Merry Christmas to all...

Is it bad that I'm over it? All of it. 2009: So Over It, might just be my New Years mindset. It has been a crazy roller coaster of a year and I am ready to get off and try a different ride. I didn't realize how much I liked Orlando until I came home and started missing my life and independence. I miss the ability to go where I please with whoever I want without having to suffer through the 5th degree and without feeling like I'm abandoning my brother or my friends here. I just want my life back. I'm done here.

What Is This Feeling So Sudden And New? I Felt The Moment I Laid Eyes On You...

Bad news I am an idiot. Good news I am going to be OK. Well, I made it through finals. 2 A's and a B for the semester. Not too shabby considering that I put forth a terrible effort. I got into a med school, it might be Caribbean, but it's at least a back up plan I can live with. I'm happy with that part of my life for the moment.

Now, let's move on to more personal matters. My ex is in jail. Turns out that is most likely why I stopped hearing from him. I found this out right before I texted him last Thursday. I felt bad for him, but I was sooooo happy I got out before all of this. I am way too young for this shit in my life. I can only give so much as a boyfriend and that was far beyond anything I could handle. My last thought Thursday or first though Friday morning was "I'm over it. I'm done." This came after a week of torturing my mind, 4 walls and awful attempts at studying. So I did the sensible thing, I went out Friday and Saturday nights, yes I had finals Monday. Oh well. Had a blast with great friends. Much needed break from reality. Let's fast forward to Monday after my exams. I am napping in bed when my phone rings. I answer the random number and it's my ex's mother. She had called to tell me how much he missed me and asked if I would write and possibly visit him. REALLY?!? Really? I am going to guess she doesn't know we broke up, hell she didn't even realize I live in Orlando not Ft. Lauderdale. The next day I wake up realizing that today is the ex's day for visitors. The day after his mother called me. I tossed it around in my head. Should I? Shouldn't I? Well, here is where the idiot in me decided to show up. I got into my car and started driving. I drove to Ft. Lauderdale to go see him. Now best part of my trip, beside the fact that I was constantly questioning myself the entire ride. I get to the jail only to be told that he has already had a visitor that day and that I should try again next week. Oh, and I should get there earlier... Well, that ride back was the most miserable time of my life. It prompted me to go out Tuesday night, which was also fun.

Now to the subject of this post. I have a crush. He is seeing someone and questioning whether or not he's gay. PERFECT! I am a mess. Crazier part about this is that he reminds me of another guy I had a crush on up at school. It's crazy. Every time I look into his face I see this other guy. They are similarly awkward, but the one up at school knew he was gay and was actually kind of scared of girls (lol). It's weird. I can see all the red flags and I still can't help myself. Oh not to mention he has terrible friends. He seems to have one decent one, but the rest are just awful. Unfortunately he is linked to one friend via money (this one is actually the worst of them all. $50,000 in plastic surgery and it's awful). Well, that's it for the night. Need some sleep.

Bulletproof

So instead of studying like I should have I went out with friends, heard this one before but somehow it really means something now...


LA ROUX 'BULLETPROOF'

And I Want To Be Known For My Hits, Not Just My Misses

I took a shot and didn't even come close...

I hate this part. The tables have been turned. Am I letting this happen because this is really what is best or is this pride and control? Another one I have had to cut off, who has cut me out. Defreinded, blocked, you name it it's been severed. Is this what comes with honesty? Would he rather I avoided the truth and lead him on to something I knew was never going to happen? I even tried to be nice about it, I said that I needed the space, that I couldn't handle being friends just yet. I got "FUCK U" in return.
Let's be honest a moment, I knew that we were over, I had the balls to tell him so, I am not the one who asked the other person to hold out and wait for everything in their life to clear up and then they would be able to give like a good boyfriend should, like what I deserved in the first place. I was not the one to say I LOVE YOU! I was not the one to push the other person to say it back. AND the biggest offense of them all, I was not the one who said "You don't know what love is. You're just a kid." I am the one who realized however that no matter what he was going through that I would never be viewed as an equal. I would be "the kid", the one under his control. Thus, for my own sake, I ended it.

