Today is NOT A Good Day

Bloodied and hanging on display for all to see, that's about how I feel at the moment...

Just Keep Looking Up...

Full Circle...

Apparently the sad truth...




Just When You Think You're Out of Kindergarten...

Don't Tell Me You're Sorry Cause You're Not...

But It's Over Now

Feelin a Bit Dutty...

Tell Me Baby, Where Do We Go From Here?

How do you deal with someone you know you're going to randomly run into, that played you like a fool? This friends appears to be the million dollar question and I have yet to find an answer. Sadly I think he is still convinced he's playing hard to get, but doesn't someone have to want it first? In all of this I have realized he may have been what I like to look at, but he's obviously not my type. My type isn't a guy who is almost 30 playing games a 22 year old shouldn't even be playing. Welcome to the gay world :-( It's all too common. My friend J here is 33 and playing the same games with some poor guy (who's not so innocent, but deserves better than the mindfuck he got). So the question still remains, "Where do we go from here?" It's ever so convenient for you to pretend you didn't act like a jackass and while my passive nature says just let it go, I simply can't. I finally gave a mutual friend of ours (mine and the guys, the same one from dinner the other night) a bit more of the whole story and he was a bit dismayed at the craziness of the mixed signals that were sent my way. It was just nice to finally get confirmation that all of this wasn't in my head. That I didn't overanalyze or misread (well completely misread) the whole situation. No one else was impartial enough to really disclose all the details to (mainly because too many of these gay boys either have feelings for me or are trying to just sleep with me, yeah it sounds conceited but it's the f*$%in sad truth). Anyways, I need to get some sleep. Just wondering what tomorrow will bring. Calm serenity to wrathful vengeance at the drop of a hat and all the other crap in between. Stupid heart- just build a wall, climb to the top and get over it....   

Righting At Least One Wrong...

I feel I did this song a disservice by posting the remix, so here's the original. God this woman is ridiculous. I think she span like 5 octaves in this song without batting an eye. Love it.




And just because it feels so good to say/think:

I can't wait to face you, break you, down so low there's no place left to go
 

It Just Feels Too Good Not To Write

So I can't stop watching this video and listening to this song. Hope springs eternal, but music like this helps you realize it. Today was a good day and they can only get better...

Eh, Eh by Lady Gaga

Cherry, cherry, boom, boom
Gaga

Boy, we've had a real good time
And I wish you the best on your way, eh, eh
I didn't mean to hurt you
I never thought we'd fall out of place, eh, eh

I have something that I love long, long
But my friends keepa' tellin' me that something's wrong
Then I met someone
And eh, there's nothing else I can say

Eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say
Eh, eh, I wish he never looked at me that way
Eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say
Eh, eh

Not that I don't care about you
Just that things got so compliqué, eh, eh
I met somebody cute and funny
Got each other and that's funny, eh, eh, eh

I have something that I love long, long
But my friends keepa' tellin' me that something's wrong
Then I met someone
And eh, there's nothing else I can say

Eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say
Eh, eh, I wish he never looked at me that way
Eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say
Eh, eh

I have something that I love long, long
But my friends keepa' tellin' me that something's wrong
Then I met someone
And eh, there's nothing else I can say

Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say
Eh, eh, wish he never looked at me that way
Eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say

Eh, eh, wish he never looked at me that way
Eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say
Eh, eh, cherry, cherry, boom, boom

Eh, eh
Oh, yeah
All I can say is, eh

Even the font says happy. Reminds me of looking up at the sky on a sunny day. Looking forward to the next thing that will come my way. Perhaps right over the next horizon, just  out of sight waiting to find me :-)

There's nothing else I can say...

I, No I, I Won't Cry....

Fuck You 2...



Up Out My Face Boy...



It's not chipped, it's not cracked, boy we're shattered.

Damn that woman might be one big ball of crazy, but her songs do know how to express resentment. I saw him tonight while eating dinner with a friend. He came over and I didn't even bother to look up. He talked to my friend and addressed the both of us, but it was really more just to talk to my friend than me. I'm over it. I'm free. He's stupid and I don't need stupidity and drama in my life.

