This About Sums Up The Last 3 Months...

Glover's (aka The only restaurant in the student center)




Classes...

Swaggerjackin...

Still loving that Keri Hilson song (see previous post). Just puts a smile on my face, a spring in my step and maybe a little swish in the hips (just when no one is lookin haha). It's been an awesome pick me up lately.

Now I also found Rihanna ft. Drake. Didn't like it at first, but this song has grown on me. It even made it into a playllist (that's pretty major in my music book).



Now for something delightfully trashy...



Gay party tonight. Let's see what drama unfolds this time. Hopefully I won't have anything to do except sit back and watch. I can hope... right?

So Much Better...

Why not move on? Stop complaining and grow up. I have no list, but this song made me smile today, so it ends up here...



I have been listening to a lot of Showtunes lately. While I am no connoisseur, it's just nice to settle back into some familiar music and enjoy real singing.

Busy busy busy... No time for the bs. It feels good. I cling to the distant hope of being treated decently, but it fades with each passing day. Soon indifference will set in and then I'll be off this rock for good anyways. Logic does prevail in the end.




Just found this... Including it. Lovin it. Get it.

Busy With A Bleeding Heart

School is picking back up. Finals loom, thus I am kicking back into high gear. I don't hate him, I don't miss him, I don't envy him... What I hate is being alone. I transferred all my loneliness into anger and then projected on to him and his happiness. I swallowed all my pride and shame, finally most of the time I feel nothing (better than rage). I just get lonely.

Straight, It's The New Gay

Nothing Like A Good Workout And Some Gaga

Gotta give it up when a song makes you feel good. And both of these have been doin it for me lately. Gagalupe...




I love Gaga, but this shit is hilarious...

I Did The Right Thing And I Still Feel Like Shit...

If I'm nice does it show continued interest? If I'm mean is it just jealousy?

I hate that they have each other, in front of my face and I am left alone. Here I am again. Just flailing and trying to keep it together. I know I can't hate him for not liking me, I don't. I hate him for making my life so difficult only to turn around and show me how easy it is for him to be with someone if he is also interested. It hurts that I was stupid enough to fall in his trap and now I have my face rubbed in it, like a dog that just pissed the carpet. Had he just let me know what the rules were, where I stood I could deal with it. Yet, Here I am. No closure. It's a bit too late to ask where we stand (I'm not that stupid or naive to hold on to hopes of us), but a simple explanation of everything that lead up to this point. Just throw me a fucking rope that isn't around my neck for once. I feel like everything I do is the wrong choice. If I talk to him I feel like I'm just talking to a wall, an awkward wall at that. If I ignore him I feel like an asshole for not talking to him. I feel like he's so beyond over it, he has a boy and a puppy (which is super cute btw, that's what filled a lot of my time at the BBQ). I'm sure I'm the last thing on his mind. I have my pillow and a growing empty pit in my heart. I am starting to feel a bit hopeless and bitter, which is never a good place to be in your psyche. You might say and do things you never meant to, because discipline can only win out for so long. I can only pretend like he's not an asshole who jerked me around and deserves a good beating (physical or emotional) for so long. There sadly is never a good time to call someone out who has emotionally wronged you and then left you for someone else...

Yeah I know it's stupid
But I just got to see it for myself

I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her
I'm right over here, why can't you see me
I'm givin' it my all, but I'm not the girl you're takin' home
I keep dancin' on my own

This song got me through a similar situation almost 5 years ago. I feel like this won't be the last time I turn to Sevendust for a little healing.

There's not one thing that you can say to make it right
Unless you say "I'm leavin"
And if you're not...then please tell me why
Please tell me why you can't
Save face
Say it to my face

Been listening to this too lately. I like the remix better, but couldn't find it so...

Kill 'Em With Kindness...

The smile on my face hes become less of an expression of joy and more a default mask to the world. The BBQ was fun (read the last post). He was there, his bf was there, they were all over each other and i served them each a piece of cake...
What else can I do? I have no hard feelings, well that's not completely true, but I am basically swallowing my hard feelings and trying to move on. It just sucks when the other person gets to move on first with someone else. I never actually got an answer from him about anything, not just why he didn't like me, but the cold shoulder, the flirting, etc. I am left with a hole in my chest, trying to use a band aid to cover up the mess that really needs stitches. It all heals in time, it just sucks right now. The good news i I can see far enough to know I'll be just fine.




So swallow the knife, carve the way for your pride...

Kiss and Make Up...

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.I hate this. I hate this.

