This About Sums Up The Last 3 Months...

Glover's (aka The only restaurant in the student center)




Classes...

Swaggerjackin...

Still loving that Keri Hilson song (see previous post). Just puts a smile on my face, a spring in my step and maybe a little swish in the hips (just when no one is lookin haha). It's been an awesome pick me up lately.

Now I also found Rihanna ft. Drake. Didn't like it at first, but this song has grown on me. It even made it into a playllist (that's pretty major in my music book).



Now for something delightfully trashy...



Gay party tonight. Let's see what drama unfolds this time. Hopefully I won't have anything to do except sit back and watch. I can hope... right?

So Much Better...

Why not move on? Stop complaining and grow up. I have no list, but this song made me smile today, so it ends up here...



I have been listening to a lot of Showtunes lately. While I am no connoisseur, it's just nice to settle back into some familiar music and enjoy real singing.

Busy busy busy... No time for the bs. It feels good. I cling to the distant hope of being treated decently, but it fades with each passing day. Soon indifference will set in and then I'll be off this rock for good anyways. Logic does prevail in the end.




Just found this... Including it. Lovin it. Get it.

Busy With A Bleeding Heart

School is picking back up. Finals loom, thus I am kicking back into high gear. I don't hate him, I don't miss him, I don't envy him... What I hate is being alone. I transferred all my loneliness into anger and then projected on to him and his happiness. I swallowed all my pride and shame, finally most of the time I feel nothing (better than rage). I just get lonely.

Straight, It's The New Gay

Nothing Like A Good Workout And Some Gaga

Gotta give it up when a song makes you feel good. And both of these have been doin it for me lately. Gagalupe...




I love Gaga, but this shit is hilarious...

I Did The Right Thing And I Still Feel Like Shit...

If I'm nice does it show continued interest? If I'm mean is it just jealousy?

I hate that they have each other, in front of my face and I am left alone. Here I am again. Just flailing and trying to keep it together. I know I can't hate him for not liking me, I don't. I hate him for making my life so difficult only to turn around and show me how easy it is for him to be with someone if he is also interested. It hurts that I was stupid enough to fall in his trap and now I have my face rubbed in it, like a dog that just pissed the carpet. Had he just let me know what the rules were, where I stood I could deal with it. Yet, Here I am. No closure. It's a bit too late to ask where we stand (I'm not that stupid or naive to hold on to hopes of us), but a simple explanation of everything that lead up to this point. Just throw me a fucking rope that isn't around my neck for once. I feel like everything I do is the wrong choice. If I talk to him I feel like I'm just talking to a wall, an awkward wall at that. If I ignore him I feel like an asshole for not talking to him. I feel like he's so beyond over it, he has a boy and a puppy (which is super cute btw, that's what filled a lot of my time at the BBQ). I'm sure I'm the last thing on his mind. I have my pillow and a growing empty pit in my heart. I am starting to feel a bit hopeless and bitter, which is never a good place to be in your psyche. You might say and do things you never meant to, because discipline can only win out for so long. I can only pretend like he's not an asshole who jerked me around and deserves a good beating (physical or emotional) for so long. There sadly is never a good time to call someone out who has emotionally wronged you and then left you for someone else...

Yeah I know it's stupid
But I just got to see it for myself

I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her
I'm right over here, why can't you see me
I'm givin' it my all, but I'm not the girl you're takin' home
I keep dancin' on my own

This song got me through a similar situation almost 5 years ago. I feel like this won't be the last time I turn to Sevendust for a little healing.

There's not one thing that you can say to make it right
Unless you say "I'm leavin"
And if you're not...then please tell me why
Please tell me why you can't
Save face
Say it to my face

Been listening to this too lately. I like the remix better, but couldn't find it so...

Kill 'Em With Kindness...

The smile on my face hes become less of an expression of joy and more a default mask to the world. The BBQ was fun (read the last post). He was there, his bf was there, they were all over each other and i served them each a piece of cake...
What else can I do? I have no hard feelings, well that's not completely true, but I am basically swallowing my hard feelings and trying to move on. It just sucks when the other person gets to move on first with someone else. I never actually got an answer from him about anything, not just why he didn't like me, but the cold shoulder, the flirting, etc. I am left with a hole in my chest, trying to use a band aid to cover up the mess that really needs stitches. It all heals in time, it just sucks right now. The good news i I can see far enough to know I'll be just fine.




So swallow the knife, carve the way for your pride...

Kiss and Make Up...

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.I hate this. I hate this.

