Is It SO Wrong?

Today in my photo class a girl presented this picture of a guy with an amazing body (picture Abercrombie model) measuring his waist with a tape measure, trying to make it as small as possible. You could see the tape biting into his skin. The photos were about a friend who had battled with anorexia, but the first thing everyone noticed was the body. It's times like this I wonder how unfortunate it would be to become eating disordered. Do the ends justify the means? I just found it very bizarre to see this contrast presented in such a subtle way and even more bizarre at how most people simply couldn't see the depth.
The scary thing about male eating disorders is how little is known about them. I feel like the public has pretty much buried the issue since men aren't supposed to have these types of problems. Unfortunately all of us are stuck in a culture that worships being thin, while the majority of us are simply not.
I think I caught what it was about very quickly because I looked at them at first as simply eye candy. Like taking a picture of something geometric, patterned or textured. I felt like it's easy to make someone who looks like that look good- boring. I don't know whether it's because of the class or because of how the person looked, but my first reaction to the picture was disdain.

After that I feel shallow and disgusted with myself for letting thoughts like this creep into my head. My first thought was I'm definitely going to the gym today. I had already planned to, but this just brought that to the forefront. This is what happens when you become a histrionic exhibitionist. I better be careful, I think my insecurities are showing and they can't simply be tucked away or cut off like a tag on a shirt.
Sadly, at the moment I feel trapped. I'm not thin enough to be "beautiful" and I'm not fat enough to be considered a hopeless/lost cause. I feel like this place in between is where many of us find ourselves. We go to the gym to feel like we are working towards this goal of what our culture calls the ideal.

Next time you look in the mirror, tell me what you see. Is it good? Bad? Ugly? Is it the person you want to see? Expect to see?

Is it you?`

It's Been A While... You Won't Be Disappointed

I have been meaning to write for a bit, but life has been stressful, busy and drunk. Last blog I talked about coming out. One of my friends said he thinks I hold the record. I cam out right at the beginning of PRIDE week here at school just completely let loose. The best part about this whole experience is that I have allowed myself to be more free in general. If people can get over me liking men, than they can get over a lot of other things as well, plus it's really fun to just kind of freak people out. It's interesting to me when stereotypes are played with. They are now a tool for my own personal use and a weapon to shatter the normativity of many people's perspective on the world. One of my friends asked me the other day if I was over-stereotyped or under-stereotyped because I don't quite fit into any of them. I am a large Jewish, artistic, queer, steaky, singing football player. It's kind of like trying to tell people what color a chameleon is. It's actually amazing to be in this position because I have so many facets of myself to express and play around with and finally I don't hate any part of it. SO coming out has been a great experience at school. Still haven't told the folks at home, but we'll see how I feel once I get back there and have to live my life there again.

The boyfriend, or should I say ex. I broke up with him and it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I realized at one point that I was suddenly in a relationship I was not ready for. I am still figuring out who I am and bringing another person into that journey is just unfair. I found myself resenting him and the relationship because I couldn't mentally commit to it and hating myself even more for not being able to be stronger. The only thing harder than the break up was the ensuing game of cat and mouse that came after. It got to the point where I felt like at any moment my ex was going to be sitting on the fire escape outside my room with a knife. We finally sat down again and really talked. It has finally gotten to the point where i think we can actually be friends and I won't feel like I am playing in to his hopes of us getting back together.

It has been a long strange journey and I find myself just at the beginning of it all. I graduate college in 3 weeks. 3 weeks and my life is violently uprooted again and starts anew somewhere else. We'll see how it goes. It is an interesting experience to know you aren't really going to see most of the people around you ever again. I have 3 weeks to crash and burn or succeed greatly as far as relationships go. There is no fear and I kind of like it that way...

Coming Out...

This blog has seen me come out over time to myself, but now it's coming to the point where I may be getting ready to come out to the rest of the world as well. I have a boyfriend who loves me and things couldn't be better, except that our love is kept secret by my fear of how other people will react. It's not that I think that people will try to lynch me, let's be honest I am bigger than most. My fear is not so much of the big fatalistic reactions that do occur when I think about the worst case, but the smaller changes in my friends. There is a part of me that feels like coming out would change things between some of my best friends here. It's not like telling people you like chocolate ice cream over vanilla, as much as we wish it could be. Sexual preference/orientation/whatever PC term just came up is unfortunately a label that spreads beyond the boundaries that it should. I like men and women... What is the big deal? I may start testing it out on my friends. There are 3 people I have told and there are a handful of gay guys who have caught on to my relationship and thus know about me. It's going to be an interesting ride, we'll see where it takes me. I'll fill in how it goes.