The worst part, since we broke up he keeps popping into my head. Since I told him we're no longer a couple I find little reminders everywhere. A song, an action, a saying, any other guy i talk to... I messed around with Jax guy aka the guy who I got into the huge fight with. Anyways in the time since that we made up and have actually become friends again. Sadly, I'm finding that his intentions seem to go beyond friendship. I don't think he wants to date, well at least he tells (read lies to) me and says he knows we're not gonna be together. Yet I spent the weekend with him thinking it was just going to be fun and he would stay at his girlfriend's house down the street. Not so much, even while we were messing around (may i add mostly just kissing) I found myself rationalizing it. Not like I wanted it, but since it was there and I'm lonely I'll take it. I haven't told him this because, well because it's not easy to tell someone after the fact you were using them and you were fully conscious of it. I mean, I'm sure we were using each other to a certain degree, but I feel disgusted at myself for just allowing it to happen. I knew immediately that it's not what I really wanted, but it's really hard to say the to someone in your bedroom at 1am. At least we didn't actually sleep together, although I think that's what he's after. I think it's one of those things he just wants to get out of his system. The thing is that its not something I want in my system... He has been a great councilor, but a part of me wonders if he's attempting to sequester me for himself. Luckily he's not gonna be around for a while, no one is. This weekend will be studying for my two finals on Monday. Let this semester just end already. I feel like I have gone full circle, just to find myself ready to start falling again.
To not be so dreary, I did have an interview with American University of Antigua for medical school and was introduced to Girls Aloud this past week. I'm just trying to pick myself up and stop thinking about him. It was a quick relationship, but God did it hit me hard. I got that spark, that magic, that intangible "something" only to have it slowly and painfully burn out just when it came. I fell, I fell so hard he missed it and just let me keep falling. Well, eventually that bottomless pit has to come to an end. Right?
OH... In other news, came out to my Mom on Thanksgiving Day. Less of an ordeal than I realized it would be. Not too much of a shocker apparently or whatever... I mean, she had been hinting at it for a while and finally she just dragged it out of me, I confirmed that I was dating someone at the time who happened to be a man. Kill me now. I'll let he tell my dad, they apparently discussed it anyways before, so they can discuss it after. If he has any questions for me he can bring them up, I would just like to take this moment ot say that my brother never had to sit them down and say "I'm straight" so why should I have to tall them my own status. YAY double standards! Anything else? Anything? I guess that's good for the moment. Enjoy the video below, couldn't find it anywhere to embed, so the link is below.

Sorry to any readers if this post seems a bit scatterbrained. As i was writing I went back and forth over things which brought up new ideas, which brought up other issues. At some point there was a slight edit, but I jsut don't have the patience to reorder everything so it makes sense. It is what it is. It is me and my thoughts, trapped in my room, trying to study. I feel like that is never a pretty scene anyways,  so why should the writing be?

Lyrics at the end as usual... I almost cried when this started playing a few minutes ago as I was typing this entry. I don't know how to feel about it all right now and music just let's me know at least there's something to feel.

I can’t believe what you said to me
Last night when we were alone
You threw your hands up
Baby you gave up, you gave up

I can’t believe how you looked at me
With your James Dean glossy eyes
In your tight jeans with your long hair
And your cigarette stained lies

Could we fix you if you broke?
And is your punch line just a joke?

I’ll never talk again
Oh boy you’ve left me speechless
You’ve left me speechless, so speechless

And I'll never love again
Oh boy you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless.

I can’t believe how you slurred at me
With your half wired broken jaw
You popped my heart seams
On my bubble dreams, bubble dreams

I can’t believe how you looked at me
With your Johnnie Walker eyes
He’s gonna get you and after he’s through
There’s gonna be no love left to rye

And I know that it’s complicated
But I’m a loser in love, so baby
Raise a glass to mend
All the broken hearts
Of all my wrecked up friends

I’ll never talk again
Oh boy you’ve left me speechless
You’ve left me speechless so speechless

I’ll never love again,
Oh friend you’ve left me speechless
You’ve left me speechless, so speechless

Hooow?
Haaaa-oooo-ow-ow?
Haaaa-ahah-ah-ooow?

Hooow?
Haaaa-oooo-ow-ow?
Haaaa-ahah-ah-ooow?

And after all the drinks and bars that we’ve been to
Would you give it all up?
Could I give it all up for you?