So I am swallowing my pride and trying to play nice. I have talked to the guy Matt made out with. I have even sort of talked to him, although that initial interaction was not exactly what I was expecting. I was talking with his new guy and then he walked over and talked about not sleeping and I kind of chastised him about not sleeping. That's when he told me he had a test in the morning and while it's not my preferred method of studying I can condone an all nighter for a test. Then Matt said "What you can't just know my motives without me having to vocalize them?" My response, "No... But that would have saved me a lot of trouble." I just couldn't resist. I know it doesn't seem like a very reconcilliary thing to say given what I was trying to do, but if anyone knows me they'd know that I'm only half serious with remarks like that. Oh well, haven't talked since but there's a BBQ on Sunday at a friend's house that we'll both be attending. My battle plan is play nice and let the world know I have no hard feelings with anyone. It may not be fair, but it's the smartest thing I can do for myself. Holding on to all this crap is gonna do nothing but get me sick (I need not to catch my roommates cold, so this will be one less stressor on my life).

It would just be nice if he put a little effort into things too, since he's actually the one that caused this.

Are You Hungry For Wonderful?

'Cause I Am...

Just Stop...

I am so tired of rumors, half truths and jealousy. Everyone needs to mind their own god damned business and get out of mine. I'm not dating anyone, I'm not fucking anyone, so apparently if I hang out with a guy at this god forsaken place I am automatically turning to them for the previous. I'm over the rumor mill. I hate this. I tried so hard to just try and play low key, but of course that will never happen. I'm done. I have no gay friends here, just a bunch of people I keep at arm's distance and smile at when they walk by. It's sad it has already gotten to that point so early in my time here, but these bitches aren't playing any new kind of game and I have learned my lesson in the past how to deal with it.


Bide My Time...

I Go Ahead And Smile...

I am actually proud of myself. Major step forward today. Saw the guy that Matt kissed at the party today on the balcony. Instead of awkwardly making eye contact and walking away continuing the awkwardness of our last interaction (I saw him in the campus convenience store, he turned around just long enough to say "Hi" very quickly then shoved his earbud back in while we waited in line) I actually sucked it up and walked over to him and actually talked to him.
I'm pretty sure he thought I was going to throw him over the balcony (we were on the veranda 2 stories up) because he failed at hiding the fear in his eyes as I approached. It actually felt good to bury the hatchet on this one. I have no problem with him. I can't control Matt and who he "dates"/makes out with. It was just a relief to kind of get one less awkward interaction out of my life. They've been stacking up lately and this is one I could actually nip in the bud, so I did even if he is leaving December for good.


May as well end it with a bit of the baddest bitch...

So How About A Post That's Not Me Wining...

I think I'm gonna try talking about hings I enjoy. Posting all this music has been awesome, but it's been a bit one sided and themed towards the stupid drama of my life. I think I'm actually gonna try to add something random and enjoyable to my blog, like photography (and maybe some more music).

So in my spare time I like to look at random things to keep me from going inane on this little rock. Either things I like, find beautiful, funny or admirable or simply tings I want. It ranges from photos by certain photographers, to jewelry, to youtube videos (that aren't just music videos, although a lot of them are music parodies). So here goes nothing, maybe I'll introduce someone to something new, maybe I'll get a new follower, but most likely I'll simply have an easy access catalog of a few of the things that get me through my days in med school.

So I guess we can start with photography... Right now I'm digging old school Joe Opeddisano. There is one ad campaign he did, I don't even remember what it was for that I found just beautiful and sexy (and everyone was even fully clothed, which is a rarity for him.

So maybe I'm a little bit sick for liking it, but it's art. Keep up the good work Joe!

Then there is this jewelry designer, David Yurman. I recently found a piece in his new collection that I think is absolutely stunning. I don't think I could ever pull it off, or would even enjoy it, but for some reason I can't stop looking at it. It's a silver link bracelet with tiger's eye inlaid into the top of the links. For some reason I drool when I see it. Thoughts? 

He also has a much simpler collection of beaded bracelets, that I've actually seen in person and are very cool in their simplicity. It almost looks like a cheap bracelet you could buy anywhere, but they're actually beautiful if you take a second look. It's one of those things that doesn't appear flashy, until people actually pause and take notice what it actually is. The beads can be made of onyx, tiger's eye, lapis or coral. Depending on personal preference. I think I like the onyx and tiger's eye the best, but the blue lapis is very impressive. Anyways, long story short he has a lot of great stuff.

So yeah, those are things I randomly check out at the moment to get my art fix. I miss doing sculpture and jewelry, but med school wins.

Haters You Can Kill Yourselves...

Step Up In The Party Like My Name Was Mr. T

So go, now find yourself
You're selfish, condescending
You and me are now forever... (forever)
So go play God in someone else's life
'Cause you and me are now forever (forever dead)