More and more, it feels like I'm doing a really bad impersonation of myself

I had people warn me that heading down the road of casual sex leads to emptiness, but I didn't believe them. I had to run down that dark alley, find the pot hole and face plant. Unfortunately, it is a one way street and the only thing to do is pick my ass back up and hope there is a crossroads coming up back into civilization.

I feel disgusting on so many levels. I feel subhuman as far as self worth and I also feel fat because I haven't been to the gym in a week... Ugh! I guess if I'm gonna have people talk shit about me I don't want it to be about how I let myself go. Let them call me whatever they want and shun me in public, but I may as well look good while they're doing it.

"If I can't be beautiful, I want to be invisible"

PS My education is really paying off- I know how to trick my body into thinking it slept much better than it actually did. Yay for 1 REM cycle!!!

If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t...

I feel like I have become something I never wanted to be. I have plenty of people willing to give me what I no longer want. I am tired of feeling empty, yet I don't know how to change it. I feel like I lit my life on fire last night. No, actually, fire is to long and drawn out. I feel like I decided to drop an hydrogen bomb square on the few gay friends I have tried to make in this town, just to ensure complete and utter destruction. In a moment I realized just how badly I had fucked it all up. In a moment I now no longer want to show my face out in public. I just want to crawl back to my life before this. It wasn't glamorous, but god, at least I was doing well in school and I didn't feel like crap every other day.

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you can find your prince right? When will I feel some emotional connection to someone deeper than an orgasm? What is wrong with me? I just want that amazing feeling of I want you, I need you, please be mine...

"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me.
A mutual addiction"

There lies the problem... I feel like I miss the connection by just a bit. I want someone in my life to be my cocaine. I want them more than food, water and most importantly more than anyone else.

Until then I will just be sitting here, wishing I had just gone to a movie yesterday instead of playing dumb (unfortunately I wasn't playing, but I think everyone else is pretty sure it was just blatant disrespect and gall).

Being Sick Sure Gives You Way too Much Time to Reflect on Things

So, I have been meaning to get some things down on here. Since the last time things have gone in some rather ridiculous and crazy directions.

I am now back in school and while it keeps me busy I have a fair amount of free time, which for a while I was filling with men. At some point I looked and asked myself, "What am I doing?" Right now I am trying to piece things together and figure out this new scene I have found myself in. My biggest fear is I wake up one morning and find myself a friendless whore, it is apparently pretty easy to do in this cruel small city.

Have actually met a few decent guys online that have turned into more than just hook ups. None are boyfriend material, but friendship seems to work better for me than relationships. So, right now I am trying to meet people and make friends in this new city. Although the feeling I get is that if you want friendship, don't ask gay men especially online.

Despite all that I have made a few great friends via a guy I met online who is actually my age (nice change from the 40+ year olds that are usually lurking out there). He has introduced me to some of his friends who live around here and I am now able to almost start networking and making friends here sans internet. We'll see how things go.

Also since my last post, the girl who was fucking my best friend had since stopped and we were talking. Next thing I knew she had a real boyfriend. I talked to her the other day and she said it ended because her heart belongs to me. Wow... At one point I could have said the same, but now I am not so sure. I feel awful about it, but know I can't help it. She had my heart, but then I thought she was out of my life. It's almost like the blonde girl up at school, but a bigger mess. Oh, well. We'll see how things work out. I am not opposed to going on a date and see where things go form there.

In the time since my last blog I also cut ties with a guy who helped me when I was struggling with the whole idea of even messing around with men. I have come a long way since then and somewhere along the line I think he reminded me of that darm time in my life where I wasn't sure and pretty much hated myself. Somehow talking to him brought me back to that place each conversation. Add to that the direction our relationship was heading and my utter fear of actually confronting things and here we are. I feel awful about it, but it was one of those things that I sadly had to do. I still check up on him via his blog and really do wish him all the best.

