This blog has seen me come out over time to myself, but now it's coming to the point where I may be getting ready to come out to the rest of the world as well. I have a boyfriend who loves me and things couldn't be better, except that our love is kept secret by my fear of how other people will react. It's not that I think that people will try to lynch me, let's be honest I am bigger than most. My fear is not so much of the big fatalistic reactions that do occur when I think about the worst case, but the smaller changes in my friends. There is a part of me that feels like coming out would change things between some of my best friends here. It's not like telling people you like chocolate ice cream over vanilla, as much as we wish it could be. Sexual preference/orientation/whatever PC term just came up is unfortunately a label that spreads beyond the boundaries that it should. I like men and women... What is the big deal? I may start testing it out on my friends. There are 3 people I have told and there are a handful of gay guys who have caught on to my relationship and thus know about me. It's going to be an interesting ride, we'll see where it takes me. I'll fill in how it goes.
Oh, one last thing, I need to work on my drinking habits. Since we're putting things out there. I just have a tendency to get way too drunk, way too quickly and it usually doesn't end pretty. I am working on it at the moment, I am being berated by several people simultaneously about it, so we shall see how it goes. Plan of action- restrict number of drinks consumed in a night (7-8 instead of 12+) and avoid shots at all costs. Success begets success, so next post should be about
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Happiness Is An Odd Sensation, Revenge Is Almost As Sweet As They Say...
I have finally found someone to fill the void that love leaves in many of us at one point or another. I now have a boyfriend. He is amazing. We can sit around and just look at each other for hours at a time. Everything is great. I have found a man who makes me happy. I took a chance on love and won this time around. God, I'm in love. I am kind of new to it all and I love him, but there are some cute guys in the world. I have to promise myself that I won't become at whore and break the heart of someone I actually love for the sake of experimenting with my sexuality. I know I'm kind of late to the game, but he makes me happy and I can't screw this one up. I'm so selfish sometimes.
And then there is the girl. The former bane of my love and attention. I found myself listening to a song recently that describes how I feel about her (it's at the bottom of the post, don't worry). I had dinner with her the other night when she figured it all out. The hickeys on my neck were kind of a give away and she knows me too well for me to lie to her about it. I saw a piece of her die a bit. The fact that I was no longer waiting for her, dependent upon her, it killed her to see me happy. She knows she made a bad decision and it is finally sinking in that I am not going to just sit around and be hers. She tried to tell me she was happy and if you read a transcript of the conversation it would be very convincing. She said all the right things in the least convincing way I have ever heard. There was a moment where I felt sorry for her and then I started relishing in it. I was the happy one. I don't think she has been consistently happy with any of her relationships in a long time, but her emotional adulterer now had a relationship of his own. The affair has ended and she is now left with the reality of her retarded boyfriend. Does it make me a bad person to enjoy seeing her regret breaking my heart?
And then there is the girl. The former bane of my love and attention. I found myself listening to a song recently that describes how I feel about her (it's at the bottom of the post, don't worry). I had dinner with her the other night when she figured it all out. The hickeys on my neck were kind of a give away and she knows me too well for me to lie to her about it. I saw a piece of her die a bit. The fact that I was no longer waiting for her, dependent upon her, it killed her to see me happy. She knows she made a bad decision and it is finally sinking in that I am not going to just sit around and be hers. She tried to tell me she was happy and if you read a transcript of the conversation it would be very convincing. She said all the right things in the least convincing way I have ever heard. There was a moment where I felt sorry for her and then I started relishing in it. I was the happy one. I don't think she has been consistently happy with any of her relationships in a long time, but her emotional adulterer now had a relationship of his own. The affair has ended and she is now left with the reality of her retarded boyfriend. Does it make me a bad person to enjoy seeing her regret breaking my heart?
The All-American Reject- Gives You Hell
I wake up every evening
With a big smile on my face
And it never feels out of place
And you're still probably working
At a nine to five pace
I wonder how bad that tastes
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
Now where's your picket fence love
And where's that shiny car
And did it ever get you far
You never seemed so tense love
I've never seen you fall so hard
Do you know where you are
And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool you're just as well
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself
Where did it all go wrong?