Oh, one last thing, I need to work on my drinking habits. Since we're putting things out there. I just have a tendency to get way too drunk, way too quickly and it usually doesn't end pretty. I am working on it at the moment, I am being berated by several people simultaneously about it, so we shall see how it goes. Plan of action- restrict number of drinks consumed in a night (7-8 instead of 12+) and avoid shots at all costs. Success begets success, so next post should be about

Happiness Is An Odd Sensation, Revenge Is Almost As Sweet As They Say...

I have finally found someone to fill the void that love leaves in many of us at one point or another. I now have a boyfriend. He is amazing. We can sit around and just look at each other for hours at a time. Everything is great. I have found a man who makes me happy. I took a chance on love and won this time around. God, I'm in love. I am kind of new to it all and I love him, but there are some cute guys in the world. I have to promise myself that I won't become at whore and break the heart of someone I actually love for the sake of experimenting with my sexuality. I know I'm kind of late to the game, but he makes me happy and I can't screw this one up. I'm so selfish sometimes.
And then there is the girl. The former bane of my love and attention. I found myself listening to a song recently that describes how I feel about her (it's at the bottom of the post, don't worry). I had dinner with her the other night when she figured it all out. The hickeys on my neck were kind of a give away and she knows me too well for me to lie to her about it. I saw a piece of her die a bit. The fact that I was no longer waiting for her, dependent upon her, it killed her to see me happy. She knows she made a bad decision and it is finally sinking in that I am not going to just sit around and be hers. She tried to tell me she was happy and if you read a transcript of the conversation it would be very convincing. She said all the right things in the least convincing way I have ever heard. There was a moment where I felt sorry for her and then I started relishing in it. I was the happy one. I don't think she has been consistently happy with any of her relationships in a long time, but her emotional adulterer now had a relationship of his own. The affair has ended and she is now left with the reality of her retarded boyfriend. Does it make me a bad person to enjoy seeing her regret breaking my heart?

The All-American Reject- Gives You Hell

I wake up every evening
With a big smile on my face
And it never feels out of place
And you're still probably working
At a nine to five pace
I wonder how bad that tastes

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell

Now where's your picket fence love
And where's that shiny car
And did it ever get you far
You never seemed so tense love
I've never seen you fall so hard
Do you know where you are

And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool you're just as well
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell

Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself
Where did it all go wrong?
But the list goes on and on

And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well
Hope it gives you hell

Now you'll never see
What you've done to me
You can take back your memories
They're no good to me
And here's all your lies
You can't look me in the eyes
With the sad, sad look
That you wear so well

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool you're just as well
Hope it gives you hell

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you hear this song and you sing along but you never tell
Then you're the fool, I'm just as well
Hope it gives you hell

When you hear this song
I hope that it will give you hell

You can sing along
I hope that it puts you through hell

Relief...

Well, it turns out the guy from the previous post has become my very good friend. I came out to him, told him I like men and women. I think he had an idea with the things we had been talking about lately, but he didn't want to pressure me. It kind of was jerked out last night by one of the interns when we were sitting around, but I told him later about everything. He sat there and tried to give me advice and make me feel better and encouraged me to be who I am. In his eyes your happiness is worth way more than what someone is going to say or think. It was just nice to finally talk to someone face to face about all of this. We stayed up all night talking. Then I slept over in his bed and we just kind of spooned for a few hours. It was already mid-morning by the time we went to sleep. It was amazing. I felt like the world need not go further than him. At that moment he was all I needed and I wrapped my arms around him pretty tightly. It was glorious. Just wanted to write that before things get too ridiculous over the next few days. I'm so screwed for classes...

