote from Elle Woods (yeah I know not the most hetero source, but fuck it) really does apply here, "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't." I was never going to harm anyone else, but I am not anyone else. I sat there on the beach and this was one of the first things that came to mind, endorphins. Wow, I am such a nerd.
I guess what I really wanted to do was just write this down, so that next time I have feelings for someone and rejection is staring me square in the face I can laugh and realize that I bounced right back last time.
I am still not sure if this is good or not. I am happy that I can put myself back together, don't get me wrong. Just, does this mean I don't feel any deeper emotion? Yeah, I felt it, but only for a second. It is like I was over it before it really ever began. Is this amazing comeback covering something deeper and darker below the smile? I don't think I can dig deep enough to find out today, but it is just something to keep in mind next time I want to do a little soul searching. Just dig down and make sure that beneath it all isn't simply nothingness. I like to think I make deep connections with people, yet somewhere in all of this I begin to question just how deep it really is. Still waters run deep, but my current seems a bit too quick to wash it all away.
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