Here Goes Nothing...

So I tried keeping a Live Journal back in the day and recently have been looking at it more and more. I find it interesting how insignificant my problems were, how much resentfulness I had toward the world and just how deep my feelings ran. I started at a very rough point in my life that was full of indecision that the average person would have been more than happy to make, yet I dreaded. It was a time of rejection on multiple fronts, girlfriends, colleges, a random peer group here and there (not like I ever saw any of them ever again). Yet, I have decided to start up again in a time very similar only four years later.

As I was walking I found myself wondering what I would post about. I thought about my username, just that guy, and then I saw a "that guy" and realized that the just was necessary. I am not "that guy" as most people would express it, for he is the person that everyone wants to be around for some reason that appears to be unknown to all that are around him. It is like some sort of magnetism that draws people in which, as I thought about it, I seem to lack for the most part. I will develop best friends and become, I guess what I can safely call it, attached (see also- dependent, clingy, posessive). I have no need or urge to hang out with those beyond this circle until I see "that guy", the one people magically gravitate towards. This is especially common when I do actually drag myself out, look around and realize that there is no one I know. That is when I really want a drink, and by drink I mean bottle. I want so desperately not to make eye contact with someone only to recieve an awkward face and a quick diversion of the eyes.

Jesus, enough on that point for right now. Any deeper and I may never find which way is back up out of that hole. I can say that it felt good to get it out though. Sitting down and writing it just makes it real and helps acknowledge these glancing feelings that keep popping up. Maybe I'll just go get high and forget about it all. That's what I was doing a few weeks ago. If I felt down, depressed or bored and knew I could get away with it- I was high. Just because it felt good, better yet it felt like the world stopped. Like I could just sit there and not have to worry for once. Underneath this facade of a slap of beef is a mind that won't quit. Just last night I was up having an imaginary AIM conversation with someone who I have been working up the nerve to talk to. I sat there and asked myself "What are you doing? Stop it! You have a test in the morning, it's late and you need sleep!" After a few self scolds I returned right back to this dialogue of how it could go in my head. Have I hit a point of insanity?

From this stems a whole seperate scary issue. Who am I and what do I want? It seems from my track record that I desperately seek love form sources that are perfectly willing to give friendship. I sit and watch and listen as they move on to some other idiot and complain to me about it. If I hear "Find me a nice guy" or "Why aren't there any good guys?" one more time I might just snap. Unfortunately I don't play the fucked up head games most guys play and that girls apparently eat up like its fucking sugar. I am me. What you see is what you will get, always. I have no need for pretense or bullshit. Yet, somehow I attract the crazy ones and listen to the drama in their lives all the while wishing I was simply a deeper part of theirs. I know this is the plight of a nice guy and I wish I could be an asshole, but unfortunately I developed a ready ear that will hold the world's secrets and a pair of shoulders that will support all of them from crashing on top of everyone else. I feel like Atlas holding the weight of the world in a corner while everyone else simply goes about their lives adding weight to the burden. Woud it be so wrong of me to profess that I have feelings for them? I sit and take it for fear that a life without friends would hardly be worth having- "Vita sine amicitia mors."
It is so sad that in a sick sort of way I crave the stories and the experiences so I can pretend that in some messed up way I am vicariously living through them. It seems that my life never really has anything too interesting to comment on. I have no girlfriend, no hookup, no significant other. I have yet another "friend". I am pretty sure that everyone thinks I'm gonna turn out gay. Sadly, I don't know if I can completely contradict them. I don't know anything for sure. Who I like, what I like... I haven't tried enough to find out. I don't know why-scratch that, I do know why. What would happen if I liked it? Even worse, God help me if someone, hell anyone, found out. I am attracted to attractive people... does that make me bi? I don't know what to say. This is the first time I have actually ever let it escape the echoing cavern of thoughts that is my head. There, I said it (wrote it, whatever). I finally confronted this demon that haunts me every time one of my friends jokingly, or not so jokingly, calls me gay. Is it so wrong to just be yourself?
I think I am going to call it a day and find a nice drug to slip into.

God I hope my dealer is holding.