Playing Catch Up...

So since my last post I spent 4 days in Pensacola and then a few days at home. The time in Pensacola was great. We literally just hung around and watched movies all day most of the time cuddling on the couch. We went out one night which was alright, nothing special (not that it needed to be). When he had to work I would do a little school work (finding out just how behind I am today was not a nice welcome back from spring break...). Realized we're definitely just friends. He's a great guy, but there are a lot of issues there besides distance and well, the feeling just isn't there. I will say that it was nice to sleep next to someone for a while. Just having someone to hold for a few days it was great. Then when I got home Friday my best friend from high school texted me and asked if I was in town because he was visiting from North Carolina. I haven't seen or heard from this kid in 6 months (not for lack of trying, he's just awful when it comes to communicating and he's working all the time). So what was supposed to be maybe a one nighter at home turned into a whole weekend. Well Friday night was quite honestly one of the worst experiences of my life. None of the guys I was hanging with know I'm gay, so it was literally just me standing there and playing straight while they continuously kept asking why I wasn't hooking up with one girl or another. Mind you I was also driving, so I wasn't drinking like the rest of them. It got a bit out of control at one point while we were out and I just found myself wondering what the hell to do. Every time I would think maybe I had an opening to at least tell my best friend he would complain that there are already too many Jewish gays and that it didn't make sense and how could you do it, etc, etc... Most awkward part of the night goes to the scene in the pizza parlor after the club where they decided not to put in our order until we asked where our pizza was since we had been waiting over a half hour. Well small talk turned into sex talk and I really just wanted to grab a knife and call it a night. I was so over it. Lately playing straight had begun to bother me, but in therapy I learned that my defense mechanism is to minimize my feelings. Well there was no minimizing that night. I was ready to snap on anyone that gave me the chance (like a wrong look or if you bump me wrong). I finally realized that suppressing who I am sucks. Plain and simple. Saturday night was actually a lot of fun. We had dinner at my friend's house with his whole family, just like back in the day. It was great, then his sisters, him, another old friend and I all went out again. This time (I think because the girls were there) there was no bullshit talk, no taunting it was just a nice time dancing near the bar and hanging out. I don't have all the answers, but I do think I am making progress. I'm actually really looking forward to group tomorrow. That's about it for now. More to come soon. Need to get through 2 tests friday, one of which I forgot about until I was reminded in class this morning about (which means all the reading I should have done over spring break is coming back to bite me in the ass). Oh well, I had fun and it was so beyond worth it.

I Feel: Day 7

So I skipped a day. Yesterday was a pretty blah day anyways, slept most of it away. Today I'm excited. Plans confirmed, leavin for pensacola tomorrow to go see this new guy. It's bizarre, I don't know why I'm so excited. Maybe it's the prospect of something new and different. A refreshing outlook on life that is about more than going out every weekend to the same place with the same people hoping for a hookup. I haven't been this excited to meet someone new in a long time. Best part, we met in a legitimate non-"adult" way, Facebook. He is a friend of friends and then friend requested me. It's been crazy talking to him and I can't believe we're actually gonna meet. Now I need to cover all my bases, so no one wonders where I am. Orlando friends, I'm home; parents I'm at my apartment; anyone else, well I don't really talk to them anyways. So excited!

I Feel: Day 5

Today I felt happy. I got to sleep in and then hang with some good friends. Saw The Crazies, it was ok. I also feel kind of fat... my diet always takes a hit when I go home. What can I say, old habits die hard. Whatever, need to get some cardio in even if i can't lift because of this pinched nerve.

I also still feel happy about my latest romantic prospect. I might go visit him in the next few days, so we'll see what happens.

I Feel: Day 3

Today I feel accomplished and bored... I had a test early this morning and that went pretty well. Then came home and crashed. Well, i guess not every day needs to be a struggle.

I Feel: Day 2

Today I felt alone and unsatisfied. I feel like I am sacrificing my emotional needs for my physical needs. I want a boyfriend so badly, but haven't found that yet. Instead what I have found is mind blowing sex. It's great, but that spark that something is missing. It's not such a big deal during, although as an aquarius I never actually completely detach from my intellect. Afterwards I am just left feeling even more alone than before... Why can I make this kind of connection physically and be left with such a huge hole emotionally. Now I feel disappointed in myself. The worst part, when I think about the sex I get hard. Then I crave something to snuggle with. Then I feel even more disappointed at the fact that one guy I do actually feel an emotional connection to is 400 miles away and a bit of psychologically unstable (depression, anxiety, negative self image). I am encouraged by the fact that he's in therapy now and just got a new medication for his depression. Its good to see people who want to improve themselves actually doing it. Ok, now that I've rationalized my feelings, I think this is over. I got my feelings down, that's what matters most I guess. More to come maybe later... if not tomorrow

Day 1: I Feel...