And after all the boys and the girls that we’ve been through
Would you give it all up?
Could you give it all up?
If I promised, boy, to you

That I’ll never talk again
And I’ll never love again

I’ll never write a song
Won’t even sing along
I’ll never love again

So speechless, hey hey.
You left me speechless, so speechless aye aye
You ever talk again, oh boy why you so speechless?
You left me speechless, so speechless

Some men may follow me
But you choose “death and company”
Why you so speechless? Oh, oh

Girls Aloud-Call The Shots

That boy is a monster ...

Another one bites the dust.... Sadly my friend Rich completely called it. Even worse is that I was in a toxic relationship and could very easily have just settled for it. I abandoned everything for him. I fell hard for someone at what appears like the worst time for us both. I trusted him and he pushed it, then he pulled the reins on it all. How do you tell someone you love them, then completely discount they're feeling when they say it back? Well, that was the beginning of the end. I need someone who sees me as an equal, not a child they can manipulate into staying with them. The worst part is that I know he is going through a rough time in his life and he never gave me the credit for realizing it. So, now I am stuck alone again in this terrible little town full of gossip queens and bullshit. I have enought to keep me busy for a while, but I need to figure out a way to either a) get him to come to terms with the fact we're broken up b) ignore all his attempts to contact me c) just act like him and pretend like nothing happened and we're automatically friends again. Well right now I'm going with ignoring him. I tried to be nice and have simply gotten a childish response. Well, I leave tis post with basically what this relationship was-

Look at him
Look at me
That boy is bad
And honestly
He’s a wolf in disguise
But I can’t stop staring in those evil eyes

I asked my girlfriend if she’d seen you round before
She mumbled something while we got down on the floor baby
We might’ve fucked not really sure, don’t quite recall
But something tells me that I’ve seen him, yeah

Redemption?

I have just started dating a man old enough to be my very young father. It's an amazing when you look at it really. Our relationship should not work for so many reasons, but it does. I need no one else when I am with him. Let me just lay next to him and my world is complete. I don't want for anything. No one else compares. Has it really happened?

I love him...

More and more, it feels like I'm doing a really bad impersonation of myself

I had people warn me that heading down the road of casual sex leads to emptiness, but I didn't believe them. I had to run down that dark alley, find the pot hole and face plant. Unfortunately, it is a one way street and the only thing to do is pick my ass back up and hope there is a crossroads coming up back into civilization.

I feel disgusting on so many levels. I feel subhuman as far as self worth and I also feel fat because I haven't been to the gym in a week... Ugh! I guess if I'm gonna have people talk shit about me I don't want it to be about how I let myself go. Let them call me whatever they want and shun me in public, but I may as well look good while they're doing it.

"If I can't be beautiful, I want to be invisible"

PS My education is really paying off- I know how to trick my body into thinking it slept much better than it actually did. Yay for 1 REM cycle!!!

If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t...

I feel like I have become something I never wanted to be. I have plenty of people willing to give me what I no longer want. I am tired of feeling empty, yet I don't know how to change it. I feel like I lit my life on fire last night. No, actually, fire is to long and drawn out. I feel like I decided to drop an hydrogen bomb square on the few gay friends I have tried to make in this town, just to ensure complete and utter destruction. In a moment I realized just how badly I had fucked it all up. In a moment I now no longer want to show my face out in public. I just want to crawl back to my life before this. It wasn't glamorous, but god, at least I was doing well in school and I didn't feel like crap every other day.

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you can find your prince right? When will I feel some emotional connection to someone deeper than an orgasm? What is wrong with me? I just want that amazing feeling of I want you, I need you, please be mine...

"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me.
A mutual addiction"

There lies the problem... I feel like I miss the connection by just a bit. I want someone in my life to be my cocaine. I want them more than food, water and most importantly more than anyone else.

Until then I will just be sitting here, wishing I had just gone to a movie yesterday instead of playing dumb (unfortunately I wasn't playing, but I think everyone else is pretty sure it was just blatant disrespect and gall).

Being Sick Sure Gives You Way too Much Time to Reflect on Things

So, I have been meaning to get some things down on here. Since the last time things have gone in some rather ridiculous and crazy directions.

I am now back in school and while it keeps me busy I have a fair amount of free time, which for a while I was filling with men. At some point I looked and asked myself, "What am I doing?" Right now I am trying to piece things together and figure out this new scene I have found myself in. My biggest fear is I wake up one morning and find myself a friendless whore, it is apparently pretty easy to do in this cruel small city.