Speaking of which, apparently gays are the same everywhere. It's sad. I expected to escape pettiness and stupidity of the gay world when I left Orlando. Apparently even in an intellectual setting the fags still come out. It's disgusting. Same games, same drama, new location. I am now back to rolling my eyes and keeping an arm's distance between all these gays.

God let me find a boyfriend soon before I do something stupid and desperate with one of these idiots.

That is my prayer for the moment...

Ummmm, Where Has This Been Hiding In My Library?

Gotta love it when an old song creeps up and smacks you in the face. Oh my Gaga...

Music is My Medicine...

God I love music. You can almost always determine my mood by the playlist I have going. I think it helps me put things in perspective. As a person who tends to internalize, it's nice to know that there are others who are going through the same thing. Misery loves company, but happiness is much better companion. It can all be found somewhere in the musical universe and I thank god i have access to it otherwise I would go crazy.


I Don't Got The Time To Play Highschool...

You Get The Idea...

So I may want to be the only BOY in his world. Whoever he may be...

Words To Live By and Do Homework To...

It's even sweeter than candy





The biggest bitch is karma, let her do her job...





Say goodbye to my heart tonight...





You're a knife, sharp and deadly. And it's me, that you cut in to...

Poison...

Dammit. I had this weird wonderful poem go through my head last night before bed. One of those wonderful, deep moments of clarity. Now all I can remember is that it involved poison. Interesting that this is where my thoughts take me nowadays.

I can't wait to hate you...

So the talk never happened, but I did get all the answers I wanted and more. I would say having him make out with some other guy at the party says more than he ever could. So, thank you Mariah for this lovely ballad to pain and frustration and stupidity. Nothing else to report at the moment, just keeping my head down for a bit in the personal department. I'm here for school and I'll be gone in 2 years... maybe I should follow my roommates example and start a countdown.

Back to the grind...

Let's Set The Scene...

So the location may ave changed, but apparently some things are Universal. Since my last post I finished school, had one weird roller coaster of a summer and started med school. I am now in the Caribbean. I am now moving forward with my professional life. I made it out of limbo... or have I?

So the great thing about being here, is that I no longer feel like I'm just spinning my wheels in terms of my life goals and ambitions. I have wanted to be a doctor for as long as I can really remember and it's actually happening. I even survived my 1st round of midterms and managed all A's. Yay!

Now that we've established that part, let's move on to the ludicrous clusterfuck that has been my personal life. Now, I'm on an island where being gay is actually illegal. Awesome. That doesn't really bother me because school shields us for the most part. It does encourage many others to stay and remain in the closet since the LGBT life and group is forced underground. We actually have a party tonight that I'm super excited about. Anyways, that's beside the point. Let's go back to the beginning. In all honesty I came here planning to just keep my head down, nose to the grindstone, and get off this rock to NYC in 2 years where I could possibly find someone. Well, enter the blindside of a guy who is pretty much everything I want in a man. He's tall, he works out, he travels, he wants to be a Dr, he paints, he works out, etc etc. He randomly messages me and we get to talking/flirting via email. Anyways we meet for the first time to work out together, had fun talking etc. Anyways we talk from time to time via email, then suddenly it stops. I notice that I only get an email from him when he wants to say something, but my messages are never replied to. Basically it's a bit of hard to get mixed with cold shoulder. So then I see him at the gym and he acts like nothing is wrong, so I think maybe he's shy or whatever. Stupid me. Well continue this idiotic cycle of me playing "he likes me, he likes me not". There were some major lows, followed by him randomly popping in to redeem himself just before I could get angry enough to swear him off forever.