Use Caution When Retrieving Your Personal Belongings, As Contents Do Shift During Flight

What happens when the tide turns and your standing still? It has finally happened. The girl, the best and worst thing in my life at the moment, has finally begun to lose her hold on me. It took her being here for it to happen, but it has. I have found a crack in the armor. Her power is completely dependent upon my availability. It is freeing to know that I have made it through a fight and didn't have to give in. Usually I am the one that concedes or whatever just to smooth it all over. I hate conflict and I hate to see people suffer even more. This time, it was nice to know that I could get to her though. I have come to realize that this I am not a puppet on the strings of her twisted plot. It felt like that on and off at times, a hard pill to swallow knowingly. The second I brought up another girl though, I felt all of the strings break for good. There is a vulnerability, a weakness. If I wasn't as nice of a guy as I am (not a self call when everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE, describes me as "a nice guy"), I would exploit it and make her so bitterly jealous she couldn't stand it. Unfortunately I am too nice, don't think I could look at myself in the mirror after going through the lengths needed for that to occur. Besides, I am too busy at the moment. Sculpture is definitely going to be a hassle, but a fun creative hassle.

On another note, I have made a new friend. He is a great guy. He's real down to earth and super cute. He's a head shorter than I am (making him around 5' 8"-5'10"), he has amazing blue eyes, he's thin and in shape and he kind of reminds me of an elf, but in a good way. He is bi, and at the moment he thinks I am straight. Although, I'm sure he has his doubts considering the things we talk about. I have spent two nights this week just hanging out with him and watching movies until morning. I am so happy I expanded my circle of friends. He is one of the first real life guys that I have actually been attracted to and know.

Feels good to write a positive note for once. If anyone happens to be reading feel free to comment, any feedback is always appreciated on any of the posts.

To a certain special someone, you aren't obligated because I will talk to you outside of this anyways.

Song lyrics for the post-
"And isn't this exactly where you'd like me
I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know
Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety"
- Panic at the Disco, But It's Better If You Do

Fatal Flaw

I have been meaning to write this one for a few days, but I had the previous post started and needed to get it done before it became irrelevant and outdated. Now I can begin.

Is honesty always the best policy? What if the person you love won't love all of you? I was told the other day that I have on fatal flaw and that it is the most fatal of all. I could be a cheater, an idiot, an alcoholic and probably even abusive and she would gladly be with me, but the second you tell someone that you check out guys too it's all over. She can't deal with it, "Sorry darling, but you're not straight." That is the worst feeling ever. She is the first girl I have ever told about this whole side of me that is pretty much hidden from the world. I told the girl I am currently head over heels for that I also have fantasized about men and she rejected me. "I love you either way, you know that, but I can't date you until you are straight." It's like a dagger through my heart that she doesn't get it. When I am with her I don't need anyone else. She is absolutely drop dead gorgeous and that's just on the outside. She has everything I want in a woman. She is smart, funny, sarcastic, a little mean, interesting and it all covers up this wonderfully fragile person beneath it all. I have seen deep down what makes her who she is and I can't get enough. She has seen my true colors and now can't ever deal with it.
For those who have been reading, yes this is the same girl from December. The more I get to know her, the more I want to be with her. She is truly amazing, but unfortunately she's not understanding enough to deal with a guy who doesn't fall under the strict label of "straight". The worst part is dealing with my other friends who have no idea what is keeping us apart. I can't tell them she doesn't like me because I also think about men sometimes. None of them know this side of who i am. They simply know me as the caring sensitive one who just plays the emotional crutch. They think its another one of those situations, but they don't realize her feelings for me. She told me, "the second you are straight I can date you. Figure it out, otherwise in 5years I'm going to have to move on." I have my ultimatum. I asked her what she wants me to do. How am I supposed to figure this one out? Is it as easy as simply having sex with a man and seeing how it compares or which I prefer? What happens if I try it, don't like it and then have to keep that secret for the rest of my life? It becomes a living skeleton in my closet, one that I have to deal with simply because I had to find out. Selfish me had to see whether or not I could actually go through with the things that go on inside my head, test the fantasy with reality. She wouldn't be able to look at me the same way.
That's my bitching rant for the day. Just needed to get that one down. Being somewhere in between gay and straight is so much more difficult than being one or the other. At least the label gives you something to cling to and identify with. Anyone in the middle is just caught between two sides, both saying it's just a phase and that you will eventually end up on one side of the spectrum or the other. People don't deal well with uncertainty and fitting into the pattern just becomes so much easier than dealing with the questions.
My biggest fear is that if I were honest with whole world I would be treated like a leper amongst those I considered my friends. They're all waiting for it, but confirmation would be a bit too much for them to handle. It all comes down to the difference between thinking and knowing. If you think someone is something, there is always the possibility that it's not true, despite the evidence in front of you. Once you know something, there is no question, no intrigue, no mystery left to solve- "The most boring thing in the entire world is nudity. The second most boring thing is honesty."- Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters.