So I am swallowing my pride and trying to play nice. I have talked to the guy Matt made out with. I have even sort of talked to him, although that initial interaction was not exactly what I was expecting. I was talking with his new guy and then he walked over and talked about not sleeping and I kind of chastised him about not sleeping. That's when he told me he had a test in the morning and while it's not my preferred method of studying I can condone an all nighter for a test. Then Matt said "What you can't just know my motives without me having to vocalize them?" My response, "No... But that would have saved me a lot of trouble." I just couldn't resist. I know it doesn't seem like a very reconcilliary thing to say given what I was trying to do, but if anyone knows me they'd know that I'm only half serious with remarks like that. Oh well, haven't talked since but there's a BBQ on Sunday at a friend's house that we'll both be attending. My battle plan is play nice and let the world know I have no hard feelings with anyone. It may not be fair, but it's the smartest thing I can do for myself. Holding on to all this crap is gonna do nothing but get me sick (I need not to catch my roommates cold, so this will be one less stressor on my life).

It would just be nice if he put a little effort into things too, since he's actually the one that caused this.

Are You Hungry For Wonderful?

'Cause I Am...

Just Stop...

I am so tired of rumors, half truths and jealousy. Everyone needs to mind their own god damned business and get out of mine. I'm not dating anyone, I'm not fucking anyone, so apparently if I hang out with a guy at this god forsaken place I am automatically turning to them for the previous. I'm over the rumor mill. I hate this. I tried so hard to just try and play low key, but of course that will never happen. I'm done. I have no gay friends here, just a bunch of people I keep at arm's distance and smile at when they walk by. It's sad it has already gotten to that point so early in my time here, but these bitches aren't playing any new kind of game and I have learned my lesson in the past how to deal with it.


Bide My Time...

I Go Ahead And Smile...

I am actually proud of myself. Major step forward today. Saw the guy that Matt kissed at the party today on the balcony. Instead of awkwardly making eye contact and walking away continuing the awkwardness of our last interaction (I saw him in the campus convenience store, he turned around just long enough to say "Hi" very quickly then shoved his earbud back in while we waited in line) I actually sucked it up and walked over to him and actually talked to him.
I'm pretty sure he thought I was going to throw him over the balcony (we were on the veranda 2 stories up) because he failed at hiding the fear in his eyes as I approached. It actually felt good to bury the hatchet on this one. I have no problem with him. I can't control Matt and who he "dates"/makes out with. It was just a relief to kind of get one less awkward interaction out of my life. They've been stacking up lately and this is one I could actually nip in the bud, so I did even if he is leaving December for good.


May as well end it with a bit of the baddest bitch...

So How About A Post That's Not Me Wining...

I think I'm gonna try talking about hings I enjoy. Posting all this music has been awesome, but it's been a bit one sided and themed towards the stupid drama of my life. I think I'm actually gonna try to add something random and enjoyable to my blog, like photography (and maybe some more music).

So in my spare time I like to look at random things to keep me from going inane on this little rock. Either things I like, find beautiful, funny or admirable or simply tings I want. It ranges from photos by certain photographers, to jewelry, to youtube videos (that aren't just music videos, although a lot of them are music parodies). So here goes nothing, maybe I'll introduce someone to something new, maybe I'll get a new follower, but most likely I'll simply have an easy access catalog of a few of the things that get me through my days in med school.

So I guess we can start with photography... Right now I'm digging old school Joe Opeddisano. There is one ad campaign he did, I don't even remember what it was for that I found just beautiful and sexy (and everyone was even fully clothed, which is a rarity for him.

So maybe I'm a little bit sick for liking it, but it's art. Keep up the good work Joe!

Then there is this jewelry designer, David Yurman. I recently found a piece in his new collection that I think is absolutely stunning. I don't think I could ever pull it off, or would even enjoy it, but for some reason I can't stop looking at it. It's a silver link bracelet with tiger's eye inlaid into the top of the links. For some reason I drool when I see it. Thoughts? 

He also has a much simpler collection of beaded bracelets, that I've actually seen in person and are very cool in their simplicity. It almost looks like a cheap bracelet you could buy anywhere, but they're actually beautiful if you take a second look. It's one of those things that doesn't appear flashy, until people actually pause and take notice what it actually is. The beads can be made of onyx, tiger's eye, lapis or coral. Depending on personal preference. I think I like the onyx and tiger's eye the best, but the blue lapis is very impressive. Anyways, long story short he has a lot of great stuff.

So yeah, those are things I randomly check out at the moment to get my art fix. I miss doing sculpture and jewelry, but med school wins.

Haters You Can Kill Yourselves...

