Fatal Flaw

I have been meaning to write this one for a few days, but I had the previous post started and needed to get it done before it became irrelevant and outdated. Now I can begin.

Is honesty always the best policy? What if the person you love won't love all of you? I was told the other day that I have on fatal flaw and that it is the most fatal of all. I could be a cheater, an idiot, an alcoholic and probably even abusive and she would gladly be with me, but the second you tell someone that you check out guys too it's all over. She can't deal with it, "Sorry darling, but you're not straight." That is the worst feeling ever. She is the first girl I have ever told about this whole side of me that is pretty much hidden from the world. I told the girl I am currently head over heels for that I also have fantasized about men and she rejected me. "I love you either way, you know that, but I can't date you until you are straight." It's like a dagger through my heart that she doesn't get it. When I am with her I don't need anyone else. She is absolutely drop dead gorgeous and that's just on the outside. She has everything I want in a woman. She is smart, funny, sarcastic, a little mean, interesting and it all covers up this wonderfully fragile person beneath it all. I have seen deep down what makes her who she is and I can't get enough. She has seen my true colors and now can't ever deal with it.
For those who have been reading, yes this is the same girl from December. The more I get to know her, the more I want to be with her. She is truly amazing, but unfortunately she's not understanding enough to deal with a guy who doesn't fall under the strict label of "straight". The worst part is dealing with my other friends who have no idea what is keeping us apart. I can't tell them she doesn't like me because I also think about men sometimes. None of them know this side of who i am. They simply know me as the caring sensitive one who just plays the emotional crutch. They think its another one of those situations, but they don't realize her feelings for me. She told me, "the second you are straight I can date you. Figure it out, otherwise in 5years I'm going to have to move on." I have my ultimatum. I asked her what she wants me to do. How am I supposed to figure this one out? Is it as easy as simply having sex with a man and seeing how it compares or which I prefer? What happens if I try it, don't like it and then have to keep that secret for the rest of my life? It becomes a living skeleton in my closet, one that I have to deal with simply because I had to find out. Selfish me had to see whether or not I could actually go through with the things that go on inside my head, test the fantasy with reality. She wouldn't be able to look at me the same way.
That's my bitching rant for the day. Just needed to get that one down. Being somewhere in between gay and straight is so much more difficult than being one or the other. At least the label gives you something to cling to and identify with. Anyone in the middle is just caught between two sides, both saying it's just a phase and that you will eventually end up on one side of the spectrum or the other. People don't deal well with uncertainty and fitting into the pattern just becomes so much easier than dealing with the questions.
My biggest fear is that if I were honest with whole world I would be treated like a leper amongst those I considered my friends. They're all waiting for it, but confirmation would be a bit too much for them to handle. It all comes down to the difference between thinking and knowing. If you think someone is something, there is always the possibility that it's not true, despite the evidence in front of you. Once you know something, there is no question, no intrigue, no mystery left to solve- "The most boring thing in the entire world is nudity. The second most boring thing is honesty."- Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters.

"Fatal Flaw" by South Jordan

They told me be careful
They said be weary of you
They warn persistence is the fatal flaw

I find myself waiting
Find myself hoping that you'll
One day fall into my open arms

But it's OK, you can just call me friend
Even though I mind I'll just take the backseat again
In the end I'm here
In the end just sit and stare
The season change not making way
As I'm just waiting waiting waiting for you

But I've been here a time or two
Like trying to fight the dying breath
Why is every step I take so damn hard

I've got some battle wounds from this
I've got the sinking feeling in my skin
I'm getting tired of the night
Just waiting for the light

But it's OK, you can just call me friend
Even though I mind I'll just take the backseat again
In the end I'm here
In the end just sit and stare
The season change not making way
As I'm just waiting waiting waiting for you

But it's OK, you can just call me friend
Even though I mind I'll just take the backseat again
In the end I'm here
In the end just sit and stare
The season change not making way
As I'm just waiting waiting waiting for you

They said be weary of you
They warn persistence is the fatal flaw