I Don't Know Who You Are...

I just hope I find you soon.

I am what I am...

Just the latest music I've found to keep me entertained. Douglas Hodge definitely deserved the Tony for his performance if the live version is even 1/2 as good as the album. Gives me chills every time I listen to it.

I don't know what to right. My life at the moment is rather uneventful. My mom asked me if I was ok... I'm content, I'm busy, I'm alive. I guess that sort of defines OK.


PS Happy Valentine's Day. I doubt I'll be back on here until after since I have a wonderful test about parasites that day and genetics the next. Who needs chocolate and flowers from someone you love when you can answer questions about Trichinella and Echinococcus from your professor? Joy...

"Whatever it is you want in life, act like it.

If you want a boyfriend, act like it. If you want to be a whore, act like it. But the two are rarely interchangeable."

I sadly don't have the time for a boyfriend, or the desire to be a whore. Left out in the cold once again...

In other news, I randomly found I am loving these 2 tracks from Burlesque. The movie  was good, but these two songs have kind of stuck out for very different reasons. Somehow in the 3 days since I got them I've listened to them almost 100 times (not each, but still)







So I think for right now I am just going to have to settle for acting like I want to be doctor, school matters and I have no life... Who's acting?

Things lately...

Since break, I have come back to school. My life back to this grind. This term is going fine, I just feel weirdly about it. I don't know what I am going to do when real life sets in and the place I call "home" is no longer temporary. I am bored of this island already, just like I as bored of Orlando. At least here I have goals and my life isn't completely on hold. Also, this is truly just temporary and I know I'm not the only person who doesn't like this place. The biggest problem I'm having this time is that, unlike most of my friends I am tired of just drinking away everything. It's easy to find a reason to drink- school, this damned island, peer pressure, depression, desperation, social awkwardness, etc. etc. But to go be with them and not drink is impossible. They are not social drinkers, 1 or 2 is not in their vocabulary. I don't want to drink, but with them I have to. So, what are my options?

1)Abandon friends (I have kind of been avoiding them, not gonna lie)
2) Find new friends who don't drink (a lot of effort and those people are usually always studying, so not really any fun)
3) Sit alone in my room and watch movies or sleep (Since my birthday, this has been my go to)
4) Well, I don't think there is a 4... Kind of all of the above, which would best define what I have been doing

I am weirdly lonely in a place full of people. I don't mind it most of the time, but then there are those moments where I just want someone to come over or message me and ask to watch a movie or hang out and talk or go to dinner... I get tired of eating, watching movies and even sleeping alone. I have no time to cultivate a relationship, yet I just want that one person so so badly. For my selfish I need someone moments, but when I'm busy you can go entertain yourself. FUCK!

Will I ever meet someone who is that one person for me? Will I ever end up settling down in a city I can actually call home? Or will there always be something wrong, will I just get tired of them, will something better just always be out there? If it's not them it must be me... Right?

Well, I need to go to bed. I'm already going to be exhausted tomorrow as it is. I don't need to stay up any longer pondering all the questions of the universe tonight.

Sadly, I was just coming on to write how there is nothing to write about because things have been so boring. I guess I have been so lackadaisical lately I haven't even stopped to look at how miserable I can be sometimes. Dammit, should have stopped while I was ahead...

Home Sweet Home?

I love being home, but I hate my hometown. I want to be anywhere but stuck at home. I love my parents, but I feel trapped. None of my friends are here, I'm not getting any and I just want to be almost anywhere else.

Forgot to publish this over break... woops.


Addendum: I still felt this way by then end of break. The good news is I got to run away for a bit to Jacksonville and Tampa to take my mind off the numbness of home.