Step Up In The Party Like My Name Was Mr. T

So go, now find yourself
You're selfish, condescending
You and me are now forever... (forever)
So go play God in someone else's life
'Cause you and me are now forever (forever dead)

Today is NOT A Good Day

Bloodied and hanging on display for all to see, that's about how I feel at the moment...

Just Keep Looking Up...

Full Circle...

Apparently the sad truth...




Just When You Think You're Out of Kindergarten...

Don't Tell Me You're Sorry Cause You're Not...

But It's Over Now

Feelin a Bit Dutty...

Tell Me Baby, Where Do We Go From Here?

How do you deal with someone you know you're going to randomly run into, that played you like a fool? This friends appears to be the million dollar question and I have yet to find an answer. Sadly I think he is still convinced he's playing hard to get, but doesn't someone have to want it first? In all of this I have realized he may have been what I like to look at, but he's obviously not my type. My type isn't a guy who is almost 30 playing games a 22 year old shouldn't even be playing. Welcome to the gay world :-( It's all too common. My friend J here is 33 and playing the same games with some poor guy (who's not so innocent, but deserves better than the mindfuck he got). So the question still remains, "Where do we go from here?" It's ever so convenient for you to pretend you didn't act like a jackass and while my passive nature says just let it go, I simply can't. I finally gave a mutual friend of ours (mine and the guys, the same one from dinner the other night) a bit more of the whole story and he was a bit dismayed at the craziness of the mixed signals that were sent my way. It was just nice to finally get confirmation that all of this wasn't in my head. That I didn't overanalyze or misread (well completely misread) the whole situation. No one else was impartial enough to really disclose all the details to (mainly because too many of these gay boys either have feelings for me or are trying to just sleep with me, yeah it sounds conceited but it's the f*$%in sad truth). Anyways, I need to get some sleep. Just wondering what tomorrow will bring. Calm serenity to wrathful vengeance at the drop of a hat and all the other crap in between. Stupid heart- just build a wall, climb to the top and get over it....   

Righting At Least One Wrong...

I feel I did this song a disservice by posting the remix, so here's the original. God this woman is ridiculous. I think she span like 5 octaves in this song without batting an eye. Love it.




And just because it feels so good to say/think:

I can't wait to face you, break you, down so low there's no place left to go
 

It Just Feels Too Good Not To Write

So I can't stop watching this video and listening to this song. Hope springs eternal, but music like this helps you realize it. Today was a good day and they can only get better...

Eh, Eh by Lady Gaga

Cherry, cherry, boom, boom
Gaga

Boy, we've had a real good time
And I wish you the best on your way, eh, eh
I didn't mean to hurt you
I never thought we'd fall out of place, eh, eh

I have something that I love long, long
But my friends keepa' tellin' me that something's wrong
Then I met someone
And eh, there's nothing else I can say

Eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say
Eh, eh, I wish he never looked at me that way
Eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say
Eh, eh

Not that I don't care about you
Just that things got so compliqué, eh, eh
I met somebody cute and funny
Got each other and that's funny, eh, eh, eh

I have something that I love long, long
But my friends keepa' tellin' me that something's wrong
Then I met someone
And eh, there's nothing else I can say

Eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say
Eh, eh, I wish he never looked at me that way
Eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say
Eh, eh

I have something that I love long, long
But my friends keepa' tellin' me that something's wrong
Then I met someone
And eh, there's nothing else I can say

Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say
Eh, eh, wish he never looked at me that way
Eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say

Eh, eh, wish he never looked at me that way
Eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say
Eh, eh, cherry, cherry, boom, boom

Eh, eh
Oh, yeah
All I can say is, eh

Even the font says happy. Reminds me of looking up at the sky on a sunny day. Looking forward to the next thing that will come my way. Perhaps right over the next horizon, just  out of sight waiting to find me :-)

There's nothing else I can say...

I, No I, I Won't Cry....

Fuck You 2...



Up Out My Face Boy...



It's not chipped, it's not cracked, boy we're shattered.

Damn that woman might be one big ball of crazy, but her songs do know how to express resentment. I saw him tonight while eating dinner with a friend. He came over and I didn't even bother to look up. He talked to my friend and addressed the both of us, but it was really more just to talk to my friend than me. I'm over it. I'm free. He's stupid and I don't need stupidity and drama in my life.

Speaking of which, apparently gays are the same everywhere. It's sad. I expected to escape pettiness and stupidity of the gay world when I left Orlando. Apparently even in an intellectual setting the fags still come out. It's disgusting. Same games, same drama, new location. I am now back to rolling my eyes and keeping an arm's distance between all these gays.

God let me find a boyfriend soon before I do something stupid and desperate with one of these idiots.