But the list goes on and on
And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well
Hope it gives you hell
Now you'll never see
What you've done to me
You can take back your memories
They're no good to me
And here's all your lies
You can't look me in the eyes
With the sad, sad look
That you wear so well
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool you're just as well
Hope it gives you hell
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you hear this song and you sing along but you never tell
Then you're the fool, I'm just as well
Hope it gives you hell
When you hear this song
I hope that it will give you hell
You can sing along
I hope that it puts you through hell
I wake up every evening
With a big smile on my face
And it never feels out of place
And you're still probably working
At a nine to five pace
I wonder how bad that tastes
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
Now where's your picket fence love
And where's that shiny car
And did it ever get you far
You never seemed so tense love
I've never seen you fall so hard
Do you know where you are
And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool you're just as well
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself
Where did it all go wrong?
But the list goes on and on
And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well
Hope it gives you hell
Now you'll never see
What you've done to me
You can take back your memories
They're no good to me
And here's all your lies
You can't look me in the eyes
With the sad, sad look
That you wear so well
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool you're just as well
Hope it gives you hell
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you hear this song and you sing along but you never tell
Then you're the fool, I'm just as well
Hope it gives you hell
When you hear this song
I hope that it will give you hell
You can sing along
I hope that it puts you through hell
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Relief...
Well, it turns out the guy from the previous post has become my very good friend. I came out to him, told him I like men and women. I think he had an idea with the things we had been talking about lately, but he didn't want to pressure me. It kind of was jerked out last night by one of the interns when we were sitting around, but I told him later about everything. He sat there and tried to give me advice and make me feel better and encouraged me to be who I am. In his eyes your happiness is worth way more than what someone is going to say or think. It was just nice to finally talk to someone face to face about all of this. We stayed up all night talking. Then I slept over in his bed and we just kind of spooned for a few hours. It was already mid-morning by the time we went to sleep. It was amazing. I felt like the world need not go further than him. At that moment he was all I needed and I wrapped my arms around him pretty tightly. It was glorious. Just wanted to write that before things get too ridiculous over the next few days. I'm so screwed for classes...
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Use Caution When Retrieving Your Personal Belongings, As Contents Do Shift During Flight
What happens when the tide turns and your standing still? It has finally happened. The girl, the best and worst thing in my life at the moment, has finally begun to lose her hold on me. It took her being here for it to happen, but it has. I have found a crack in the armor. Her power is completely dependent upon my availability. It is freeing to know that I have made it through a fight and didn't have to give in. Usually I am the one that concedes or whatever just to smooth it all over. I hate conflict and I hate to see people suffer even more. This time, it was nice to know that I could get to her though. I have come to realize that this I am not a puppet on the strings of her twisted plot. It felt like that on and off at times, a hard pill to swallow knowingly. The second I brought up another girl though, I felt all of the strings break for good. There is a vulnerability, a weakness. If I wasn't as nice of a guy as I am (not a self call when everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE, describes me as "a nice guy"), I would exploit it and make her so bitterly jealous she couldn't stand it. Unfortunately I am too nice, don't think I could look at myself in the mirror after going through the lengths needed for that to occur. Besides, I am too busy at the moment. Sculpture is definitely going to be a hassle, but a fun creative hassle.
On another note, I have made a new friend. He is a great guy. He's real down to earth and super cute. He's a head shorter than I am (making him around 5' 8"-5'10"), he has amazing blue eyes, he's thin and in shape and he kind of reminds me of an elf, but in a good way. He is bi, and at the moment he thinks I am straight. Although, I'm sure he has his doubts considering the things we talk about. I have spent two nights this week just hanging out with him and watching movies until morning. I am so happy I expanded my circle of friends. He is one of the first real life guys that I have actually been attracted to and know.
Feels good to write a positive note for once. If anyone happens to be reading feel free to comment, any feedback is always appreciated on any of the posts.
To a certain special someone, you aren't obligated because I will talk to you outside of this anyways.
Song lyrics for the post-
"And isn't this exactly where you'd like me
I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know
Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety"
- Panic at the Disco, But It's Better If You Do
On another note, I have made a new friend. He is a great guy. He's real down to earth and super cute. He's a head shorter than I am (making him around 5' 8"-5'10"), he has amazing blue eyes, he's thin and in shape and he kind of reminds me of an elf, but in a good way. He is bi, and at the moment he thinks I am straight. Although, I'm sure he has his doubts considering the things we talk about. I have spent two nights this week just hanging out with him and watching movies until morning. I am so happy I expanded my circle of friends. He is one of the first real life guys that I have actually been attracted to and know.
Feels good to write a positive note for once. If anyone happens to be reading feel free to comment, any feedback is always appreciated on any of the posts.
