More and more, it feels like I'm doing a really bad impersonation of myself

I had people warn me that heading down the road of casual sex leads to emptiness, but I didn't believe them. I had to run down that dark alley, find the pot hole and face plant. Unfortunately, it is a one way street and the only thing to do is pick my ass back up and hope there is a crossroads coming up back into civilization.

I feel disgusting on so many levels. I feel subhuman as far as self worth and I also feel fat because I haven't been to the gym in a week... Ugh! I guess if I'm gonna have people talk shit about me I don't want it to be about how I let myself go. Let them call me whatever they want and shun me in public, but I may as well look good while they're doing it.

"If I can't be beautiful, I want to be invisible"

PS My education is really paying off- I know how to trick my body into thinking it slept much better than it actually did. Yay for 1 REM cycle!!!

If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t...

I feel like I have become something I never wanted to be. I have plenty of people willing to give me what I no longer want. I am tired of feeling empty, yet I don't know how to change it. I feel like I lit my life on fire last night. No, actually, fire is to long and drawn out. I feel like I decided to drop an hydrogen bomb square on the few gay friends I have tried to make in this town, just to ensure complete and utter destruction. In a moment I realized just how badly I had fucked it all up. In a moment I now no longer want to show my face out in public. I just want to crawl back to my life before this. It wasn't glamorous, but god, at least I was doing well in school and I didn't feel like crap every other day.

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you can find your prince right? When will I feel some emotional connection to someone deeper than an orgasm? What is wrong with me? I just want that amazing feeling of I want you, I need you, please be mine...

"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me.
A mutual addiction"

There lies the problem... I feel like I miss the connection by just a bit. I want someone in my life to be my cocaine. I want them more than food, water and most importantly more than anyone else.

Until then I will just be sitting here, wishing I had just gone to a movie yesterday instead of playing dumb (unfortunately I wasn't playing, but I think everyone else is pretty sure it was just blatant disrespect and gall).

Being Sick Sure Gives You Way too Much Time to Reflect on Things

So, I have been meaning to get some things down on here. Since the last time things have gone in some rather ridiculous and crazy directions.

I am now back in school and while it keeps me busy I have a fair amount of free time, which for a while I was filling with men. At some point I looked and asked myself, "What am I doing?" Right now I am trying to piece things together and figure out this new scene I have found myself in. My biggest fear is I wake up one morning and find myself a friendless whore, it is apparently pretty easy to do in this cruel small city.

Have actually met a few decent guys online that have turned into more than just hook ups. None are boyfriend material, but friendship seems to work better for me than relationships. So, right now I am trying to meet people and make friends in this new city. Although the feeling I get is that if you want friendship, don't ask gay men especially online.

Despite all that I have made a few great friends via a guy I met online who is actually my age (nice change from the 40+ year olds that are usually lurking out there). He has introduced me to some of his friends who live around here and I am now able to almost start networking and making friends here sans internet. We'll see how things go.

Also since my last post, the girl who was fucking my best friend had since stopped and we were talking. Next thing I knew she had a real boyfriend. I talked to her the other day and she said it ended because her heart belongs to me. Wow... At one point I could have said the same, but now I am not so sure. I feel awful about it, but know I can't help it. She had my heart, but then I thought she was out of my life. It's almost like the blonde girl up at school, but a bigger mess. Oh, well. We'll see how things work out. I am not opposed to going on a date and see where things go form there.

In the time since my last blog I also cut ties with a guy who helped me when I was struggling with the whole idea of even messing around with men. I have come a long way since then and somewhere along the line I think he reminded me of that darm time in my life where I wasn't sure and pretty much hated myself. Somehow talking to him brought me back to that place each conversation. Add to that the direction our relationship was heading and my utter fear of actually confronting things and here we are. I feel awful about it, but it was one of those things that I sadly had to do. I still check up on him via his blog and really do wish him all the best.

Lastly- I say I don't know what I'm looking for, but that's not true. I am looking for that spark, that feeling, that deep intangible something that is found in great relationships. I understand they aren't easy to maintain, but shouldn't there be a point in the beginning at least where you are not attempting to force it to work. I knwo this exists because a friend of mine just found it, granted it was with a girl, but it still gives me hope. There are times where I fee like a failure in love because unfortuantely all I have lately to show for my efforts are burning wreckage and unrequited crushes. Well, the hunt continues.

Until next time...