That is my prayer for the moment...

Ummmm, Where Has This Been Hiding In My Library?

Gotta love it when an old song creeps up and smacks you in the face. Oh my Gaga...

Music is My Medicine...

God I love music. You can almost always determine my mood by the playlist I have going. I think it helps me put things in perspective. As a person who tends to internalize, it's nice to know that there are others who are going through the same thing. Misery loves company, but happiness is much better companion. It can all be found somewhere in the musical universe and I thank god i have access to it otherwise I would go crazy.


I Don't Got The Time To Play Highschool...

You Get The Idea...

So I may want to be the only BOY in his world. Whoever he may be...

Words To Live By and Do Homework To...

It's even sweeter than candy





The biggest bitch is karma, let her do her job...





Say goodbye to my heart tonight...





You're a knife, sharp and deadly. And it's me, that you cut in to...

Poison...

Dammit. I had this weird wonderful poem go through my head last night before bed. One of those wonderful, deep moments of clarity. Now all I can remember is that it involved poison. Interesting that this is where my thoughts take me nowadays.

I can't wait to hate you...

So the talk never happened, but I did get all the answers I wanted and more. I would say having him make out with some other guy at the party says more than he ever could. So, thank you Mariah for this lovely ballad to pain and frustration and stupidity. Nothing else to report at the moment, just keeping my head down for a bit in the personal department. I'm here for school and I'll be gone in 2 years... maybe I should follow my roommates example and start a countdown.

Back to the grind...

Let's Set The Scene...

So the location may ave changed, but apparently some things are Universal. Since my last post I finished school, had one weird roller coaster of a summer and started med school. I am now in the Caribbean. I am now moving forward with my professional life. I made it out of limbo... or have I?

So the great thing about being here, is that I no longer feel like I'm just spinning my wheels in terms of my life goals and ambitions. I have wanted to be a doctor for as long as I can really remember and it's actually happening. I even survived my 1st round of midterms and managed all A's. Yay!

Now that we've established that part, let's move on to the ludicrous clusterfuck that has been my personal life. Now, I'm on an island where being gay is actually illegal. Awesome. That doesn't really bother me because school shields us for the most part. It does encourage many others to stay and remain in the closet since the LGBT life and group is forced underground. We actually have a party tonight that I'm super excited about. Anyways, that's beside the point. Let's go back to the beginning. In all honesty I came here planning to just keep my head down, nose to the grindstone, and get off this rock to NYC in 2 years where I could possibly find someone. Well, enter the blindside of a guy who is pretty much everything I want in a man. He's tall, he works out, he travels, he wants to be a Dr, he paints, he works out, etc etc. He randomly messages me and we get to talking/flirting via email. Anyways we meet for the first time to work out together, had fun talking etc. Anyways we talk from time to time via email, then suddenly it stops. I notice that I only get an email from him when he wants to say something, but my messages are never replied to. Basically it's a bit of hard to get mixed with cold shoulder. So then I see him at the gym and he acts like nothing is wrong, so I think maybe he's shy or whatever. Stupid me. Well continue this idiotic cycle of me playing "he likes me, he likes me not". There were some major lows, followed by him randomly popping in to redeem himself just before I could get angry enough to swear him off forever.

Fast forward, I wait until neither of us has tests and ask him if he wants to grab dinner some time. Well, this is a calamity of errors from both sides. If 2 friends want to grab dinner, it shouldn't be very difficult right? But dates require planning, etc. Well you would think I had asked him if he wanted to go hunt babies with bazookas... It took so much leg work (and by that I mean back and forth emailing) to get him to commit. Well, in my mind this felt like a date because he made it so difficult to get. Now he shows up to my room and it was at that moment (btw I was dressed somewhat well and had my hair actually gelled etc) that I realized this was not what I had thought. Now, there was nothing wrong with dinner, but if you're expecting a date and get pizza and what feels like 2 friends at dinner... well who wouldn't be a bit disappointed.

Anyways, after that I just gave up on him. I didn't message, text, call nothing (not like I really was before). The biggest change came with when I would actually see him on campus, I would no longer stop to talk to him like I do with most people I know. I gave him the same stupid half wave half salute he gives me. So we go a week without any communication, by the way that includes not even a text message that he had fun at dinner. Then I saw him in the gym and refused to be the one to approach him. It took over an hour for him to say anything. The only time he actually said hi was when we crossed paths in the locker room. There was never a real approach and deliberate establishment of contact. I feel so stupid now rereading and thinking about all of this. The next night I see him in the gym and redouble my efforts not to really talk to him. I get home to a facebook message that I look "stressed". Are you kidding me? He told me not to worry about midterms since they were the week after this whole debacle. I wanted to tell him I wasn't worried about mid terms, I was stressed because it took too much concentration to not pay him any attention. It's like pretending there's no elephant in the room during a stampede.

