What Could Have Been?

Did I blow it? I think I dismissed him before I ever gave it a chance, but he really never gave it much effort either. I made the effort to see him wherever he was, he's never been to my town for any reason. Now that we're apart I find myself thinking about him a little bit too much. It's true that he hurt me and I know that I should just move on. The problem is in some weird fucked up way I might have convinced myself the only way someone can hurt you is if you liked them to begin with. What do I care if some random guy sleeps with someone else I know? At least someone out there is getting some. Yet me being there and choosing someone else over me, like a knife in the back right where I can't reach. I spent a weekend having a panic attack trying to make it seem like nothing bothered me. I tried to pretend that I was fine when I got down here. I was shaking while I talked to him about it (even if it was just over IM). It hit me much harder than I ever thought it would, or that I thought I would let it. We both realize the reality of our situation, but I think I'm the only one dwelling. If not, he does a hell of a job at hiding it.

Is it jealousy, pride, or do I actually like this guy?








At the same time I have another guy who really likes me. He's a great guy too. Sexy, nice, safe, nerdy (my heart melts). The problem is we haven't had much of a chance to spend together. The problem with both of them is that they are both tied up in school for the next year at least. Meanwhile I have no idea where the hell I'm gonna be in the coming years. NY for a year, god knows where after that... My life will be very much locked in come Spring 2014, but until then it's all up in the air and I really can only hope to find someone who I love that loves me enough to deal with such ridiculous uncertainty and then the certain terms that come with how busy I will be once I become a resident.





Is something missing? Or am I just delusional and destined to be (in)complete by myself?

Just A Little Nothing...

So life has been super boring, but I sort of don't mind too much. The beauty of expecting nothing is you don't even bother to look up. It's very conducive to school, I just hope I don't end up in NY as this socially stunted idiot. This place is not real. It's like Fantasy Island, but it's only fantastical in the sense that all reality is severed once you step off the plane. 



EDIT: Wow I wrote this over 3 months ago and now that I've come back for my final semester I can honestly say I feel the exact same. That's impressive for me. I usually look back on certain posts and wonder what the hell I was complaining about. This time I know, I still know. I fell into a pretty deep depression my 1st week back to this place. The problem is that I had a taste of the real world only to have it thrown back in my face in some aspects then have it all ripped away for another 6 month stint here on "The Rock". Good God I really do seem to have developed nothing but hatred for this place. I guess it's no surprise when you're a burnt out student surrounded by the same people all the time with not even the slightest bit of an option even for a single date. DAMMIT!


On another note, I'm sick and it's late. I'm also so far beyond behind in school at the moment I can only pray to catch up by the time midterms roll around. It's gonna get real ugly, real quick :-(