Have actually met a few decent guys online that have turned into more than just hook ups. None are boyfriend material, but friendship seems to work better for me than relationships. So, right now I am trying to meet people and make friends in this new city. Although the feeling I get is that if you want friendship, don't ask gay men especially online.

Despite all that I have made a few great friends via a guy I met online who is actually my age (nice change from the 40+ year olds that are usually lurking out there). He has introduced me to some of his friends who live around here and I am now able to almost start networking and making friends here sans internet. We'll see how things go.

Also since my last post, the girl who was fucking my best friend had since stopped and we were talking. Next thing I knew she had a real boyfriend. I talked to her the other day and she said it ended because her heart belongs to me. Wow... At one point I could have said the same, but now I am not so sure. I feel awful about it, but know I can't help it. She had my heart, but then I thought she was out of my life. It's almost like the blonde girl up at school, but a bigger mess. Oh, well. We'll see how things work out. I am not opposed to going on a date and see where things go form there.

In the time since my last blog I also cut ties with a guy who helped me when I was struggling with the whole idea of even messing around with men. I have come a long way since then and somewhere along the line I think he reminded me of that darm time in my life where I wasn't sure and pretty much hated myself. Somehow talking to him brought me back to that place each conversation. Add to that the direction our relationship was heading and my utter fear of actually confronting things and here we are. I feel awful about it, but it was one of those things that I sadly had to do. I still check up on him via his blog and really do wish him all the best.

Lastly- I say I don't know what I'm looking for, but that's not true. I am looking for that spark, that feeling, that deep intangible something that is found in great relationships. I understand they aren't easy to maintain, but shouldn't there be a point in the beginning at least where you are not attempting to force it to work. I knwo this exists because a friend of mine just found it, granted it was with a girl, but it still gives me hope. There are times where I fee like a failure in love because unfortuantely all I have lately to show for my efforts are burning wreckage and unrequited crushes. Well, the hunt continues.

Until next time...

Perfect Timing

I have just been smitten by a girl who is currently sleeping with my best friend. The real kicker is that he has a girlfriend and she knows it. There's a whole long explanation, but let's just say it's not cheating (I don't get it, but it's the truth). But I digress, back to her. She is smart, beautiful, ambitious, sarcastic and the best part is that she likes me. The worst part is the timing of it all. Why can't anything in my life be simple? Am I destined to fall for girls who are with other guys?

This comes on the wings of me wondering what I am. Who am I attracted to? Is it really possible to be attracted to men and women? I saw this girl and time stood still for a moment. It just adds to the confusion that is my fucked up head. Anyways, I think we'll leave this there. I am a mess.

It is what it is...

A Few Things About Me

I have decided to try and start posting things other than my rants on here. I was laying in bed the other night and realized that anyone who would flip through this blog would find a weird kid depressed because he doesn't know which way is up in life. They wouldn't know that I love singing and photography. I have to go to the gym regularly otherwise I become neurotic and depressed. Music can set or reset my mood. There is something special about the moment a great song comes on, it can completely reverse even the worst moods (even if it is only temporarily).

Ok, this is a start. I am kind of out of things to say at the moment. I'll figure it out. More to come soon

How Much WilL Things Really Ever Change?

Tomorrow I am graduating from college. Tomorrow I get to figure out what I am doing with the rest of my life. I am 22 and feel completely lost. The thing I hate most about the medical profession is that you have to be completely on top of your shit to become a part of it. I can't just wander and wade through until I find what's right. I have to decide soon. I am beginning to feel trapped by what I want to do and it's scaring me. I have no back up plan, no alternative career. There is medicine at the moment and that's about it. Jesus, is this how the future is supposed to feel? "When did the future switch from being a promise to being a threat?" I just want to know if I am doing the right thing, is that so wrong? That's my professional life, my personal life is in soooooo much more of an uproar.
I am sitting here with my brother watching a movie and wondering whether or not I should tell him about everything with me and men. Is there ever a convenient time to tell people about your sexual preference? A perfect moment to come out? I just don't want to be stuck back in the conventions that I have lived in for so long and finally broke free of, but when I tell people from home it's permanent. Even if this is just a phase it will forever be a part of my history that can come out to whoever I am dating. What happens if I end up with a woman? Are my parents really going to bring up old baby pictures and casually slip in that I also used to like men? If I end up with a guy it is much easier to explain this type of confusion and experimenting. Anyone who has battled with heir sexuality knows what I mean. It is difficult being the minority and such an outcast minority at that. Sexual identity is one of those things that makes far too many people uncomfortable to deal with, especially in America. I have met a few foreign kids who say that things like this are no big deal. Who you sleep with is not a defining characteristic of who you are. I wish that was the case here. I can't help but feel like when I go home it's a whole different ball game. People at this college are taught to appreciate diversity. In the South that's not always the case.