Now midterms come and go and it's radio silence which was fine because I really was too delirious and cracked out to deal with any BS

In the meantime I have been trying to figure out what to do about this whole crazy affair. In talking to several people the one universal question tat came up was, "Does he know you like him?" and sadly I couldn't answer it. So, tonight I am finally going to just come out and say it. Lay it out there and get the final definitive answer and move on one way or another. The good news is I am kind of expecting the rejection to come (some hearsay has indicated it along with many of his actions), so my heart has the first aid kit out and waiting. Even better news is that I can finally stitch my heart back together and let it heal instead of leaving it open wondering if he will somehow get the hint. I know it will hurt to get shot down, I can't live with this uncertainty. It has taken too much of my mental capacity and time already. I can dissect anything in my mind millions of times until its a tangled mess.

Oh, and just because he says no doesn't mean I'm gonna drop him like a hot potato. I actually do want to be, at the very least, friends with him. That will definitely be part of the talk tonight if [when] it gets to that point.

So, wish me luck. Either way I'm so happy it's the weekend. Gay party tonight, beach party tomorrow. Yay for slow weeks in med school!

As usual an unoriginal portion, enjoy:

Now, now, now, honey

You better sit down and look around

Cause you must've bumped yo' head

And I love you enough to talk some sense back into you, baby

I'd hate to see you come home, me the kids

And the dog is gone

Check my credentials...

I give you everything you want everything you need

Even your friends say I'm a good woman

All I need to know is why?

Why don't you love me?

Tell me, baby, why don't you love me

When I make me so damn easy to love?

And why don't you need me?

Tell me, baby, why don't you need me

When I make me so damn easy to need?

I got beauty, I got class

I got style, and I got ass

And you don't even care to care

Looka here

I even put money in the bank account

Don't have to ask no one to help me out

You don't even notice that

Why don't you love me?

Tell me, baby, why don't you love me

When I make me so damn easy to love?

Why don't you need me?

Tell me, baby, why don't you need me

When I make me so damn easy to need?

I got beauty, I got heart

Keep my head in them books, I'm sharp

But you don't care to know I'm smart

Now, now now now now now now

I got moves in your bedroom

Keep you happy with the nasty things I do

But you don't seem to be in tune

Ooh.....

Why don't you love me?

Tell me, baby, why don't you love me

When I make me so damn easy to love?

Why don't you need me?

Tell me, baby, why don't you need me

When I make me so damn easy to need?

There's nothing not to love about me

No, no, there's nothing not to love about me

I'm lovely

There's nothing not to need about me

No, no, there's nothing not to need about me

Maybe you're just not the one

Or maybe you're just plain....... DUMB

Playing Catch Up...

So since my last post I spent 4 days in Pensacola and then a few days at home. The time in Pensacola was great. We literally just hung around and watched movies all day most of the time cuddling on the couch. We went out one night which was alright, nothing special (not that it needed to be). When he had to work I would do a little school work (finding out just how behind I am today was not a nice welcome back from spring break...). Realized we're definitely just friends. He's a great guy, but there are a lot of issues there besides distance and well, the feeling just isn't there. I will say that it was nice to sleep next to someone for a while. Just having someone to hold for a few days it was great. Then when I got home Friday my best friend from high school texted me and asked if I was in town because he was visiting from North Carolina. I haven't seen or heard from this kid in 6 months (not for lack of trying, he's just awful when it comes to communicating and he's working all the time). So what was supposed to be maybe a one nighter at home turned into a whole weekend. Well Friday night was quite honestly one of the worst experiences of my life. None of the guys I was hanging with know I'm gay, so it was literally just me standing there and playing straight while they continuously kept asking why I wasn't hooking up with one girl or another. Mind you I was also driving, so I wasn't drinking like the rest of them. It got a bit out of control at one point while we were out and I just found myself wondering what the hell to do. Every time I would think maybe I had an opening to at least tell my best friend he would complain that there are already too many Jewish gays and that it didn't make sense and how could you do it, etc, etc... Most awkward part of the night goes to the scene in the pizza parlor after the club where they decided not to put in our order until we asked where our pizza was since we had been waiting over a half hour. Well small talk turned into sex talk and I really just wanted to grab a knife and call it a night. I was so over it. Lately playing straight had begun to bother me, but in therapy I learned that my defense mechanism is to minimize my feelings. Well there was no minimizing that night. I was ready to snap on anyone that gave me the chance (like a wrong look or if you bump me wrong). I finally realized that suppressing who I am sucks. Plain and simple. Saturday night was actually a lot of fun. We had dinner at my friend's house with his whole family, just like back in the day. It was great, then his sisters, him, another old friend and I all went out again. This time (I think because the girls were there) there was no bullshit talk, no taunting it was just a nice time dancing near the bar and hanging out. I don't have all the answers, but I do think I am making progress. I'm actually really looking forward to group tomorrow. That's about it for now. More to come soon. Need to get through 2 tests friday, one of which I forgot about until I was reminded in class this morning about (which means all the reading I should have done over spring break is coming back to bite me in the ass). Oh well, I had fun and it was so beyond worth it.