Lastly- I say I don't know what I'm looking for, but that's not true. I am looking for that spark, that feeling, that deep intangible something that is found in great relationships. I understand they aren't easy to maintain, but shouldn't there be a point in the beginning at least where you are not attempting to force it to work. I knwo this exists because a friend of mine just found it, granted it was with a girl, but it still gives me hope. There are times where I fee like a failure in love because unfortuantely all I have lately to show for my efforts are burning wreckage and unrequited crushes. Well, the hunt continues.

Until next time...

Perfect Timing

I have just been smitten by a girl who is currently sleeping with my best friend. The real kicker is that he has a girlfriend and she knows it. There's a whole long explanation, but let's just say it's not cheating (I don't get it, but it's the truth). But I digress, back to her. She is smart, beautiful, ambitious, sarcastic and the best part is that she likes me. The worst part is the timing of it all. Why can't anything in my life be simple? Am I destined to fall for girls who are with other guys?

This comes on the wings of me wondering what I am. Who am I attracted to? Is it really possible to be attracted to men and women? I saw this girl and time stood still for a moment. It just adds to the confusion that is my fucked up head. Anyways, I think we'll leave this there. I am a mess.

It is what it is...

A Few Things About Me

I have decided to try and start posting things other than my rants on here. I was laying in bed the other night and realized that anyone who would flip through this blog would find a weird kid depressed because he doesn't know which way is up in life. They wouldn't know that I love singing and photography. I have to go to the gym regularly otherwise I become neurotic and depressed. Music can set or reset my mood. There is something special about the moment a great song comes on, it can completely reverse even the worst moods (even if it is only temporarily).

Ok, this is a start. I am kind of out of things to say at the moment. I'll figure it out. More to come soon

How Much WilL Things Really Ever Change?

Tomorrow I am graduating from college. Tomorrow I get to figure out what I am doing with the rest of my life. I am 22 and feel completely lost. The thing I hate most about the medical profession is that you have to be completely on top of your shit to become a part of it. I can't just wander and wade through until I find what's right. I have to decide soon. I am beginning to feel trapped by what I want to do and it's scaring me. I have no back up plan, no alternative career. There is medicine at the moment and that's about it. Jesus, is this how the future is supposed to feel? "When did the future switch from being a promise to being a threat?" I just want to know if I am doing the right thing, is that so wrong? That's my professional life, my personal life is in soooooo much more of an uproar.
I am sitting here with my brother watching a movie and wondering whether or not I should tell him about everything with me and men. Is there ever a convenient time to tell people about your sexual preference? A perfect moment to come out? I just don't want to be stuck back in the conventions that I have lived in for so long and finally broke free of, but when I tell people from home it's permanent. Even if this is just a phase it will forever be a part of my history that can come out to whoever I am dating. What happens if I end up with a woman? Are my parents really going to bring up old baby pictures and casually slip in that I also used to like men? If I end up with a guy it is much easier to explain this type of confusion and experimenting. Anyone who has battled with heir sexuality knows what I mean. It is difficult being the minority and such an outcast minority at that. Sexual identity is one of those things that makes far too many people uncomfortable to deal with, especially in America. I have met a few foreign kids who say that things like this are no big deal. Who you sleep with is not a defining characteristic of who you are. I wish that was the case here. I can't help but feel like when I go home it's a whole different ball game. People at this college are taught to appreciate diversity. In the South that's not always the case.

No time like the present I guess...

Just What Did I Give Up?

Unfortunately when you have screwed up your sleep schedule as much as I have you may find yourself at night rolling around for hours at a time. This is a dangerous time when you can't figure things out otherwise. I sat in bed the other night just pondering over everything that I talked about in the last post and then suddenly my ex came up in my mind. I started thinking to myself why did I ever leave him? There was nothing wrong with it. We were happy, he was a good guy, he was good to me and I threw it all away. I just felt so stupid. Then the next day I saw him for the first time in about a week. Suddenly all those thoughts came rushing back and hit me like a fist in the face. I nearly had a panic attack. I don't know what I am doing with my life or my relationships, but I realized that everything I have done has made it so that I couldn't go back if I wanted to. It just added to all of the confusion I have been feeling lately and drove me deeper into my questioning mind. Jesus, I'm a mess. I need to stop having random panic attacks.