"Fatal Flaw" by South Jordan

They told me be careful
They said be weary of you
They warn persistence is the fatal flaw

I find myself waiting
Find myself hoping that you'll
One day fall into my open arms

But it's OK, you can just call me friend
Even though I mind I'll just take the backseat again
In the end I'm here
In the end just sit and stare
The season change not making way
As I'm just waiting waiting waiting for you

But I've been here a time or two
Like trying to fight the dying breath
Why is every step I take so damn hard

I've got some battle wounds from this
I've got the sinking feeling in my skin
I'm getting tired of the night
Just waiting for the light

But it's OK, you can just call me friend
Even though I mind I'll just take the backseat again
In the end I'm here
In the end just sit and stare
The season change not making way
As I'm just waiting waiting waiting for you

But it's OK, you can just call me friend
Even though I mind I'll just take the backseat again
In the end I'm here
In the end just sit and stare
The season change not making way
As I'm just waiting waiting waiting for you

They said be weary of you
They warn persistence is the fatal flaw

Busy

School has just started up again and I feel like I am running a million miles an hour. Just getting everything settled and classes has made life so busy. Taking photo and sculpture is probably not the best best idea. I already feel like I am behind in sculpture. I have so much shit to do this weekend and its only been a week.
Of course like a dope I went out last night, and so here I am sitting and procrastinating. I have 3 sculpture ideas due by Tuesday, which doesn't sound hard but is deceptively brutal. I have to have 3 ideas coming along in progress and then pick one to actually finish, thus I need to start 3 sculptures to abandon two of them. That is not my process at all and it is going to be an interesting first try.

When We Don't Know Who To Hate, We Hate Ourselves

I don't know how I feel about things. Everything...

I feel oddly alone, yet I know there are people there for me. This is no slight to them. I love them, truly love them. The deepest kind of love. The kind of love that we hope to find in our girlfriends or boyfriends, but never will. Oddly, I have found lately there to be an overabundance of this kind of love in my life. It is great. It is wonderful. It is something rare for the rest of the world apparently, but I have an abundance of it in my life.
The grass is truly greener on the other side, so it seems. I get to look at myself in the mirror and not have to confront some of the demons my friends have had to deal with. I am not saying that the demons aren't there, but mine remain trapped in my head. My imagination is my greatest demon. The thoughts that run through my head scare me and intrigue me all at the same time. They are such a mish mash of the acceptable and unacceptable. Even the socially acceptable thoughts seem unacceptable to me.
All of this brings me to where I am now. I have no idea what I want and it seems like I am too scared to go out and find it.

Just a thoughts of the moment. I don't even know if that was coherent...

Confused...

Since my last post life has been a roller coaster. There was finals, not sleeping, drama and finally break. The nice thing is that even though I practically stopped sleeping during finals I pulled off my best grades ever and I have a set of wings (yes, wings). The drama during that time was the worst. Why is it that friends seem to find the worst times to visit and then create a scene. The same girl who ripped my heart out had quite the little surprise from her boyfriend's mistress and I ended up in the middle of it all. Long story short she is settling for him. Does anyone else see a problem there? She is knowledgeably settling. She admits that it is not the best choice, in fact that it's the wrong choice. Unfortunately at this point I can't step in and be the knight in shining armor. She came down to see me during break for a week. We talked every day about this and that and us. We came to the realization that us getting together at this point would not work, too much history. It may sound like a cop out, but underneath it I have realized it is true. At this point if we had hooked up while she was here I would have been another guy she cheated on a boyfriend with and well I am not sure what I would have felt. I have wanted to be with her for a while and not just physically. The problem is that I don't want to be one of many. I want to be the one and only. Is that to much to ask? I know I could have played on her history of cheating, but she is trying to change just like the idiot she is still with is trying to change. So, now I get to watch and pick up the pieces once again. I'll be gone soon enough. 10 weeks and I am done with that place forever. I get to start over somewhere new and try to become someone else. I failed in college to change myself enough like I wanted to, but I have grown. This final shit show has also, at the very least, given me a good honest friend. She says she loves me and I can honestly say I know that is true. We are beyond all the bullshit of getting to know each other. We have basically cut through all the crap, the games, the secrets and now we can see each other for who we are. She is the habitual cheater attempting to reform and I am the confused guy who is way too nice for his own good.

