So... I decided to join a group therapy for people dealing with their sexuality. It's not a pray the gay away group. It's just a place to talk about the challenges we are all going through as young gay individuals. I haven't told anyone yet and I don't know if I will. I know it's nothing to be ashamed of to admit you need help, but it still doesn't lend itself to the idea that you are too weak to deal with it alone. It's a vulnerability and well, to be honest, I'm not in a place to be that vulnerable with anyone. It has actually been a very good experience, even if we have only had 2 meetings so far.
One thing that still continues to plague me there and well I guess in most of the gay community is that I'm not "stereotypically gay" enough. I feel like an outsider looking in, but I'm not about to run around calling everyone "Girl!" just because the gays think it's cute. It's not me... I tried to pick up some of the mannerisms and such, but I hated hearing things like that come out of my mouth (it was mostly a habit I picked up by hanging out with so many gays). I have a real problem picking up accents, speech patterns and mannerisms from people very quickly. Luckily I have gotten some away time due to illness and well, just sort of a backlash of wanting not to be with them. At the same time, I feel isolated from the straight community because I'm gay. I hate having to hide it form most of my straight friends and to be honest for the most part I don't really have the energy to go searching for friendships in school. There is no sense of community because there are about 40,000 people and almost everyone commutes. I have made a few friends through the pre-med fraternity I joined because most of them are also in my classes. But I feel like I just have this huge anxiety whenever I'm around them about whether or not they know I'm gay. I hate it. I hate all of this. What about sleeping with a man makes me less of one?
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