FUCK!

You have to jump into disaster with both feet.

What I really hate is me so I hate pretty much everybody.

Your birth is a mistake you will spend your whole life trying to correct.

Who Am I?

I just had my final critiques for sculpture and photo. It was a very bizarre experience to talk to professors outside of the sciences about my future. I sit here without any idea of what I'm sure about in my life anymore. I look at the life I have planned out and wonder if I have actually found myself in it all. Am I really sure that i want to go to medical school? Hell for that matter am I even sure about who I am? Recently I have been feeling very bizarre about the person I am becoming. I don't know if I am changing for the better or worse. I feel like the life I am leading is nothing remotely close to the dreams I had. I almost feel like I have wandered too far away from it to ever make that who I end up being. The wife and kids and a dog... I see it flying out the window and it scares me so much that I have come to question everything else.

On top of all of this I have also recently admitted to myself that I have a drinking problem and I'm seriously doubting whether or not I will ever be able to feel true deep unselfish love. Lately I have simply spent a lot of my time being numb and just getting through it all. I think a change of scenery would be a great benefit and there is no better time than after college graduation to get such a change. I just hope I can keep the voice in my head that keeps telling me to do terrible things down for long enough to make it out of here alive and unharmed. I don't have any crutches left to depend on, it's going to be one long and bumpy ride.

I got troubled thoughts
And the self-esteem to match
What a catch

Is It SO Wrong?

Today in my photo class a girl presented this picture of a guy with an amazing body (picture Abercrombie model) measuring his waist with a tape measure, trying to make it as small as possible. You could see the tape biting into his skin. The photos were about a friend who had battled with anorexia, but the first thing everyone noticed was the body. It's times like this I wonder how unfortunate it would be to become eating disordered. Do the ends justify the means? I just found it very bizarre to see this contrast presented in such a subtle way and even more bizarre at how most people simply couldn't see the depth.
The scary thing about male eating disorders is how little is known about them. I feel like the public has pretty much buried the issue since men aren't supposed to have these types of problems. Unfortunately all of us are stuck in a culture that worships being thin, while the majority of us are simply not.
I think I caught what it was about very quickly because I looked at them at first as simply eye candy. Like taking a picture of something geometric, patterned or textured. I felt like it's easy to make someone who looks like that look good- boring. I don't know whether it's because of the class or because of how the person looked, but my first reaction to the picture was disdain.

After that I feel shallow and disgusted with myself for letting thoughts like this creep into my head. My first thought was I'm definitely going to the gym today. I had already planned to, but this just brought that to the forefront. This is what happens when you become a histrionic exhibitionist. I better be careful, I think my insecurities are showing and they can't simply be tucked away or cut off like a tag on a shirt.
Sadly, at the moment I feel trapped. I'm not thin enough to be "beautiful" and I'm not fat enough to be considered a hopeless/lost cause. I feel like this place in between is where many of us find ourselves. We go to the gym to feel like we are working towards this goal of what our culture calls the ideal.

Next time you look in the mirror, tell me what you see. Is it good? Bad? Ugly? Is it the person you want to see? Expect to see?

Is it you?`

It's Been A While... You Won't Be Disappointed

I have been meaning to write for a bit, but life has been stressful, busy and drunk. Last blog I talked about coming out. One of my friends said he thinks I hold the record. I cam out right at the beginning of PRIDE week here at school just completely let loose. The best part about this whole experience is that I have allowed myself to be more free in general. If people can get over me liking men, than they can get over a lot of other things as well, plus it's really fun to just kind of freak people out. It's interesting to me when stereotypes are played with. They are now a tool for my own personal use and a weapon to shatter the normativity of many people's perspective on the world. One of my friends asked me the other day if I was over-stereotyped or under-stereotyped because I don't quite fit into any of them. I am a large Jewish, artistic, queer, steaky, singing football player. It's kind of like trying to tell people what color a chameleon is. It's actually amazing to be in this position because I have so many facets of myself to express and play around with and finally I don't hate any part of it. SO coming out has been a great experience at school. Still haven't told the folks at home, but we'll see how I feel once I get back there and have to live my life there again.