No time like the present I guess...

Just What Did I Give Up?

Unfortunately when you have screwed up your sleep schedule as much as I have you may find yourself at night rolling around for hours at a time. This is a dangerous time when you can't figure things out otherwise. I sat in bed the other night just pondering over everything that I talked about in the last post and then suddenly my ex came up in my mind. I started thinking to myself why did I ever leave him? There was nothing wrong with it. We were happy, he was a good guy, he was good to me and I threw it all away. I just felt so stupid. Then the next day I saw him for the first time in about a week. Suddenly all those thoughts came rushing back and hit me like a fist in the face. I nearly had a panic attack. I don't know what I am doing with my life or my relationships, but I realized that everything I have done has made it so that I couldn't go back if I wanted to. It just added to all of the confusion I have been feeling lately and drove me deeper into my questioning mind. Jesus, I'm a mess. I need to stop having random panic attacks.

FUCK!

You have to jump into disaster with both feet.

What I really hate is me so I hate pretty much everybody.

Your birth is a mistake you will spend your whole life trying to correct.

Who Am I?

I just had my final critiques for sculpture and photo. It was a very bizarre experience to talk to professors outside of the sciences about my future. I sit here without any idea of what I'm sure about in my life anymore. I look at the life I have planned out and wonder if I have actually found myself in it all. Am I really sure that i want to go to medical school? Hell for that matter am I even sure about who I am? Recently I have been feeling very bizarre about the person I am becoming. I don't know if I am changing for the better or worse. I feel like the life I am leading is nothing remotely close to the dreams I had. I almost feel like I have wandered too far away from it to ever make that who I end up being. The wife and kids and a dog... I see it flying out the window and it scares me so much that I have come to question everything else.

On top of all of this I have also recently admitted to myself that I have a drinking problem and I'm seriously doubting whether or not I will ever be able to feel true deep unselfish love. Lately I have simply spent a lot of my time being numb and just getting through it all. I think a change of scenery would be a great benefit and there is no better time than after college graduation to get such a change. I just hope I can keep the voice in my head that keeps telling me to do terrible things down for long enough to make it out of here alive and unharmed. I don't have any crutches left to depend on, it's going to be one long and bumpy ride.

I got troubled thoughts
And the self-esteem to match
What a catch

Is It SO Wrong?

Today in my photo class a girl presented this picture of a guy with an amazing body (picture Abercrombie model) measuring his waist with a tape measure, trying to make it as small as possible. You could see the tape biting into his skin. The photos were about a friend who had battled with anorexia, but the first thing everyone noticed was the body. It's times like this I wonder how unfortunate it would be to become eating disordered. Do the ends justify the means? I just found it very bizarre to see this contrast presented in such a subtle way and even more bizarre at how most people simply couldn't see the depth.
The scary thing about male eating disorders is how little is known about them. I feel like the public has pretty much buried the issue since men aren't supposed to have these types of problems. Unfortunately all of us are stuck in a culture that worships being thin, while the majority of us are simply not.
I think I caught what it was about very quickly because I looked at them at first as simply eye candy. Like taking a picture of something geometric, patterned or textured. I felt like it's easy to make someone who looks like that look good- boring. I don't know whether it's because of the class or because of how the person looked, but my first reaction to the picture was disdain.

After that I feel shallow and disgusted with myself for letting thoughts like this creep into my head. My first thought was I'm definitely going to the gym today. I had already planned to, but this just brought that to the forefront. This is what happens when you become a histrionic exhibitionist. I better be careful, I think my insecurities are showing and they can't simply be tucked away or cut off like a tag on a shirt.
Sadly, at the moment I feel trapped. I'm not thin enough to be "beautiful" and I'm not fat enough to be considered a hopeless/lost cause. I feel like this place in between is where many of us find ourselves. We go to the gym to feel like we are working towards this goal of what our culture calls the ideal.

Next time you look in the mirror, tell me what you see. Is it good? Bad? Ugly? Is it the person you want to see? Expect to see?

Is it you?`