So in my group therapy session today they decided to make our goal to find the feelings beneath our intellectual rationalization. So, I'm gonna try to do an entry per day, short and to the point about my emotions.

Today, I feel alone and frustrated. I am single. I am gay. I am masculine. I feel stuck between the realm of straight and gay. Fuck! I'm tired of settling and hiding who I am because I'm either not masculine or not "gay" enough... For today, I'm done.

Give Me Therapy, I'm A Walking Travesty

So... I decided to join a group therapy for people dealing with their sexuality. It's not a pray the gay away group. It's just a place to talk about the challenges we are all going through as young gay individuals. I haven't told anyone yet and I don't know if I will. I know it's nothing to be ashamed of to admit you need help, but it still doesn't lend itself to the idea that you are too weak to deal with it alone. It's a vulnerability and well, to be honest, I'm not in a place to be that vulnerable with anyone. It has actually been a very good experience, even if we have only had 2 meetings so far.
One thing that still continues to plague me there and well I guess in most of the gay community is that I'm not "stereotypically gay" enough. I feel like an outsider looking in, but I'm not about to run around calling everyone "Girl!" just because the gays think it's cute. It's not me... I tried to pick up some of the mannerisms and such, but I hated hearing things like that come out of my mouth (it was mostly a habit I picked up by hanging out with so many gays). I have a real problem picking up accents, speech patterns and mannerisms from people very quickly. Luckily I have gotten some away time due to illness and well, just sort of a backlash of wanting not to be with them. At the same time, I feel isolated from the straight community because I'm gay. I hate having to hide it form most of my straight friends and to be honest for the most part I don't really have the energy to go searching for friendships in school. There is no sense of community because there are about 40,000 people and almost everyone commutes. I have made a few friends through the pre-med fraternity I joined because most of them are also in my classes. But I feel like I just have this huge anxiety whenever I'm around them about whether or not they know I'm gay. I hate it. I hate all of this. What about sleeping with a man makes me less of one?

If I Bleed My Lies Won't Fill the Emptiness Inside...

It's official, I need to find a boyfriend. I need to feel the connection that goes beyond friendship emotionally and transcends a hookup physically. I just keep looking around at the people I have met in the gay community here and it scares me to death. Most of them are nearing their 30's or older and they are all single. They simply are stuck on this sad awful loop of work and gay bars, with the occasional circuit party or hookup thrown in. Is this what we've come too as a community? A bunch of men at dead end jobs (I know there are plenty of successful gay men out there, but there is an awful majority of them stuck in whatever type jobs that just get them the money they need to pay rent and go out) who will live out the remainder of their days trawling for dick in one place or another. My worst fear incarnate and I get to see it most weekends...
Now, does this mean I am going to just settle down with anyone? God no! I know what a real connection feels like and I am searching for "that feeling". We all know what that feels like- it doesn't matter what you do with your time together as long as you're together (even if that something is fighting). I'm not naive, I know relationships have their problems and perfection doesn't happen. But is it too much to ask for out of life for a little spark towards someone?
How about someone that isn't several hours away, I understand distance isn't a problem in love, but it really makes things difficult when trying to get to know someone. Or has some kind of mental trauma (paranoia or depression), and actually the guys that I speak of like this are the most real and genuine of the bunch that I know, sad right. Maybe it takes a little psychosis to break the spell of cattiness and superficiality.
Another bug problem is the way that nothing in this town remains private... Everyone has slept with everyone else, then friends shift and the cycle begins anew. It almost feels incestuous around here. I get that it shouldn't matter, but I mean let's face it no one wants to be with the guy that the rest of the town has been with. There are some things about a relationship you would like to be kept between you and your partner and well, let's face it gay men don't know how to keep their mouth's shut. I mean, I know other people aren't actually there to watch what happens in the bedroom (unless you like that sort of thing, but that's a whole separate cluster fuck) yet does someone's performance really change from person to person. The last thing I need to hear from people is whether or not my boyfriend was fun in bed, has a big dick, etc.
Well, a rant about my loneliness has turned into a rant for why I'm single. Sorry, just needed to get that one off my chest.

In other news, school is going pretty well this semester. Spring Break is next week. It'll be nice to have a break where I hopefully won't be sick. I need to clean up my room like it's no one's business. I might also travel around a bit, just get out and see something new. Why not? I'm only young once...