Fast forward, I wait until neither of us has tests and ask him if he wants to grab dinner some time. Well, this is a calamity of errors from both sides. If 2 friends want to grab dinner, it shouldn't be very difficult right? But dates require planning, etc. Well you would think I had asked him if he wanted to go hunt babies with bazookas... It took so much leg work (and by that I mean back and forth emailing) to get him to commit. Well, in my mind this felt like a date because he made it so difficult to get. Now he shows up to my room and it was at that moment (btw I was dressed somewhat well and had my hair actually gelled etc) that I realized this was not what I had thought. Now, there was nothing wrong with dinner, but if you're expecting a date and get pizza and what feels like 2 friends at dinner... well who wouldn't be a bit disappointed.

Anyways, after that I just gave up on him. I didn't message, text, call nothing (not like I really was before). The biggest change came with when I would actually see him on campus, I would no longer stop to talk to him like I do with most people I know. I gave him the same stupid half wave half salute he gives me. So we go a week without any communication, by the way that includes not even a text message that he had fun at dinner. Then I saw him in the gym and refused to be the one to approach him. It took over an hour for him to say anything. The only time he actually said hi was when we crossed paths in the locker room. There was never a real approach and deliberate establishment of contact. I feel so stupid now rereading and thinking about all of this. The next night I see him in the gym and redouble my efforts not to really talk to him. I get home to a facebook message that I look "stressed". Are you kidding me? He told me not to worry about midterms since they were the week after this whole debacle. I wanted to tell him I wasn't worried about mid terms, I was stressed because it took too much concentration to not pay him any attention. It's like pretending there's no elephant in the room during a stampede.

Now midterms come and go and it's radio silence which was fine because I really was too delirious and cracked out to deal with any BS

In the meantime I have been trying to figure out what to do about this whole crazy affair. In talking to several people the one universal question tat came up was, "Does he know you like him?" and sadly I couldn't answer it. So, tonight I am finally going to just come out and say it. Lay it out there and get the final definitive answer and move on one way or another. The good news is I am kind of expecting the rejection to come (some hearsay has indicated it along with many of his actions), so my heart has the first aid kit out and waiting. Even better news is that I can finally stitch my heart back together and let it heal instead of leaving it open wondering if he will somehow get the hint. I know it will hurt to get shot down, I can't live with this uncertainty. It has taken too much of my mental capacity and time already. I can dissect anything in my mind millions of times until its a tangled mess.

Oh, and just because he says no doesn't mean I'm gonna drop him like a hot potato. I actually do want to be, at the very least, friends with him. That will definitely be part of the talk tonight if [when] it gets to that point.

So, wish me luck. Either way I'm so happy it's the weekend. Gay party tonight, beach party tomorrow. Yay for slow weeks in med school!

As usual an unoriginal portion, enjoy:

Now, now, now, honey

You better sit down and look around

Cause you must've bumped yo' head

And I love you enough to talk some sense back into you, baby

I'd hate to see you come home, me the kids

And the dog is gone

Check my credentials...

I give you everything you want everything you need

Even your friends say I'm a good woman

All I need to know is why?

Why don't you love me?

Tell me, baby, why don't you love me

When I make me so damn easy to love?

And why don't you need me?

Tell me, baby, why don't you need me

When I make me so damn easy to need?

I got beauty, I got class

I got style, and I got ass

And you don't even care to care

Looka here

I even put money in the bank account

Don't have to ask no one to help me out

You don't even notice that

Why don't you love me?

Tell me, baby, why don't you love me

When I make me so damn easy to love?

Why don't you need me?

Tell me, baby, why don't you need me

When I make me so damn easy to need?

I got beauty, I got heart

Keep my head in them books, I'm sharp

But you don't care to know I'm smart

Now, now now now now now now

I got moves in your bedroom

Keep you happy with the nasty things I do

But you don't seem to be in tune

Ooh.....

Why don't you love me?

Tell me, baby, why don't you love me

When I make me so damn easy to love?

Why don't you need me?

Tell me, baby, why don't you need me

When I make me so damn easy to need?

There's nothing not to love about me

No, no, there's nothing not to love about me

I'm lovely

There's nothing not to need about me

No, no, there's nothing not to need about me

Maybe you're just not the one

Or maybe you're just plain....... DUMB