Suck it up...

It hurts when your heart breaks. I finally say I love you, only to hear "I loved you." The good news is she is gone for a while, the bad news is that she is coming back and dating a friend of mine. I have watched opportunities slip through my hands before, but this one hurt so much more because I actually put my heart out on the line. I just feel completely crushed. Apparently it is too much to ask for feelings beyond friendship. I should have just left well enough alone and watched her be happy in her relationships. I see why my old pattern was so potent- it's safe. Unfortunately, either way, in the end I am the one who ends up hurt. The only difference is that now I am not suffering in complete silence. I was so looking forward to writing a happy post about this too. I had dredged my hopes from the dark pit that was a ruined senior football season and med school anxiety. Why should I get to be happy? It's not like I told anyone about my hopes and dreams. Oh wait, I definitely did. Stupid fool! Now I am going to have to field all the questions that come with a failed attempt at love. Followed by the continuous "No, I don't have anyone. I am single." And the always popular excuse, I have no time. In the past that was true, but now I can say that is honestly not the case. I had it. She even said so herself, the feelings were there. I don't fully understand it though. She was chasing another guy while having feelings for me. That was a pattern I had seen in the past, thus I chalked it up to friendship. Once she ditched the other guy I realized how deep my feelings went. Unfortunately she didn't think my feelings went deeper, maybe that's because I had already prepared for disappointment.
Why is it that love seems like this disgusting fucked up head game? I tried, for once, to actually put my bet in and lost huge.


I just need to know there are others out there right now who are there too-

"You're the one who broke my heart, you're the reason my world fell apart, you're the one who made me cry, yet I'm still in love with you and I don't know why."

"Sad isn't it? How no matter what you do or say to me... when you come running back... when you need me again... I'll be here... right here waiting for you, I'll take you back... no questions asked. Sad isn't it?"

Wow, those made me feel no better at all. Fuck it. I am calling this one a failure.

Friends to keep our heads above water and our wrists intact

I thank God every day for friends like Emily. Talking to her allows the whole world to make sense. I analyzed my love confession with her and got some amazing feedback, including calling me out for being such a fucking chicken. It was just nice to hear that I had made the right initial move, but not bringing it up was the chicken shit thing to do. I recognized that, but having her tell me the good as well as the bad was nice. So, we have a solution. I just need to act on it. We'll see where that takes me. Unfortunately I still have to wait for her to get back from Australia before things will actually go anywhere beyond what they have been. It is hard enough to start a relationship, but starting it between two people that are on opposite sides of the world is simply ludicrous. We shall see where it goes from here. Just figured I would write while things are good.

Quote for this post:
"Breathe life, for you are not alone
Breathe life, inside your heart of stone"
-Killswitch Engage

Accomplishments and Disappointments

In my first blog I mentioned speaking to two people. One I couldn't work up the nerve for and the other I couldn't tell how I truly felt. Since then I have done just that. I finally im'd one and told the other my true feelings. The first encounter went fine with the one. It was the confession that has become the bane of my existence. Unfortunately, but not completely, I was drunk and confessed via AIM. She knew I was drunk, but I don't think she knows that I meant every word of it. I had been planning on doing exactly what I did. She's leaving the country for a few months in two weeks, so my timing was perfect as usual. I pretty much made a complete fool of myself. I expressed myself about as eloquently as a four year old. I put my heart out and I think it scared her.

The good news is we both played it off the next morning. She told me how drunk I was, but there was no mention of my emotional acrobatics. I am pretty sure I am in love with this girl. I have done everything except explicitly say those 3 words that we all wish someone would say to us, but are just as universally afraid of the consequences. It is so utterly pathetic that fear can keep us from what we want most. I'll leave it on that thought for now.

No Sleep, Why Not?

As I sit on the plane I decided that the limited card games I can play on my computer were no longer interesting and writing a post sounded like more fun. I’m now done with 1/3 of my senior year. Everyone I know is nervous and excited and whatever about what they’re doing after college. Who’s working where and so on… Every time someone asks me my plans and I have to admit them I start to worry. I mean, medical school is a great goal, but if I don’t get in I am fucked. I have no backup plan, no safety net. Having to think about that is the part that worries me. I’m not going to hear shit until the Spring because I’m not smart enough to compete with the kids who had perfect grades and MCAT scores. God, just let me get in somewhere. I would take it… really, anywhere. I’ll figure out the money later.

On another note I just said goodbye to my two best friends at school. I spent 80-90% of my time with them this term and neither of them are going to be back for winter. The most miserable term of the year and I have just been left without the people that get me best. The people that don’t ask me why I never hang out, know me all too well and love to just chill. Granted one of them was the subject of part of the last post, I can honestly say I have another crush. She is cute, funny, sarcastic, real and best of all she gets me. Unfortunately I simply listen to her tell me about who she is interested and whether or not I know any good guys for her. Wonderful! Here we go again. Such is life?!? Damnit.