Stemming from our discussions, I have realized that I am too good for my own good. My friends don't feel comfortable being honest with me, because they feel I am a saint amongst sinners. I don't judge, I never have. I have a brother that did it all. I am actually sometime jealous of those that can turn off their mind and not think about the future and consequences. I have a habit of living vicariously through others. I need people to need me, in any way. It hurts when they don't see me as anything beyond that friend they confide in. For some reason most of the girls I get close with end up breaking down and confessing everything to me. I am the keeper of their secrets and fears and failures. The rest of the world can see all the good stuff, but anything deeper than that ends up on my shoulders. This is the person I want to change. The guy who is different- an outsider amongst men (that was fun to hear). She told me that basically all of my friends are waiting for me to just come on out of the closet. It hurt a little bit to know that everyone I considered my friends simply talked behind my back about me. Because I don't just drink and lift weights there is apparently something wrong with me. A sensitive guy just can not be straight in the world I live in. She tried to tell me I am not straight, but I have never done anything with anyone except women. I have not even kissed another guy. I want kids and a wife, but I like checking out guys too. FUCK! How can I know for sure what I want if I refuse to try anything beyond the norm. I haven't even tried that much inside the norm. I think what hurts the most is that I was so oblivious to what people thought of me. I thought I had at least convinced people I was straight. Maybe quiet, reserved or lame, but straight. The best part of all of this is that their judgments are based on assumptions and stereotypes, not at all on my external behavior. They assume that a guy who is sensitive and has girls for friends and sings and makes art and does not drink every night must be gay. Interesting... How about the fact that I play football, I can lift more than any of them, yet none of that matters. I can fill any of the stereotypical male roles, but they will all look at me through the little slats from the other side of the closet. Seeing just what they want to and never the whole person behind it.
I have been reading an amazing book lately, Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk (same guy who wrote Fight Club and Choke). It is so amazing. The insights on love and such are just so brutally honest and real that I will grace you with some choice excerpts to end this post. It is one weird odd beacon of truth in my life. I can only hope to come to the deep dark truth and be as honest as the main character...

"The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person."

"Another thing is no matter how much you think you love somebody, you'll step back when the pool of their blood edges up too close."

"When you don't share your problems, you resent hearing the problems of other people."

"Rip yourself open. Sew yourself shut."

"And this is what I kept telling myself was love."

"It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't love."

"The only reason why we ask other people how their weekend was is so we can tell them about our own weekend."

"The most boring thing in the entire world is nudity. The second most boring thing is honesty."

"The best way is not to fight it, just go. Don't be trying all the time to fix things. What you run from only stays with you longer. When you fight something, you only make it stronger."

"Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known."

"When we don’t know who to hate we hate ourselves."

One last thing... I finally understand Panic at the Disco's "Time to Dance". It is apparently based on this book and I was sooooo obsessed with it before I knew this little fact.

Well, she's not bleeding on the ballroom floor
Just for the attention.
Cause that's just ridiculously on.
Well, she sure is gonna get it
Here's the setting
Fashion magazines line the walls now
The walls line the bullet holes

Have some composure
Where is your posture?
Oh, no, no
You're pulling the trigger
Pulling the trigger
All wrong
[x2]

Give me envy, give me malice, give me a-a-attention
Give me envy, give me malice, baby, give me a break!
When I say "Shotgun", you say "Wedding"
"Shotgun", "Wedding", "Shotgun", "Wedding"

She didn't choose this role
But she'll play it and make it sincere
So you cry, you cry
(Give me a break)
But they believe it from the tears
And the teeth right down to the blood
At her feet
Boys will be boys
Hiding in estrogen and wearing Aubergine dreams
(Give me a break)

Have some composure
Where is your posture?
Oh, no, no
You're pulling the trigger
Pulling the trigger
All wrong
[x2]

Come on this is screaming "Photo op." op...
Come on
Come on
This is screaming
This is screaming
This is screaming "Photo op."