The boyfriend, or should I say ex. I broke up with him and it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I realized at one point that I was suddenly in a relationship I was not ready for. I am still figuring out who I am and bringing another person into that journey is just unfair. I found myself resenting him and the relationship because I couldn't mentally commit to it and hating myself even more for not being able to be stronger. The only thing harder than the break up was the ensuing game of cat and mouse that came after. It got to the point where I felt like at any moment my ex was going to be sitting on the fire escape outside my room with a knife. We finally sat down again and really talked. It has finally gotten to the point where i think we can actually be friends and I won't feel like I am playing in to his hopes of us getting back together.

It has been a long strange journey and I find myself just at the beginning of it all. I graduate college in 3 weeks. 3 weeks and my life is violently uprooted again and starts anew somewhere else. We'll see how it goes. It is an interesting experience to know you aren't really going to see most of the people around you ever again. I have 3 weeks to crash and burn or succeed greatly as far as relationships go. There is no fear and I kind of like it that way...

Coming Out...

This blog has seen me come out over time to myself, but now it's coming to the point where I may be getting ready to come out to the rest of the world as well. I have a boyfriend who loves me and things couldn't be better, except that our love is kept secret by my fear of how other people will react. It's not that I think that people will try to lynch me, let's be honest I am bigger than most. My fear is not so much of the big fatalistic reactions that do occur when I think about the worst case, but the smaller changes in my friends. There is a part of me that feels like coming out would change things between some of my best friends here. It's not like telling people you like chocolate ice cream over vanilla, as much as we wish it could be. Sexual preference/orientation/whatever PC term just came up is unfortunately a label that spreads beyond the boundaries that it should. I like men and women... What is the big deal? I may start testing it out on my friends. There are 3 people I have told and there are a handful of gay guys who have caught on to my relationship and thus know about me. It's going to be an interesting ride, we'll see where it takes me. I'll fill in how it goes.

Oh, one last thing, I need to work on my drinking habits. Since we're putting things out there. I just have a tendency to get way too drunk, way too quickly and it usually doesn't end pretty. I am working on it at the moment, I am being berated by several people simultaneously about it, so we shall see how it goes. Plan of action- restrict number of drinks consumed in a night (7-8 instead of 12+) and avoid shots at all costs. Success begets success, so next post should be about

Happiness Is An Odd Sensation, Revenge Is Almost As Sweet As They Say...

I have finally found someone to fill the void that love leaves in many of us at one point or another. I now have a boyfriend. He is amazing. We can sit around and just look at each other for hours at a time. Everything is great. I have found a man who makes me happy. I took a chance on love and won this time around. God, I'm in love. I am kind of new to it all and I love him, but there are some cute guys in the world. I have to promise myself that I won't become at whore and break the heart of someone I actually love for the sake of experimenting with my sexuality. I know I'm kind of late to the game, but he makes me happy and I can't screw this one up. I'm so selfish sometimes.
And then there is the girl. The former bane of my love and attention. I found myself listening to a song recently that describes how I feel about her (it's at the bottom of the post, don't worry). I had dinner with her the other night when she figured it all out. The hickeys on my neck were kind of a give away and she knows me too well for me to lie to her about it. I saw a piece of her die a bit. The fact that I was no longer waiting for her, dependent upon her, it killed her to see me happy. She knows she made a bad decision and it is finally sinking in that I am not going to just sit around and be hers. She tried to tell me she was happy and if you read a transcript of the conversation it would be very convincing. She said all the right things in the least convincing way I have ever heard. There was a moment where I felt sorry for her and then I started relishing in it. I was the happy one. I don't think she has been consistently happy with any of her relationships in a long time, but her emotional adulterer now had a relationship of his own. The affair has ended and she is now left with the reality of her retarded boyfriend. Does it make me a bad person to enjoy seeing her regret breaking my heart?