To a certain special someone, you aren't obligated because I will talk to you outside of this anyways.
Song lyrics for the post-
"And isn't this exactly where you'd like me
I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know
Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety"
- Panic at the Disco, But It's Better If You Do
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Fatal Flaw
I have been meaning to write this one for a few days, but I had the previous post started and needed to get it done before it became irrelevant and outdated. Now I can begin.
Is honesty always the best policy? What if the person you love won't love all of you? I was told the other day that I have on fatal flaw and that it is the most fatal of all. I could be a cheater, an idiot, an alcoholic and probably even abusive and she would gladly be with me, but the second you tell someone that you check out guys too it's all over. She can't deal with it, "Sorry darling, but you're not straight." That is the worst feeling ever. She is the first girl I have ever told about this whole side of me that is pretty much hidden from the world. I told the girl I am currently head over heels for that I also have fantasized about men and she rejected me. "I love you either way, you know that, but I can't date you until you are straight." It's like a dagger through my heart that she doesn't get it. When I am with her I don't need anyone else. She is absolutely drop dead gorgeous and that's just on the outside. She has everything I want in a woman. She is smart, funny, sarcastic, a little mean, interesting and it all covers up this wonderfully fragile person beneath it all. I have seen deep down what makes her who she is and I can't get enough. She has seen my true colors and now can't ever deal with it.
For those who have been reading, yes this is the same girl from December. The more I get to know her, the more I want to be with her. She is truly amazing, but unfortunately she's not understanding enough to deal with a guy who doesn't fall under the strict label of "straight". The worst part is dealing with my other friends who have no idea what is keeping us apart. I can't tell them she doesn't like me because I also think about men sometimes. None of them know this side of who i am. They simply know me as the caring sensitive one who just plays the emotional crutch. They think its another one of those situations, but they don't realize her feelings for me. She told me, "the second you are straight I can date you. Figure it out, otherwise in 5years I'm going to have to move on." I have my ultimatum. I asked her what she wants me to do. How am I supposed to figure this one out? Is it as easy as simply having sex with a man and seeing how it compares or which I prefer? What happens if I try it, don't like it and then have to keep that secret for the rest of my life? It becomes a living skeleton in my closet, one that I have to deal with simply because I had to find out. Selfish me had to see whether or not I could actually go through with the things that go on inside my head, test the fantasy with reality. She wouldn't be able to look at me the same way.
That's my bitching rant for the day. Just needed to get that one down. Being somewhere in between gay and straight is so much more difficult than being one or the other. At least the label gives you something to cling to and identify with. Anyone in the middle is just caught between two sides, both saying it's just a phase and that you will eventually end up on one side of the spectrum or the other. People don't deal well with uncertainty and fitting into the pattern just becomes so much easier than dealing with the questions.
My biggest fear is that if I were honest with whole world I would be treated like a leper amongst those I considered my friends. They're all waiting for it, but confirmation would be a bit too much for them to handle. It all comes down to the difference between thinking and knowing. If you think someone is something, there is always the possibility that it's not true, despite the evidence in front of you. Once you know something, there is no question, no intrigue, no mystery left to solve- "The most boring thing in the entire world is nudity. The second most boring thing is honesty."- Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters.
Is honesty always the best policy? What if the person you love won't love all of you? I was told the other day that I have on fatal flaw and that it is the most fatal of all. I could be a cheater, an idiot, an alcoholic and probably even abusive and she would gladly be with me, but the second you tell someone that you check out guys too it's all over. She can't deal with it, "Sorry darling, but you're not straight." That is the worst feeling ever. She is the first girl I have ever told about this whole side of me that is pretty much hidden from the world. I told the girl I am currently head over heels for that I also have fantasized about men and she rejected me. "I love you either way, you know that, but I can't date you until you are straight." It's like a dagger through my heart that she doesn't get it. When I am with her I don't need anyone else. She is absolutely drop dead gorgeous and that's just on the outside. She has everything I want in a woman. She is smart, funny, sarcastic, a little mean, interesting and it all covers up this wonderfully fragile person beneath it all. I have seen deep down what makes her who she is and I can't get enough. She has seen my true colors and now can't ever deal with it.