Wow, maybe I am just too tired to delve any deeper than the thoughts that skim the surface of my mind. There were other things I had meant to mention, but sitting here at 37,000 feet they evade me. I kind of want to try “the circuit” (read Choke) but doubt I have the balls to actually go through with it. I wonder if it even exists. Probably not on this plane… small bathrooms.

I’m gonna give up now, should anything else come to me this page will be the first to know… Kind of upset at myself over the fact that my first post was so good and exactly what I was looking to do and this one seems so superficial and basic. Till next time.

Here Goes Nothing...

So I tried keeping a Live Journal back in the day and recently have been looking at it more and more. I find it interesting how insignificant my problems were, how much resentfulness I had toward the world and just how deep my feelings ran. I started at a very rough point in my life that was full of indecision that the average person would have been more than happy to make, yet I dreaded. It was a time of rejection on multiple fronts, girlfriends, colleges, a random peer group here and there (not like I ever saw any of them ever again). Yet, I have decided to start up again in a time very similar only four years later.

As I was walking I found myself wondering what I would post about. I thought about my username, just that guy, and then I saw a "that guy" and realized that the just was necessary. I am not "that guy" as most people would express it, for he is the person that everyone wants to be around for some reason that appears to be unknown to all that are around him. It is like some sort of magnetism that draws people in which, as I thought about it, I seem to lack for the most part. I will develop best friends and become, I guess what I can safely call it, attached (see also- dependent, clingy, posessive). I have no need or urge to hang out with those beyond this circle until I see "that guy", the one people magically gravitate towards. This is especially common when I do actually drag myself out, look around and realize that there is no one I know. That is when I really want a drink, and by drink I mean bottle. I want so desperately not to make eye contact with someone only to recieve an awkward face and a quick diversion of the eyes.

Jesus, enough on that point for right now. Any deeper and I may never find which way is back up out of that hole. I can say that it felt good to get it out though. Sitting down and writing it just makes it real and helps acknowledge these glancing feelings that keep popping up. Maybe I'll just go get high and forget about it all. That's what I was doing a few weeks ago. If I felt down, depressed or bored and knew I could get away with it- I was high. Just because it felt good, better yet it felt like the world stopped. Like I could just sit there and not have to worry for once. Underneath this facade of a slap of beef is a mind that won't quit. Just last night I was up having an imaginary AIM conversation with someone who I have been working up the nerve to talk to. I sat there and asked myself "What are you doing? Stop it! You have a test in the morning, it's late and you need sleep!" After a few self scolds I returned right back to this dialogue of how it could go in my head. Have I hit a point of insanity?

From this stems a whole seperate scary issue. Who am I and what do I want? It seems from my track record that I desperately seek love form sources that are perfectly willing to give friendship. I sit and watch and listen as they move on to some other idiot and complain to me about it. If I hear "Find me a nice guy" or "Why aren't there any good guys?" one more time I might just snap. Unfortunately I don't play the fucked up head games most guys play and that girls apparently eat up like its fucking sugar. I am me. What you see is what you will get, always. I have no need for pretense or bullshit. Yet, somehow I attract the crazy ones and listen to the drama in their lives all the while wishing I was simply a deeper part of theirs. I know this is the plight of a nice guy and I wish I could be an asshole, but unfortunately I developed a ready ear that will hold the world's secrets and a pair of shoulders that will support all of them from crashing on top of everyone else. I feel like Atlas holding the weight of the world in a corner while everyone else simply goes about their lives adding weight to the burden. Woud it be so wrong of me to profess that I have feelings for them? I sit and take it for fear that a life without friends would hardly be worth having- "Vita sine amicitia mors."
It is so sad that in a sick sort of way I crave the stories and the experiences so I can pretend that in some messed up way I am vicariously living through them. It seems that my life never really has anything too interesting to comment on. I have no girlfriend, no hookup, no significant other. I have yet another "friend". I am pretty sure that everyone thinks I'm gonna turn out gay. Sadly, I don't know if I can completely contradict them. I don't know anything for sure. Who I like, what I like... I haven't tried enough to find out. I don't know why-scratch that, I do know why. What would happen if I liked it? Even worse, God help me if someone, hell anyone, found out. I am attracted to attractive people... does that make me bi? I don't know what to say. This is the first time I have actually ever let it escape the echoing cavern of thoughts that is my head. There, I said it (wrote it, whatever). I finally confronted this demon that haunts me every time one of my friends jokingly, or not so jokingly, calls me gay. Is it so wrong to just be yourself?
I think I am going to call it a day and find a nice drug to slip into.

God I hope my dealer is holding.