The All-American Reject- Gives You Hell

I wake up every evening
With a big smile on my face
And it never feels out of place
And you're still probably working
At a nine to five pace
I wonder how bad that tastes

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell

Now where's your picket fence love
And where's that shiny car
And did it ever get you far
You never seemed so tense love
I've never seen you fall so hard
Do you know where you are

And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool you're just as well
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell

Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself
Where did it all go wrong?
But the list goes on and on

And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well
Hope it gives you hell

Now you'll never see
What you've done to me
You can take back your memories
They're no good to me
And here's all your lies
You can't look me in the eyes
With the sad, sad look
That you wear so well

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool you're just as well
Hope it gives you hell

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you hear this song and you sing along but you never tell
Then you're the fool, I'm just as well
Hope it gives you hell

When you hear this song
I hope that it will give you hell

You can sing along
I hope that it puts you through hell

Relief...

Well, it turns out the guy from the previous post has become my very good friend. I came out to him, told him I like men and women. I think he had an idea with the things we had been talking about lately, but he didn't want to pressure me. It kind of was jerked out last night by one of the interns when we were sitting around, but I told him later about everything. He sat there and tried to give me advice and make me feel better and encouraged me to be who I am. In his eyes your happiness is worth way more than what someone is going to say or think. It was just nice to finally talk to someone face to face about all of this. We stayed up all night talking. Then I slept over in his bed and we just kind of spooned for a few hours. It was already mid-morning by the time we went to sleep. It was amazing. I felt like the world need not go further than him. At that moment he was all I needed and I wrapped my arms around him pretty tightly. It was glorious. Just wanted to write that before things get too ridiculous over the next few days. I'm so screwed for classes...

Use Caution When Retrieving Your Personal Belongings, As Contents Do Shift During Flight

What happens when the tide turns and your standing still? It has finally happened. The girl, the best and worst thing in my life at the moment, has finally begun to lose her hold on me. It took her being here for it to happen, but it has. I have found a crack in the armor. Her power is completely dependent upon my availability. It is freeing to know that I have made it through a fight and didn't have to give in. Usually I am the one that concedes or whatever just to smooth it all over. I hate conflict and I hate to see people suffer even more. This time, it was nice to know that I could get to her though. I have come to realize that this I am not a puppet on the strings of her twisted plot. It felt like that on and off at times, a hard pill to swallow knowingly. The second I brought up another girl though, I felt all of the strings break for good. There is a vulnerability, a weakness. If I wasn't as nice of a guy as I am (not a self call when everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE, describes me as "a nice guy"), I would exploit it and make her so bitterly jealous she couldn't stand it. Unfortunately I am too nice, don't think I could look at myself in the mirror after going through the lengths needed for that to occur. Besides, I am too busy at the moment. Sculpture is definitely going to be a hassle, but a fun creative hassle.

On another note, I have made a new friend. He is a great guy. He's real down to earth and super cute. He's a head shorter than I am (making him around 5' 8"-5'10"), he has amazing blue eyes, he's thin and in shape and he kind of reminds me of an elf, but in a good way. He is bi, and at the moment he thinks I am straight. Although, I'm sure he has his doubts considering the things we talk about. I have spent two nights this week just hanging out with him and watching movies until morning. I am so happy I expanded my circle of friends. He is one of the first real life guys that I have actually been attracted to and know.

Feels good to write a positive note for once. If anyone happens to be reading feel free to comment, any feedback is always appreciated on any of the posts.

To a certain special someone, you aren't obligated because I will talk to you outside of this anyways.

Song lyrics for the post-
"And isn't this exactly where you'd like me
I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know
Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety"
- Panic at the Disco, But It's Better If You Do

Fatal Flaw

I have been meaning to write this one for a few days, but I had the previous post started and needed to get it done before it became irrelevant and outdated. Now I can begin.