I Feel: Day 7

So I skipped a day. Yesterday was a pretty blah day anyways, slept most of it away. Today I'm excited. Plans confirmed, leavin for pensacola tomorrow to go see this new guy. It's bizarre, I don't know why I'm so excited. Maybe it's the prospect of something new and different. A refreshing outlook on life that is about more than going out every weekend to the same place with the same people hoping for a hookup. I haven't been this excited to meet someone new in a long time. Best part, we met in a legitimate non-"adult" way, Facebook. He is a friend of friends and then friend requested me. It's been crazy talking to him and I can't believe we're actually gonna meet. Now I need to cover all my bases, so no one wonders where I am. Orlando friends, I'm home; parents I'm at my apartment; anyone else, well I don't really talk to them anyways. So excited!

I Feel: Day 5

Today I felt happy. I got to sleep in and then hang with some good friends. Saw The Crazies, it was ok. I also feel kind of fat... my diet always takes a hit when I go home. What can I say, old habits die hard. Whatever, need to get some cardio in even if i can't lift because of this pinched nerve.

I also still feel happy about my latest romantic prospect. I might go visit him in the next few days, so we'll see what happens.

I Feel: Day 3

Today I feel accomplished and bored... I had a test early this morning and that went pretty well. Then came home and crashed. Well, i guess not every day needs to be a struggle.

I Feel: Day 2

Today I felt alone and unsatisfied. I feel like I am sacrificing my emotional needs for my physical needs. I want a boyfriend so badly, but haven't found that yet. Instead what I have found is mind blowing sex. It's great, but that spark that something is missing. It's not such a big deal during, although as an aquarius I never actually completely detach from my intellect. Afterwards I am just left feeling even more alone than before... Why can I make this kind of connection physically and be left with such a huge hole emotionally. Now I feel disappointed in myself. The worst part, when I think about the sex I get hard. Then I crave something to snuggle with. Then I feel even more disappointed at the fact that one guy I do actually feel an emotional connection to is 400 miles away and a bit of psychologically unstable (depression, anxiety, negative self image). I am encouraged by the fact that he's in therapy now and just got a new medication for his depression. Its good to see people who want to improve themselves actually doing it. Ok, now that I've rationalized my feelings, I think this is over. I got my feelings down, that's what matters most I guess. More to come maybe later... if not tomorrow

Day 1: I Feel...

So in my group therapy session today they decided to make our goal to find the feelings beneath our intellectual rationalization. So, I'm gonna try to do an entry per day, short and to the point about my emotions.

Today, I feel alone and frustrated. I am single. I am gay. I am masculine. I feel stuck between the realm of straight and gay. Fuck! I'm tired of settling and hiding who I am because I'm either not masculine or not "gay" enough... For today, I'm done.

Give Me Therapy, I'm A Walking Travesty

So... I decided to join a group therapy for people dealing with their sexuality. It's not a pray the gay away group. It's just a place to talk about the challenges we are all going through as young gay individuals. I haven't told anyone yet and I don't know if I will. I know it's nothing to be ashamed of to admit you need help, but it still doesn't lend itself to the idea that you are too weak to deal with it alone. It's a vulnerability and well, to be honest, I'm not in a place to be that vulnerable with anyone. It has actually been a very good experience, even if we have only had 2 meetings so far.
One thing that still continues to plague me there and well I guess in most of the gay community is that I'm not "stereotypically gay" enough. I feel like an outsider looking in, but I'm not about to run around calling everyone "Girl!" just because the gays think it's cute. It's not me... I tried to pick up some of the mannerisms and such, but I hated hearing things like that come out of my mouth (it was mostly a habit I picked up by hanging out with so many gays). I have a real problem picking up accents, speech patterns and mannerisms from people very quickly. Luckily I have gotten some away time due to illness and well, just sort of a backlash of wanting not to be with them. At the same time, I feel isolated from the straight community because I'm gay. I hate having to hide it form most of my straight friends and to be honest for the most part I don't really have the energy to go searching for friendships in school. There is no sense of community because there are about 40,000 people and almost everyone commutes. I have made a few friends through the pre-med fraternity I joined because most of them are also in my classes. But I feel like I just have this huge anxiety whenever I'm around them about whether or not they know I'm gay. I hate it. I hate all of this. What about sleeping with a man makes me less of one?

