When We Don't Know Who To Hate, We Hate Ourselves

I don't know how I feel about things. Everything...

I feel oddly alone, yet I know there are people there for me. This is no slight to them. I love them, truly love them. The deepest kind of love. The kind of love that we hope to find in our girlfriends or boyfriends, but never will. Oddly, I have found lately there to be an overabundance of this kind of love in my life. It is great. It is wonderful. It is something rare for the rest of the world apparently, but I have an abundance of it in my life.
The grass is truly greener on the other side, so it seems. I get to look at myself in the mirror and not have to confront some of the demons my friends have had to deal with. I am not saying that the demons aren't there, but mine remain trapped in my head. My imagination is my greatest demon. The thoughts that run through my head scare me and intrigue me all at the same time. They are such a mish mash of the acceptable and unacceptable. Even the socially acceptable thoughts seem unacceptable to me.
All of this brings me to where I am now. I have no idea what I want and it seems like I am too scared to go out and find it.

Just a thoughts of the moment. I don't even know if that was coherent...

Confused...

Since my last post life has been a roller coaster. There was finals, not sleeping, drama and finally break. The nice thing is that even though I practically stopped sleeping during finals I pulled off my best grades ever and I have a set of wings (yes, wings). The drama during that time was the worst. Why is it that friends seem to find the worst times to visit and then create a scene. The same girl who ripped my heart out had quite the little surprise from her boyfriend's mistress and I ended up in the middle of it all. Long story short she is settling for him. Does anyone else see a problem there? She is knowledgeably settling. She admits that it is not the best choice, in fact that it's the wrong choice. Unfortunately at this point I can't step in and be the knight in shining armor. She came down to see me during break for a week. We talked every day about this and that and us. We came to the realization that us getting together at this point would not work, too much history. It may sound like a cop out, but underneath it I have realized it is true. At this point if we had hooked up while she was here I would have been another guy she cheated on a boyfriend with and well I am not sure what I would have felt. I have wanted to be with her for a while and not just physically. The problem is that I don't want to be one of many. I want to be the one and only. Is that to much to ask? I know I could have played on her history of cheating, but she is trying to change just like the idiot she is still with is trying to change. So, now I get to watch and pick up the pieces once again. I'll be gone soon enough. 10 weeks and I am done with that place forever. I get to start over somewhere new and try to become someone else. I failed in college to change myself enough like I wanted to, but I have grown. This final shit show has also, at the very least, given me a good honest friend. She says she loves me and I can honestly say I know that is true. We are beyond all the bullshit of getting to know each other. We have basically cut through all the crap, the games, the secrets and now we can see each other for who we are. She is the habitual cheater attempting to reform and I am the confused guy who is way too nice for his own good.

Stemming from our discussions, I have realized that I am too good for my own good. My friends don't feel comfortable being honest with me, because they feel I am a saint amongst sinners. I don't judge, I never have. I have a brother that did it all. I am actually sometime jealous of those that can turn off their mind and not think about the future and consequences. I have a habit of living vicariously through others. I need people to need me, in any way. It hurts when they don't see me as anything beyond that friend they confide in. For some reason most of the girls I get close with end up breaking down and confessing everything to me. I am the keeper of their secrets and fears and failures. The rest of the world can see all the good stuff, but anything deeper than that ends up on my shoulders. This is the person I want to change. The guy who is different- an outsider amongst men (that was fun to hear). She told me that basically all of my friends are waiting for me to just come on out of the closet. It hurt a little bit to know that everyone I considered my friends simply talked behind my back about me. Because I don't just drink and lift weights there is apparently something wrong with me. A sensitive guy just can not be straight in the world I live in. She tried to tell me I am not straight, but I have never done anything with anyone except women. I have not even kissed another guy. I want kids and a wife, but I like checking out guys too. FUCK! How can I know for sure what I want if I refuse to try anything beyond the norm. I haven't even tried that much inside the norm. I think what hurts the most is that I was so oblivious to what people thought of me. I thought I had at least convinced people I was straight. Maybe quiet, reserved or lame, but straight. The best part of all of this is that their judgments are based on assumptions and stereotypes, not at all on my external behavior. They assume that a guy who is sensitive and has girls for friends and sings and makes art and does not drink every night must be gay. Interesting... How about the fact that I play football, I can lift more than any of them, yet none of that matters. I can fill any of the stereotypical male roles, but they will all look at me through the little slats from the other side of the closet. Seeing just what they want to and never the whole person behind it.
I have been reading an amazing book lately, Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk (same guy who wrote Fight Club and Choke). It is so amazing. The insights on love and such are just so brutally honest and real that I will grace you with some choice excerpts to end this post. It is one weird odd beacon of truth in my life. I can only hope to come to the deep dark truth and be as honest as the main character...

"The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person."

"Another thing is no matter how much you think you love somebody, you'll step back when the pool of their blood edges up too close."

"When you don't share your problems, you resent hearing the problems of other people."

"Rip yourself open. Sew yourself shut."

"And this is what I kept telling myself was love."

"It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't love."

"The only reason why we ask other people how their weekend was is so we can tell them about our own weekend."

"The most boring thing in the entire world is nudity. The second most boring thing is honesty."

"The best way is not to fight it, just go. Don't be trying all the time to fix things. What you run from only stays with you longer. When you fight something, you only make it stronger."

"Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known."

"When we don’t know who to hate we hate ourselves."

One last thing... I finally understand Panic at the Disco's "Time to Dance". It is apparently based on this book and I was sooooo obsessed with it before I knew this little fact.

Well, she's not bleeding on the ballroom floor
Just for the attention.
Cause that's just ridiculously on.
Well, she sure is gonna get it
Here's the setting
Fashion magazines line the walls now
The walls line the bullet holes

Have some composure
Where is your posture?
Oh, no, no
You're pulling the trigger
Pulling the trigger
All wrong
[x2]

Give me envy, give me malice, give me a-a-attention
Give me envy, give me malice, baby, give me a break!
When I say "Shotgun", you say "Wedding"
"Shotgun", "Wedding", "Shotgun", "Wedding"

She didn't choose this role
But she'll play it and make it sincere
So you cry, you cry
(Give me a break)
But they believe it from the tears
And the teeth right down to the blood
At her feet
Boys will be boys
Hiding in estrogen and wearing Aubergine dreams
(Give me a break)

Have some composure
Where is your posture?
Oh, no, no
You're pulling the trigger
Pulling the trigger
All wrong
[x2]

Come on this is screaming "Photo op." op...
Come on
Come on
This is screaming
This is screaming
This is screaming "Photo op."

Boys will be boys, baby
Boys will be boys
Boys will be boys, baby
Boys will be boys

Give me envy, give me malice, give me a-a-attention
Give me envy, give me malice, baby, give me a break!
When I say "Shotgun", you say "Wedding"
"Shotgun", "Wedding", "Shotgun", "Wedding"

Boys will be boys
Hiding in estrogen and boys will be boys
Boys will be boys
Hiding in estrogen and wearing Aubergine dreams

Apparently Panic at the Disco and I both share a love for Chuck Palahniuk's work. His work is so universal that it should come as no shock that others love it as well.

I know this is a long one, but I needed to get this down while the feelings are still there. To get some of the emotion while I was still feeling/thinking through it. Maybe more to come real soon.