Boys will be boys, baby
Boys will be boys
Boys will be boys, baby
Boys will be boys

Give me envy, give me malice, give me a-a-attention
Give me envy, give me malice, baby, give me a break!
When I say "Shotgun", you say "Wedding"
"Shotgun", "Wedding", "Shotgun", "Wedding"

Boys will be boys
Hiding in estrogen and boys will be boys
Boys will be boys
Hiding in estrogen and wearing Aubergine dreams

Apparently Panic at the Disco and I both share a love for Chuck Palahniuk's work. His work is so universal that it should come as no shock that others love it as well.

I know this is a long one, but I needed to get this down while the feelings are still there. To get some of the emotion while I was still feeling/thinking through it. Maybe more to come real soon.

Nervous, Tired, A Little Tipsy

I haven't written in a while because I have honestly had nothing interesting to write and I have been busy. The good news- I finally got an interview from a medical school. I'm really scared about it. It is weird when your future depends on one interaction. I also talked to a kid who was deciding between Hopkins and Stanford (if you don't know those are like the two top schools in the country). I wanted so much to hate him, but he is actually a great guy and not too bad on the eyes either.
Apart from that, I met an amazing guy on the internet through blogging. It's almost scary how much we have in common. We have become amazing friends despite the distance between us. Talking to him has been so wonderful and extremely therapeutic. He is the first person I have ever been able to talk about a lot of issues that have been plaguing me lately. Meeting him has helped me so much to sort out my life and how I feel about people, relationships and sex. It is so freeing, so beautiful, like I could be myself for once. For the first time, I can be me. Not that guy who plays football. That guy who is in a frat. That guy the rest of the world knows and judges. I can be me, the guy who loves looking at men and women. The guy who just wants someone to cuddle with late at night, guy or girl. Luckily, I have found a friend that I can love and that loves me for who I am, unconditionally. It's amazing and I have been meaning to write about it.

He knows who he is... I love you.

On the Upswing

I actually feel accomplished for once. Not in school (that will never happen), but I did manage to get up this morning and actually go to the gym before class. This has been my big plan for the last 3 weeks, unfortunately every morning it is easier to turn off the alarm and get up a few hours later. We'll see if we can continue on this trend. I finished my sculpture today, finally. It only took 60-80 hours of my life over the last two weeks. Pics on the next post maybe? If I can figure out how to do it.
Well that's about it. I feel like I am kind of limited in my ability to rant due to my lack of sleep and general happiness. There are things I could write, but why spoil the mood for everyone?

Foggy

I just thought it had been a while since my last update and decided I may just need to get a few more things down on paper.

I feel so wasteful of my time. I try to get up in the morning and do something, yet it doesn't really happen. I know there is nothing wrong with it, but the rest of my day consists of me worrying about making it to the damn gym. I know I want to go, but my knee has been really discouraging me lately. I pushed a little too hard and BAM! I'm fucked for 5 days. I hate being injured, but I really hate no longer being a part of a team. Fuck! I just need to get back into a rhythm. I need to stop hating the treadmill/elliptical or whatever cardio piece I find myself on. Why does it have to be so cold outside? I just want my beach to walk on again.

At least I have a new hobby to keep me busy. Unfortunately all I keep thinking to myself is that I need to spend less time in the damn sculpture studio and more time in the gym. The problem is that the studio doesn't hurt my knee and frustrate me like the fucking gym. Between my knee and my back I feel completely useless most of the time. At this point I don't really dare play something, hell I almost take out my knee walking on the damn ice everyday.

Ok, well there is what has become my rant. I'm going to hit the hay. My head hurts and my eyes are closing while I'm writing this. If I get sick I will kill someone.

Fuck my life, it's too cold to snow.

Song of the Post: Killswitch Engage- The Arms Of Sorrow

Imprisoned inside this mind
Hiding behind the empty smiles
So simple (the anguish)
As it haunts me
Crawling back into the dark

Running, always running, into the distance
Stop me before I bleed, again
The echoes of my voice
Follow me down
The shadows I cast
Follow me down

Deeper I'm falling
Into the arms of sorrow
Blindly descending
Into the arms of sorrow

There must be serenity

The echoes of my voice
Follow me down
The shadows I cast
Follow me down

Deeper I'm falling
Into the arms of sorrow
Blindly descending
Into the arms of sorrow

The demon of my own design
This horror must not remain

Deeper I'm falling
Into the arms of sorrow
Blindly descending
Into the arms of sorrow

There must be serenity
There must be deliverance
Deeper I'm falling
Blindly descending

