On the Upswing

I actually feel accomplished for once. Not in school (that will never happen), but I did manage to get up this morning and actually go to the gym before class. This has been my big plan for the last 3 weeks, unfortunately every morning it is easier to turn off the alarm and get up a few hours later. We'll see if we can continue on this trend. I finished my sculpture today, finally. It only took 60-80 hours of my life over the last two weeks. Pics on the next post maybe? If I can figure out how to do it.
Well that's about it. I feel like I am kind of limited in my ability to rant due to my lack of sleep and general happiness. There are things I could write, but why spoil the mood for everyone?

Foggy

I just thought it had been a while since my last update and decided I may just need to get a few more things down on paper.

I feel so wasteful of my time. I try to get up in the morning and do something, yet it doesn't really happen. I know there is nothing wrong with it, but the rest of my day consists of me worrying about making it to the damn gym. I know I want to go, but my knee has been really discouraging me lately. I pushed a little too hard and BAM! I'm fucked for 5 days. I hate being injured, but I really hate no longer being a part of a team. Fuck! I just need to get back into a rhythm. I need to stop hating the treadmill/elliptical or whatever cardio piece I find myself on. Why does it have to be so cold outside? I just want my beach to walk on again.

At least I have a new hobby to keep me busy. Unfortunately all I keep thinking to myself is that I need to spend less time in the damn sculpture studio and more time in the gym. The problem is that the studio doesn't hurt my knee and frustrate me like the fucking gym. Between my knee and my back I feel completely useless most of the time. At this point I don't really dare play something, hell I almost take out my knee walking on the damn ice everyday.

Ok, well there is what has become my rant. I'm going to hit the hay. My head hurts and my eyes are closing while I'm writing this. If I get sick I will kill someone.

Fuck my life, it's too cold to snow.

Song of the Post: Killswitch Engage- The Arms Of Sorrow

Imprisoned inside this mind
Hiding behind the empty smiles
So simple (the anguish)
As it haunts me
Crawling back into the dark

Running, always running, into the distance
Stop me before I bleed, again
The echoes of my voice
Follow me down
The shadows I cast
Follow me down

Deeper I'm falling
Into the arms of sorrow
Blindly descending
Into the arms of sorrow

There must be serenity

The echoes of my voice
Follow me down
The shadows I cast
Follow me down

Deeper I'm falling
Into the arms of sorrow
Blindly descending
Into the arms of sorrow

The demon of my own design
This horror must not remain

Deeper I'm falling
Into the arms of sorrow
Blindly descending
Into the arms of sorrow

There must be serenity
There must be deliverance
Deeper I'm falling
Blindly descending

Sinking

For some reason I have been feeling like shit lately. Nothing is worth it. Nothing is satisfying. I packed up the last of my locker from football and as I was walking home it hit me that this was the end to a huge part of my life. I have spent 8 years playing and training for football. All I could think on the way home though was, "Here is 4 years of disappointment in a plastic garbage bag slung over one shoulder." I have loved football, but the program I ended up playing for and the end result was just not what I expected. I have watched so many statements become lies and this was the final straw. The camel fell long ago, but there is simply nothing else they can lie about anymore. The strings have all been cut and now I sit here a broken ex-athlete. The worst part is I didn't realize what was at the core of this bout of depression until my friend brought it up. I thought I had gotten over football when I tore my knee up. I guess this just made it all real. I also think that not working out is really getting to me. My knee has been really sore the last couple of days, so I guess its back to upper body lifts, walking, and maybe some elliptical. I just feel so useless. It's like when my back started bothering me, but at least this time I know what is wrong with me (physically anyways). I need to get over this. I am already behind in school and I can't even sit to read because the words just seems to blur together into a useless jumble. Some of it is actually interesting, but I am lacking the patience and motivation to enjoy, or even suffer through it.

I don't feel like doing anything. I missed a big frat event tonight, not realizing it was even happening. I showed up just in time for the end of it. TO see everyone drunk and enjoying themselves. Just in time to get booed by them all(just what I needed at the moment right?). I didn't really care, but I felt worse for simply skipping the whole thing. I knew I would feel like shit earlier if I missed it, but this was unintentional. I truly thought that they had rescheduled or something cause I was sitting around and there was absolutely NOTHING going on, so I left. Fuck! I just don't need any of this right now.

Add to this all the pressure of waiting for any medical school to even interview me and my utter failure to find someone. I just feel alone and agitated, that's on a good day. I just look around and wonder what the hell people are thinking when they become my friend only to ask, "Where are all the nice guys?" I am soooooo beyond tired hearing about the latest mistake followed by that line. Why can't I just be remorseless whore? Sometimes I feel like it would just be easier to just adopt that life- drink constantly to numb the pain and convince myself I am having a good time while I wake up next to whatever found me and dragged my lifeless body home. Unfortunately there is no magic switch, no miracle pill. It is from here that I can see why people get into drugs. They occasionally run through my mind as a fleeting desire and I just sit and wonder what would happen if I had the connections and/or energy to actually score. I smoked myself stupid for a while last term only to find my problems and disappointments still there, the only difference being that now I was waaaay behind in my work. Thank god it was an easy term, these next two are going to be quite a bit busier. Maybe that will keep my mind off of everything that is missing. Wow, I am attempting to replace comfort food and friends with comfort activities. Who needs people when you are so busy that you don't want to do anything?

"I understand, it seems
I'm the last to notice,
How anybody feels.
Is it really 'cause I feel
I'm the one that's owed it.
Am I wrong?
Am I wrong?"
-Sevendust

The tide has changed

In my last post I had just finished telling someone my deepest feelings for them and been rejected. 12 hours later I was fine. There was no more emotion left. I actually could laugh at what an idiot I was. It's weird, because I have not put myself out there in a while and I thought that this was going to be much harder than it is. Is something wrong with me? I can talk about it like I was reading a newspaper article on dog grooming- I sat there and practically listened to my heart crack into pieces. The next day I went for a walk and about half way through it I was smiling. I guess the quote from Elle Woods (yeah I know not the most hetero source, but fuck it) really does apply here, "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't." I was never going to harm anyone else, but I am not anyone else. I sat there on the beach and this was one of the first things that came to mind, endorphins. Wow, I am such a nerd.

I guess what I really wanted to do was just write this down, so that next time I have feelings for someone and rejection is staring me square in the face I can laugh and realize that I bounced right back last time.

I am still not sure if this is good or not. I am happy that I can put myself back together, don't get me wrong. Just, does this mean I don't feel any deeper emotion? Yeah, I felt it, but only for a second. It is like I was over it before it really ever began. Is this amazing comeback covering something deeper and darker below the smile? I don't think I can dig deep enough to find out today, but it is just something to keep in mind next time I want to do a little soul searching. Just dig down and make sure that beneath it all isn't simply nothingness. I like to think I make deep connections with people, yet somewhere in all of this I begin to question just how deep it really is. Still waters run deep, but my current seems a bit too quick to wash it all away.