Merry Christmas to all...

Is it bad that I'm over it? All of it. 2009: So Over It, might just be my New Years mindset. It has been a crazy roller coaster of a year and I am ready to get off and try a different ride. I didn't realize how much I liked Orlando until I came home and started missing my life and independence. I miss the ability to go where I please with whoever I want without having to suffer through the 5th degree and without feeling like I'm abandoning my brother or my friends here. I just want my life back. I'm done here.

What Is This Feeling So Sudden And New? I Felt The Moment I Laid Eyes On You...

Bad news I am an idiot. Good news I am going to be OK. Well, I made it through finals. 2 A's and a B for the semester. Not too shabby considering that I put forth a terrible effort. I got into a med school, it might be Caribbean, but it's at least a back up plan I can live with. I'm happy with that part of my life for the moment.

Now, let's move on to more personal matters. My ex is in jail. Turns out that is most likely why I stopped hearing from him. I found this out right before I texted him last Thursday. I felt bad for him, but I was sooooo happy I got out before all of this. I am way too young for this shit in my life. I can only give so much as a boyfriend and that was far beyond anything I could handle. My last thought Thursday or first though Friday morning was "I'm over it. I'm done." This came after a week of torturing my mind, 4 walls and awful attempts at studying. So I did the sensible thing, I went out Friday and Saturday nights, yes I had finals Monday. Oh well. Had a blast with great friends. Much needed break from reality. Let's fast forward to Monday after my exams. I am napping in bed when my phone rings. I answer the random number and it's my ex's mother. She had called to tell me how much he missed me and asked if I would write and possibly visit him. REALLY?!? Really? I am going to guess she doesn't know we broke up, hell she didn't even realize I live in Orlando not Ft. Lauderdale. The next day I wake up realizing that today is the ex's day for visitors. The day after his mother called me. I tossed it around in my head. Should I? Shouldn't I? Well, here is where the idiot in me decided to show up. I got into my car and started driving. I drove to Ft. Lauderdale to go see him. Now best part of my trip, beside the fact that I was constantly questioning myself the entire ride. I get to the jail only to be told that he has already had a visitor that day and that I should try again next week. Oh, and I should get there earlier... Well, that ride back was the most miserable time of my life. It prompted me to go out Tuesday night, which was also fun.

Now to the subject of this post. I have a crush. He is seeing someone and questioning whether or not he's gay. PERFECT! I am a mess. Crazier part about this is that he reminds me of another guy I had a crush on up at school. It's crazy. Every time I look into his face I see this other guy. They are similarly awkward, but the one up at school knew he was gay and was actually kind of scared of girls (lol). It's weird. I can see all the red flags and I still can't help myself. Oh not to mention he has terrible friends. He seems to have one decent one, but the rest are just awful. Unfortunately he is linked to one friend via money (this one is actually the worst of them all. $50,000 in plastic surgery and it's awful). Well, that's it for the night. Need some sleep.

Bulletproof

So instead of studying like I should have I went out with friends, heard this one before but somehow it really means something now...


LA ROUX 'BULLETPROOF'

And I Want To Be Known For My Hits, Not Just My Misses

I took a shot and didn't even come close...

I hate this part. The tables have been turned. Am I letting this happen because this is really what is best or is this pride and control? Another one I have had to cut off, who has cut me out. Defreinded, blocked, you name it it's been severed. Is this what comes with honesty? Would he rather I avoided the truth and lead him on to something I knew was never going to happen? I even tried to be nice about it, I said that I needed the space, that I couldn't handle being friends just yet. I got "FUCK U" in return.
Let's be honest a moment, I knew that we were over, I had the balls to tell him so, I am not the one who asked the other person to hold out and wait for everything in their life to clear up and then they would be able to give like a good boyfriend should, like what I deserved in the first place. I was not the one to say I LOVE YOU! I was not the one to push the other person to say it back. AND the biggest offense of them all, I was not the one who said "You don't know what love is. You're just a kid." I am the one who realized however that no matter what he was going through that I would never be viewed as an equal. I would be "the kid", the one under his control. Thus, for my own sake, I ended it.

