A Few Things About Me

I have decided to try and start posting things other than my rants on here. I was laying in bed the other night and realized that anyone who would flip through this blog would find a weird kid depressed because he doesn't know which way is up in life. They wouldn't know that I love singing and photography. I have to go to the gym regularly otherwise I become neurotic and depressed. Music can set or reset my mood. There is something special about the moment a great song comes on, it can completely reverse even the worst moods (even if it is only temporarily).

Ok, this is a start. I am kind of out of things to say at the moment. I'll figure it out. More to come soon

How Much WilL Things Really Ever Change?

Tomorrow I am graduating from college. Tomorrow I get to figure out what I am doing with the rest of my life. I am 22 and feel completely lost. The thing I hate most about the medical profession is that you have to be completely on top of your shit to become a part of it. I can't just wander and wade through until I find what's right. I have to decide soon. I am beginning to feel trapped by what I want to do and it's scaring me. I have no back up plan, no alternative career. There is medicine at the moment and that's about it. Jesus, is this how the future is supposed to feel? "When did the future switch from being a promise to being a threat?" I just want to know if I am doing the right thing, is that so wrong? That's my professional life, my personal life is in soooooo much more of an uproar.
I am sitting here with my brother watching a movie and wondering whether or not I should tell him about everything with me and men. Is there ever a convenient time to tell people about your sexual preference? A perfect moment to come out? I just don't want to be stuck back in the conventions that I have lived in for so long and finally broke free of, but when I tell people from home it's permanent. Even if this is just a phase it will forever be a part of my history that can come out to whoever I am dating. What happens if I end up with a woman? Are my parents really going to bring up old baby pictures and casually slip in that I also used to like men? If I end up with a guy it is much easier to explain this type of confusion and experimenting. Anyone who has battled with heir sexuality knows what I mean. It is difficult being the minority and such an outcast minority at that. Sexual identity is one of those things that makes far too many people uncomfortable to deal with, especially in America. I have met a few foreign kids who say that things like this are no big deal. Who you sleep with is not a defining characteristic of who you are. I wish that was the case here. I can't help but feel like when I go home it's a whole different ball game. People at this college are taught to appreciate diversity. In the South that's not always the case.

No time like the present I guess...

Just What Did I Give Up?

Unfortunately when you have screwed up your sleep schedule as much as I have you may find yourself at night rolling around for hours at a time. This is a dangerous time when you can't figure things out otherwise. I sat in bed the other night just pondering over everything that I talked about in the last post and then suddenly my ex came up in my mind. I started thinking to myself why did I ever leave him? There was nothing wrong with it. We were happy, he was a good guy, he was good to me and I threw it all away. I just felt so stupid. Then the next day I saw him for the first time in about a week. Suddenly all those thoughts came rushing back and hit me like a fist in the face. I nearly had a panic attack. I don't know what I am doing with my life or my relationships, but I realized that everything I have done has made it so that I couldn't go back if I wanted to. It just added to all of the confusion I have been feeling lately and drove me deeper into my questioning mind. Jesus, I'm a mess. I need to stop having random panic attacks.

FUCK!

You have to jump into disaster with both feet.

What I really hate is me so I hate pretty much everybody.

Your birth is a mistake you will spend your whole life trying to correct.

Who Am I?

I just had my final critiques for sculpture and photo. It was a very bizarre experience to talk to professors outside of the sciences about my future. I sit here without any idea of what I'm sure about in my life anymore. I look at the life I have planned out and wonder if I have actually found myself in it all. Am I really sure that i want to go to medical school? Hell for that matter am I even sure about who I am? Recently I have been feeling very bizarre about the person I am becoming. I don't know if I am changing for the better or worse. I feel like the life I am leading is nothing remotely close to the dreams I had. I almost feel like I have wandered too far away from it to ever make that who I end up being. The wife and kids and a dog... I see it flying out the window and it scares me so much that I have come to question everything else.

On top of all of this I have also recently admitted to myself that I have a drinking problem and I'm seriously doubting whether or not I will ever be able to feel true deep unselfish love. Lately I have simply spent a lot of my time being numb and just getting through it all. I think a change of scenery would be a great benefit and there is no better time than after college graduation to get such a change. I just hope I can keep the voice in my head that keeps telling me to do terrible things down for long enough to make it out of here alive and unharmed. I don't have any crutches left to depend on, it's going to be one long and bumpy ride.

I got troubled thoughts
And the self-esteem to match
What a catch