If I Bleed My Lies Won't Fill the Emptiness Inside...

It's official, I need to find a boyfriend. I need to feel the connection that goes beyond friendship emotionally and transcends a hookup physically. I just keep looking around at the people I have met in the gay community here and it scares me to death. Most of them are nearing their 30's or older and they are all single. They simply are stuck on this sad awful loop of work and gay bars, with the occasional circuit party or hookup thrown in. Is this what we've come too as a community? A bunch of men at dead end jobs (I know there are plenty of successful gay men out there, but there is an awful majority of them stuck in whatever type jobs that just get them the money they need to pay rent and go out) who will live out the remainder of their days trawling for dick in one place or another. My worst fear incarnate and I get to see it most weekends...
Now, does this mean I am going to just settle down with anyone? God no! I know what a real connection feels like and I am searching for "that feeling". We all know what that feels like- it doesn't matter what you do with your time together as long as you're together (even if that something is fighting). I'm not naive, I know relationships have their problems and perfection doesn't happen. But is it too much to ask for out of life for a little spark towards someone?
How about someone that isn't several hours away, I understand distance isn't a problem in love, but it really makes things difficult when trying to get to know someone. Or has some kind of mental trauma (paranoia or depression), and actually the guys that I speak of like this are the most real and genuine of the bunch that I know, sad right. Maybe it takes a little psychosis to break the spell of cattiness and superficiality.
Another bug problem is the way that nothing in this town remains private... Everyone has slept with everyone else, then friends shift and the cycle begins anew. It almost feels incestuous around here. I get that it shouldn't matter, but I mean let's face it no one wants to be with the guy that the rest of the town has been with. There are some things about a relationship you would like to be kept between you and your partner and well, let's face it gay men don't know how to keep their mouth's shut. I mean, I know other people aren't actually there to watch what happens in the bedroom (unless you like that sort of thing, but that's a whole separate cluster fuck) yet does someone's performance really change from person to person. The last thing I need to hear from people is whether or not my boyfriend was fun in bed, has a big dick, etc.
Well, a rant about my loneliness has turned into a rant for why I'm single. Sorry, just needed to get that one off my chest.

In other news, school is going pretty well this semester. Spring Break is next week. It'll be nice to have a break where I hopefully won't be sick. I need to clean up my room like it's no one's business. I might also travel around a bit, just get out and see something new. Why not? I'm only young once...

Psych Paper... If you're really that interested

            Confabulation is a normal part of everyday life. As human beings we attempt to explain the world around us even if we have to make it up. Previous work by Wolford, Miller and Gazzaniga has demonstrated that the part of the mind responsible for making up such hypotheses, at least verbally, resides in the left hemisphere of the brain (2000). It is hypothesized to be in the frontal cortex, since this is an area “important for self generated behaviours” (Bower, 2000), but the actual area of the brain responsible has yet to be discovered. This paper suggests a theory for future experiments in an attempt to locate where in our brain these hypotheses stem from. This would be accomplished by having split brain patients perform a task which involves both pointing/choosing and verbally speaking during functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) scans.

Nature vs. Nurture and The Left Brain Interpreter

Sorry Percy, but I needed to write about that sermon you sent me.