The worst part, since we broke up he keeps popping into my head. Since I told him we're no longer a couple I find little reminders everywhere. A song, an action, a saying, any other guy i talk to... I messed around with Jax guy aka the guy who I got into the huge fight with. Anyways in the time since that we made up and have actually become friends again. Sadly, I'm finding that his intentions seem to go beyond friendship. I don't think he wants to date, well at least he tells (read lies to) me and says he knows we're not gonna be together. Yet I spent the weekend with him thinking it was just going to be fun and he would stay at his girlfriend's house down the street. Not so much, even while we were messing around (may i add mostly just kissing) I found myself rationalizing it. Not like I wanted it, but since it was there and I'm lonely I'll take it. I haven't told him this because, well because it's not easy to tell someone after the fact you were using them and you were fully conscious of it. I mean, I'm sure we were using each other to a certain degree, but I feel disgusted at myself for just allowing it to happen. I knew immediately that it's not what I really wanted, but it's really hard to say the to someone in your bedroom at 1am. At least we didn't actually sleep together, although I think that's what he's after. I think it's one of those things he just wants to get out of his system. The thing is that its not something I want in my system... He has been a great councilor, but a part of me wonders if he's attempting to sequester me for himself. Luckily he's not gonna be around for a while, no one is. This weekend will be studying for my two finals on Monday. Let this semester just end already. I feel like I have gone full circle, just to find myself ready to start falling again.
To not be so dreary, I did have an interview with American University of Antigua for medical school and was introduced to Girls Aloud this past week. I'm just trying to pick myself up and stop thinking about him. It was a quick relationship, but God did it hit me hard. I got that spark, that magic, that intangible "something" only to have it slowly and painfully burn out just when it came. I fell, I fell so hard he missed it and just let me keep falling. Well, eventually that bottomless pit has to come to an end. Right?
OH... In other news, came out to my Mom on Thanksgiving Day. Less of an ordeal than I realized it would be. Not too much of a shocker apparently or whatever... I mean, she had been hinting at it for a while and finally she just dragged it out of me, I confirmed that I was dating someone at the time who happened to be a man. Kill me now. I'll let he tell my dad, they apparently discussed it anyways before, so they can discuss it after. If he has any questions for me he can bring them up, I would just like to take this moment ot say that my brother never had to sit them down and say "I'm straight" so why should I have to tall them my own status. YAY double standards! Anything else? Anything? I guess that's good for the moment. Enjoy the video below, couldn't find it anywhere to embed, so the link is below.

Sorry to any readers if this post seems a bit scatterbrained. As i was writing I went back and forth over things which brought up new ideas, which brought up other issues. At some point there was a slight edit, but I jsut don't have the patience to reorder everything so it makes sense. It is what it is. It is me and my thoughts, trapped in my room, trying to study. I feel like that is never a pretty scene anyways,  so why should the writing be?

Lyrics at the end as usual... I almost cried when this started playing a few minutes ago as I was typing this entry. I don't know how to feel about it all right now and music just let's me know at least there's something to feel.

I can’t believe what you said to me
Last night when we were alone
You threw your hands up
Baby you gave up, you gave up

I can’t believe how you looked at me
With your James Dean glossy eyes
In your tight jeans with your long hair
And your cigarette stained lies

Could we fix you if you broke?
And is your punch line just a joke?

I’ll never talk again
Oh boy you’ve left me speechless
You’ve left me speechless, so speechless

And I'll never love again
Oh boy you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless.

I can’t believe how you slurred at me
With your half wired broken jaw
You popped my heart seams
On my bubble dreams, bubble dreams

I can’t believe how you looked at me
With your Johnnie Walker eyes
He’s gonna get you and after he’s through
There’s gonna be no love left to rye

And I know that it’s complicated
But I’m a loser in love, so baby
Raise a glass to mend
All the broken hearts
Of all my wrecked up friends

I’ll never talk again
Oh boy you’ve left me speechless
You’ve left me speechless so speechless

I’ll never love again,
Oh friend you’ve left me speechless
You’ve left me speechless, so speechless

Hooow?
Haaaa-oooo-ow-ow?
Haaaa-ahah-ah-ooow?

Hooow?
Haaaa-oooo-ow-ow?
Haaaa-ahah-ah-ooow?

And after all the drinks and bars that we’ve been to
Would you give it all up?
Could I give it all up for you?

And after all the boys and the girls that we’ve been through
Would you give it all up?
Could you give it all up?
If I promised, boy, to you

That I’ll never talk again
And I’ll never love again

I’ll never write a song
Won’t even sing along
I’ll never love again

So speechless, hey hey.
You left me speechless, so speechless aye aye
You ever talk again, oh boy why you so speechless?
You left me speechless, so speechless

Some men may follow me
But you choose “death and company”
Why you so speechless? Oh, oh

Girls Aloud-Call The Shots

That boy is a monster ...

Another one bites the dust.... Sadly my friend Rich completely called it. Even worse is that I was in a toxic relationship and could very easily have just settled for it. I abandoned everything for him. I fell hard for someone at what appears like the worst time for us both. I trusted him and he pushed it, then he pulled the reins on it all. How do you tell someone you love them, then completely discount they're feeling when they say it back? Well, that was the beginning of the end. I need someone who sees me as an equal, not a child they can manipulate into staying with them. The worst part is that I know he is going through a rough time in his life and he never gave me the credit for realizing it. So, now I am stuck alone again in this terrible little town full of gossip queens and bullshit. I have enought to keep me busy for a while, but I need to figure out a way to either a) get him to come to terms with the fact we're broken up b) ignore all his attempts to contact me c) just act like him and pretend like nothing happened and we're automatically friends again. Well right now I'm going with ignoring him. I tried to be nice and have simply gotten a childish response. Well, I leave tis post with basically what this relationship was-

Look at him
Look at me
That boy is bad
And honestly
He’s a wolf in disguise
But I can’t stop staring in those evil eyes

I asked my girlfriend if she’d seen you round before
She mumbled something while we got down on the floor baby
We might’ve fucked not really sure, don’t quite recall
But something tells me that I’ve seen him, yeah