It hurts when your heart breaks. I finally say I love you, only to hear "I loved you." The good news is she is gone for a while, the bad news is that she is coming back and dating a friend of mine. I have watched opportunities slip through my hands before, but this one hurt so much more because I actually put my heart out on the line. I just feel completely crushed. Apparently it is too much to ask for feelings beyond friendship. I should have just left well enough alone and watched her be happy in her relationships. I see why my old pattern was so potent- it's safe. Unfortunately, either way, in the end I am the one who ends up hurt. The only difference is that now I am not suffering in complete silence. I was so looking forward to writing a happy post about this too. I had dredged my hopes from the dark pit that was a ruined senior football season and med school anxiety. Why should I get to be happy? It's not like I told anyone about my hopes and dreams. Oh wait, I definitely did. Stupid fool! Now I am going to have to field all the questions that come with a failed attempt at love. Followed by the continuous "No, I don't have anyone. I am single." And the always popular excuse, I have no time. In the past that was true, but now I can say that is honestly not the case. I had it. She even said so herself, the feelings were there. I don't fully understand it though. She was chasing another guy while having feelings for me. That was a pattern I had seen in the past, thus I chalked it up to friendship. Once she ditched the other guy I realized how deep my feelings went. Unfortunately she didn't think my feelings went deeper, maybe that's because I had already prepared for disappointment.
Why is it that love seems like this disgusting fucked up head game? I tried, for once, to actually put my bet in and lost huge.
I just need to know there are others out there right now who are there too-
"You're the one who broke my heart, you're the reason my world fell apart, you're the one who made me cry, yet I'm still in love with you and I don't know why."
"Sad isn't it? How no matter what you do or say to me... when you come running back... when you need me again... I'll be here... right here waiting for you, I'll take you back... no questions asked. Sad isn't it?"
Wow, those made me feel no better at all. Fuck it. I am calling this one a failure.
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