Sinking

For some reason I have been feeling like shit lately. Nothing is worth it. Nothing is satisfying. I packed up the last of my locker from football and as I was walking home it hit me that this was the end to a huge part of my life. I have spent 8 years playing and training for football. All I could think on the way home though was, "Here is 4 years of disappointment in a plastic garbage bag slung over one shoulder." I have loved football, but the program I ended up playing for and the end result was just not what I expected. I have watched so many statements become lies and this was the final straw. The camel fell long ago, but there is simply nothing else they can lie about anymore. The strings have all been cut and now I sit here a broken ex-athlete. The worst part is I didn't realize what was at the core of this bout of depression until my friend brought it up. I thought I had gotten over football when I tore my knee up. I guess this just made it all real. I also think that not working out is really getting to me. My knee has been really sore the last couple of days, so I guess its back to upper body lifts, walking, and maybe some elliptical. I just feel so useless. It's like when my back started bothering me, but at least this time I know what is wrong with me (physically anyways). I need to get over this. I am already behind in school and I can't even sit to read because the words just seems to blur together into a useless jumble. Some of it is actually interesting, but I am lacking the patience and motivation to enjoy, or even suffer through it.

I don't feel like doing anything. I missed a big frat event tonight, not realizing it was even happening. I showed up just in time for the end of it. TO see everyone drunk and enjoying themselves. Just in time to get booed by them all(just what I needed at the moment right?). I didn't really care, but I felt worse for simply skipping the whole thing. I knew I would feel like shit earlier if I missed it, but this was unintentional. I truly thought that they had rescheduled or something cause I was sitting around and there was absolutely NOTHING going on, so I left. Fuck! I just don't need any of this right now.

Add to this all the pressure of waiting for any medical school to even interview me and my utter failure to find someone. I just feel alone and agitated, that's on a good day. I just look around and wonder what the hell people are thinking when they become my friend only to ask, "Where are all the nice guys?" I am soooooo beyond tired hearing about the latest mistake followed by that line. Why can't I just be remorseless whore? Sometimes I feel like it would just be easier to just adopt that life- drink constantly to numb the pain and convince myself I am having a good time while I wake up next to whatever found me and dragged my lifeless body home. Unfortunately there is no magic switch, no miracle pill. It is from here that I can see why people get into drugs. They occasionally run through my mind as a fleeting desire and I just sit and wonder what would happen if I had the connections and/or energy to actually score. I smoked myself stupid for a while last term only to find my problems and disappointments still there, the only difference being that now I was waaaay behind in my work. Thank god it was an easy term, these next two are going to be quite a bit busier. Maybe that will keep my mind off of everything that is missing. Wow, I am attempting to replace comfort food and friends with comfort activities. Who needs people when you are so busy that you don't want to do anything?

"I understand, it seems
I'm the last to notice,
How anybody feels.
Is it really 'cause I feel
I'm the one that's owed it.
Am I wrong?
Am I wrong?"
-Sevendust

The tide has changed

In my last post I had just finished telling someone my deepest feelings for them and been rejected. 12 hours later I was fine. There was no more emotion left. I actually could laugh at what an idiot I was. It's weird, because I have not put myself out there in a while and I thought that this was going to be much harder than it is. Is something wrong with me? I can talk about it like I was reading a newspaper article on dog grooming- I sat there and practically listened to my heart crack into pieces. The next day I went for a walk and about half way through it I was smiling. I guess the quote from Elle Woods (yeah I know not the most hetero source, but fuck it) really does apply here, "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't." I was never going to harm anyone else, but I am not anyone else. I sat there on the beach and this was one of the first things that came to mind, endorphins. Wow, I am such a nerd.

I guess what I really wanted to do was just write this down, so that next time I have feelings for someone and rejection is staring me square in the face I can laugh and realize that I bounced right back last time.

I am still not sure if this is good or not. I am happy that I can put myself back together, don't get me wrong. Just, does this mean I don't feel any deeper emotion? Yeah, I felt it, but only for a second. It is like I was over it before it really ever began. Is this amazing comeback covering something deeper and darker below the smile? I don't think I can dig deep enough to find out today, but it is just something to keep in mind next time I want to do a little soul searching. Just dig down and make sure that beneath it all isn't simply nothingness. I like to think I make deep connections with people, yet somewhere in all of this I begin to question just how deep it really is. Still waters run deep, but my current seems a bit too quick to wash it all away.