Is honesty always the best policy? What if the person you love won't love all of you? I was told the other day that I have on fatal flaw and that it is the most fatal of all. I could be a cheater, an idiot, an alcoholic and probably even abusive and she would gladly be with me, but the second you tell someone that you check out guys too it's all over. She can't deal with it, "Sorry darling, but you're not straight." That is the worst feeling ever. She is the first girl I have ever told about this whole side of me that is pretty much hidden from the world. I told the girl I am currently head over heels for that I also have fantasized about men and she rejected me. "I love you either way, you know that, but I can't date you until you are straight." It's like a dagger through my heart that she doesn't get it. When I am with her I don't need anyone else. She is absolutely drop dead gorgeous and that's just on the outside. She has everything I want in a woman. She is smart, funny, sarcastic, a little mean, interesting and it all covers up this wonderfully fragile person beneath it all. I have seen deep down what makes her who she is and I can't get enough. She has seen my true colors and now can't ever deal with it.
For those who have been reading, yes this is the same girl from December. The more I get to know her, the more I want to be with her. She is truly amazing, but unfortunately she's not understanding enough to deal with a guy who doesn't fall under the strict label of "straight". The worst part is dealing with my other friends who have no idea what is keeping us apart. I can't tell them she doesn't like me because I also think about men sometimes. None of them know this side of who i am. They simply know me as the caring sensitive one who just plays the emotional crutch. They think its another one of those situations, but they don't realize her feelings for me. She told me, "the second you are straight I can date you. Figure it out, otherwise in 5years I'm going to have to move on." I have my ultimatum. I asked her what she wants me to do. How am I supposed to figure this one out? Is it as easy as simply having sex with a man and seeing how it compares or which I prefer? What happens if I try it, don't like it and then have to keep that secret for the rest of my life? It becomes a living skeleton in my closet, one that I have to deal with simply because I had to find out. Selfish me had to see whether or not I could actually go through with the things that go on inside my head, test the fantasy with reality. She wouldn't be able to look at me the same way.
That's my bitching rant for the day. Just needed to get that one down. Being somewhere in between gay and straight is so much more difficult than being one or the other. At least the label gives you something to cling to and identify with. Anyone in the middle is just caught between two sides, both saying it's just a phase and that you will eventually end up on one side of the spectrum or the other. People don't deal well with uncertainty and fitting into the pattern just becomes so much easier than dealing with the questions.
My biggest fear is that if I were honest with whole world I would be treated like a leper amongst those I considered my friends. They're all waiting for it, but confirmation would be a bit too much for them to handle. It all comes down to the difference between thinking and knowing. If you think someone is something, there is always the possibility that it's not true, despite the evidence in front of you. Once you know something, there is no question, no intrigue, no mystery left to solve- "The most boring thing in the entire world is nudity. The second most boring thing is honesty."- Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters.

"Fatal Flaw" by South Jordan

They told me be careful
They said be weary of you
They warn persistence is the fatal flaw

I find myself waiting
Find myself hoping that you'll
One day fall into my open arms

But it's OK, you can just call me friend
Even though I mind I'll just take the backseat again
In the end I'm here
In the end just sit and stare
The season change not making way
As I'm just waiting waiting waiting for you

But I've been here a time or two
Like trying to fight the dying breath
Why is every step I take so damn hard

I've got some battle wounds from this
I've got the sinking feeling in my skin
I'm getting tired of the night
Just waiting for the light

But it's OK, you can just call me friend
Even though I mind I'll just take the backseat again
In the end I'm here
In the end just sit and stare
The season change not making way
As I'm just waiting waiting waiting for you

But it's OK, you can just call me friend
Even though I mind I'll just take the backseat again
In the end I'm here
In the end just sit and stare
The season change not making way
As I'm just waiting waiting waiting for you

They said be weary of you
They warn persistence is the fatal flaw