For those who have been reading, yes this is the same girl from December. The more I get to know her, the more I want to be with her. She is truly amazing, but unfortunately she's not understanding enough to deal with a guy who doesn't fall under the strict label of "straight". The worst part is dealing with my other friends who have no idea what is keeping us apart. I can't tell them she doesn't like me because I also think about men sometimes. None of them know this side of who i am. They simply know me as the caring sensitive one who just plays the emotional crutch. They think its another one of those situations, but they don't realize her feelings for me. She told me, "the second you are straight I can date you. Figure it out, otherwise in 5years I'm going to have to move on." I have my ultimatum. I asked her what she wants me to do. How am I supposed to figure this one out? Is it as easy as simply having sex with a man and seeing how it compares or which I prefer? What happens if I try it, don't like it and then have to keep that secret for the rest of my life? It becomes a living skeleton in my closet, one that I have to deal with simply because I had to find out. Selfish me had to see whether or not I could actually go through with the things that go on inside my head, test the fantasy with reality. She wouldn't be able to look at me the same way.
That's my bitching rant for the day. Just needed to get that one down. Being somewhere in between gay and straight is so much more difficult than being one or the other. At least the label gives you something to cling to and identify with. Anyone in the middle is just caught between two sides, both saying it's just a phase and that you will eventually end up on one side of the spectrum or the other. People don't deal well with uncertainty and fitting into the pattern just becomes so much easier than dealing with the questions.
My biggest fear is that if I were honest with whole world I would be treated like a leper amongst those I considered my friends. They're all waiting for it, but confirmation would be a bit too much for them to handle. It all comes down to the difference between thinking and knowing. If you think someone is something, there is always the possibility that it's not true, despite the evidence in front of you. Once you know something, there is no question, no intrigue, no mystery left to solve- "The most boring thing in the entire world is nudity. The second most boring thing is honesty."- Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters.
"Fatal Flaw" by South Jordan
They told me be careful
They said be weary of you
They warn persistence is the fatal flaw
I find myself waiting
Find myself hoping that you'll
One day fall into my open arms
But it's OK, you can just call me friend
Even though I mind I'll just take the backseat again
In the end I'm here
In the end just sit and stare
The season change not making way
As I'm just waiting waiting waiting for you
But I've been here a time or two
Like trying to fight the dying breath
Why is every step I take so damn hard
I've got some battle wounds from this
I've got the sinking feeling in my skin
I'm getting tired of the night
Just waiting for the light
But it's OK, you can just call me friend
Even though I mind I'll just take the backseat again
In the end I'm here
In the end just sit and stare
The season change not making way
As I'm just waiting waiting waiting for you
But it's OK, you can just call me friend
Even though I mind I'll just take the backseat again
In the end I'm here
In the end just sit and stare
The season change not making way
As I'm just waiting waiting waiting for you
They said be weary of you
They warn persistence is the fatal flaw
They told me be careful
They said be weary of you
They warn persistence is the fatal flaw
I find myself waiting
Find myself hoping that you'll
One day fall into my open arms
But it's OK, you can just call me friend
Even though I mind I'll just take the backseat again
In the end I'm here
In the end just sit and stare
The season change not making way
As I'm just waiting waiting waiting for you
But I've been here a time or two
Like trying to fight the dying breath
Why is every step I take so damn hard
I've got some battle wounds from this
I've got the sinking feeling in my skin
I'm getting tired of the night
Just waiting for the light
But it's OK, you can just call me friend
Even though I mind I'll just take the backseat again
In the end I'm here
In the end just sit and stare
The season change not making way
As I'm just waiting waiting waiting for you
But it's OK, you can just call me friend
Even though I mind I'll just take the backseat again
In the end I'm here
In the end just sit and stare
The season change not making way
As I'm just waiting waiting waiting for you
They said be weary of you
They warn persistence is the fatal flaw
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Busy
School has just started up again and I feel like I am running a million miles an hour. Just getting everything settled and classes has made life so busy. Taking photo and sculpture is probably not the best best idea. I already feel like I am behind in sculpture. I have so much shit to do this weekend and its only been a week.
Of course like a dope I went out last night, and so here I am sitting and procrastinating. I have 3 sculpture ideas due by Tuesday, which doesn't sound hard but is deceptively brutal. I have to have 3 ideas coming along in progress and then pick one to actually finish, thus I need to start 3 sculptures to abandon two of them. That is not my process at all and it is going to be an interesting first try.
Of course like a dope I went out last night, and so here I am sitting and procrastinating. I have 3 sculpture ideas due by Tuesday, which doesn't sound hard but is deceptively brutal. I have to have 3 ideas coming along in progress and then pick one to actually finish, thus I need to start 3 sculptures to abandon two of them. That is not my process at all and it is going to be an interesting first try.
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