For anyone else reading, it's a sermon about a pastor's experience dealing with his homosexual attraction. It was an interesting sermon and I actually really enjoyed it until he got into the idea of nature vs. nurture. He blamed his homosexuality on the relationship he had with his parents and then proceeded to generalize that everyone he knew with homosexual attractions had the same type of relationship with theirs. Well, from there I was kind of turned off to most of what this guy had been saying. Being a psych major I know what perceptions can do to any objective listening experience. I tried to keep an open mind for the remainder of his speech.
Well this guy has been going to therapy in an attempt to become heterosexual. A large chunk of his speech was basically an explanation for why he believes he is attracted to men. Something I learned by studying psychology is that the brain loves to be rational. Listening to his story and his explanation, all I could think of was that this is a combination of psychobabble and a desperate attempt at his left hemisphere to rationalize uncertainty.
In my senior psychology seminar I wrote a paper on the left brain interpreter. Basically it is the part of the brain responsible for confabulation, the replacement of a gap in a person's memory by a falsification that he or she believes to be true. While this sounds like something only crazy people do, know this, EVERYONE confabulates. What separates most people from the crazies is that the crazy ones do it without provocation, we do it only when it is necessary. Our necessity stems from our mind not being able to chalk things up to randomness, it constantly seeks pattern and order in a world of chaos. It leads to so many other problems and myths including gambling habits, but I digress. I'll try to attach the paper if you are really interested.
Anyways, listening to this man talk I could kind of relate to some of his arguments. The most piercing of his arguments was his desire for marriage and children, to which I can relate. [Side note, there was no question of nature vs. nurture when he thought about being with a woman- just because it's the "norm" does not mean that society plays no role in bringing about this desire. I mean there is a part of me that hates the idea that I'm probably not going to get to fulfill that dream we all grow up holding on to, but I know there is no repressing who I am. I talked with a friend of mine who actually has a son, and he told me "yeah I could obviously be attracted enough get it up, but that doesn't mean I was happy with a woman." That really hit me hard when he said that. It has actually helped me come to terms with a lot of my own feelings.] When the pastor mentioned his hope to battle through and marry a wife and have a family, I wonder if he means can he fool himself enough into getting a woman pregnant and calling it a day? I know marriage is no fairy tale for most people, add latent homosexuality and you're just asking for a mess. I'm slowly beginning to accept the idea that it's actually ok for me to be gay. To embrace who I am, even if it's not the norm and especially not how I pictured my life when I was younger. 
The pastor admitted his need to repress his homosexual desires. He does it for Jesus, he denies himself a shot at happiness because he feels god frowns on gay people. I understand that throughout history the clergy have given up many things in their service to god, but I thought that was mainly in Catholicism. I guess I'm lucky I'm not christian or super religious because it's one less hurdle I have to jump in my own mind when thinking about this.
Anyways... I'm attaching the sermon at the bottom. It's about 30 min, but I think worth the listen if you have some time.

Matt’s Story

Breath of relief...

So last time I blogged I mentioned how sick I was and that the doctor made me go get a bunch of blood tests. Thrush usually occurs in people with diabetes or... well HIV. You try to be safe, but there is always that shadow of a doubt in your mind. Well, I had been suffering waiting for the results for over a week. Thank god everything came back negative. It was one of the scariest times of my life. I don't think I would know what to do if things had come out the other way. Also turns out my triglycerides are 70 and my good cholesterol is a little low.
Had 3 tests yesterday that went relatively well considering the fact that I also went to Gasparilla. Then I went and got my results. I could have failed each and every one of those tests and after the moment they said I was negative I wouldn't have cared. So yeah, that's about it. OH, I bought a box of condoms (had a few, figured a 12 pack can't do any harm). Never feeling like this ever again. Not that I'm planning to be with anyone, but my life is too important to risk it for anyone if it should come down to it.
Ok, its bed time for me. Just a little quickie for a certain someone.

If you're not drunk and half naked by this point, you're not paying attention...

Well, let me just say that 2010 has not been much easier than 2009. New Year's Eve dragged up every old piece of baggage between Ted and I. I don't think he has really forgiven me for everything that went down that night. Let's just say I need not to get black out drunk anymore because bad things just seem to happen and I don't know about them until the next morning when it's far too late. Did go see Sevendust and Lady Gaga that weekend, which were both a blast. Love concerts!  Well on the 4th Ted and I had our first talk since the meltdown one NYE and he proceeded to tell me just how terrible I had been even before the climax just after midnight. He asked me if I even considered him a friend... Well, the more I hear about the less I'm convinced he's willing to move on. Oh well, haven't really seen each other since then anyways. Skip forward the next weekend in January, where I actually had a real date. Like we went to dinner, talked and then headed seperate ways for the evening. It was very refreshing, it ended in a wonderfully unexpected kiss. Anyways, ended up going to another party with this this guy on Saturday which was really nice and low key (Friday was a game night, which ended up bein a bit of a wash thanks to monopoly). So we really hit things off, but there is not "that" feeling. We'll see, it's just nice and he's a great guy. I don't know what it is with me and these older guys, but yeah he's older than me. We'll see what happens.

School Started last week and I have not been so sick in a long time. Started with a sinus infection, then a swollen lymph node, followed by fever and weakness, and now thrush... i'm crumbling. I have not been sick like this for as long as I can remember. So i'm going for an HIV test ASAP, wish me luck. Havent actually been to a doctor in awhile, simply had the Zpak called in. Ugh... OK. That seems about right for the moment.