I am what I am...

Just the latest music I've found to keep me entertained. Douglas Hodge definitely deserved the Tony for his performance if the live version is even 1/2 as good as the album. Gives me chills every time I listen to it.

I don't know what to right. My life at the moment is rather uneventful. My mom asked me if I was ok... I'm content, I'm busy, I'm alive. I guess that sort of defines OK.


PS Happy Valentine's Day. I doubt I'll be back on here until after since I have a wonderful test about parasites that day and genetics the next. Who needs chocolate and flowers from someone you love when you can answer questions about Trichinella and Echinococcus from your professor? Joy...

"Whatever it is you want in life, act like it.

If you want a boyfriend, act like it. If you want to be a whore, act like it. But the two are rarely interchangeable."

I sadly don't have the time for a boyfriend, or the desire to be a whore. Left out in the cold once again...

In other news, I randomly found I am loving these 2 tracks from Burlesque. The movie  was good, but these two songs have kind of stuck out for very different reasons. Somehow in the 3 days since I got them I've listened to them almost 100 times (not each, but still)







So I think for right now I am just going to have to settle for acting like I want to be doctor, school matters and I have no life... Who's acting?

Things lately...

Since break, I have come back to school. My life back to this grind. This term is going fine, I just feel weirdly about it. I don't know what I am going to do when real life sets in and the place I call "home" is no longer temporary. I am bored of this island already, just like I as bored of Orlando. At least here I have goals and my life isn't completely on hold. Also, this is truly just temporary and I know I'm not the only person who doesn't like this place. The biggest problem I'm having this time is that, unlike most of my friends I am tired of just drinking away everything. It's easy to find a reason to drink- school, this damned island, peer pressure, depression, desperation, social awkwardness, etc. etc. But to go be with them and not drink is impossible. They are not social drinkers, 1 or 2 is not in their vocabulary. I don't want to drink, but with them I have to. So, what are my options?

1)Abandon friends (I have kind of been avoiding them, not gonna lie)
2) Find new friends who don't drink (a lot of effort and those people are usually always studying, so not really any fun)
3) Sit alone in my room and watch movies or sleep (Since my birthday, this has been my go to)
4) Well, I don't think there is a 4... Kind of all of the above, which would best define what I have been doing

I am weirdly lonely in a place full of people. I don't mind it most of the time, but then there are those moments where I just want someone to come over or message me and ask to watch a movie or hang out and talk or go to dinner... I get tired of eating, watching movies and even sleeping alone. I have no time to cultivate a relationship, yet I just want that one person so so badly. For my selfish I need someone moments, but when I'm busy you can go entertain yourself. FUCK!

Will I ever meet someone who is that one person for me? Will I ever end up settling down in a city I can actually call home? Or will there always be something wrong, will I just get tired of them, will something better just always be out there? If it's not them it must be me... Right?

Well, I need to go to bed. I'm already going to be exhausted tomorrow as it is. I don't need to stay up any longer pondering all the questions of the universe tonight.

Sadly, I was just coming on to write how there is nothing to write about because things have been so boring. I guess I have been so lackadaisical lately I haven't even stopped to look at how miserable I can be sometimes. Dammit, should have stopped while I was ahead...

Home Sweet Home?

I love being home, but I hate my hometown. I want to be anywhere but stuck at home. I love my parents, but I feel trapped. None of my friends are here, I'm not getting any and I just want to be almost anywhere else.

Forgot to publish this over break... woops.


Addendum: I still felt this way by then end of break. The good news is I got to run away for a bit to Jacksonville and Tampa to take my mind off the numbness of home.

This About Sums Up The Last 3 Months...

Glover's (aka The only restaurant in the student center)




Classes...

Swaggerjackin...

Still loving that Keri Hilson song (see previous post). Just puts a smile on my face, a spring in my step and maybe a little swish in the hips (just when no one is lookin haha). It's been an awesome pick me up lately.

Now I also found Rihanna ft. Drake. Didn't like it at first, but this song has grown on me. It even made it into a playllist (that's pretty major in my music book).



Now for something delightfully trashy...



Gay party tonight. Let's see what drama unfolds this time. Hopefully I won't have anything to do except sit back and watch. I can hope... right?

So Much Better...

Why not move on? Stop complaining and grow up. I have no list, but this song made me smile today, so it ends up here...



I have been listening to a lot of Showtunes lately. While I am no connoisseur, it's just nice to settle back into some familiar music and enjoy real singing.

Busy busy busy... No time for the bs. It feels good. I cling to the distant hope of being treated decently, but it fades with each passing day. Soon indifference will set in and then I'll be off this rock for good anyways. Logic does prevail in the end.




Just found this... Including it. Lovin it. Get it.

Busy With A Bleeding Heart

School is picking back up. Finals loom, thus I am kicking back into high gear. I don't hate him, I don't miss him, I don't envy him... What I hate is being alone. I transferred all my loneliness into anger and then projected on to him and his happiness. I swallowed all my pride and shame, finally most of the time I feel nothing (better than rage). I just get lonely.

Straight, It's The New Gay

Nothing Like A Good Workout And Some Gaga

Gotta give it up when a song makes you feel good. And both of these have been doin it for me lately. Gagalupe...




I love Gaga, but this shit is hilarious...

I Did The Right Thing And I Still Feel Like Shit...

If I'm nice does it show continued interest? If I'm mean is it just jealousy?

I hate that they have each other, in front of my face and I am left alone. Here I am again. Just flailing and trying to keep it together. I know I can't hate him for not liking me, I don't. I hate him for making my life so difficult only to turn around and show me how easy it is for him to be with someone if he is also interested. It hurts that I was stupid enough to fall in his trap and now I have my face rubbed in it, like a dog that just pissed the carpet. Had he just let me know what the rules were, where I stood I could deal with it. Yet, Here I am. No closure. It's a bit too late to ask where we stand (I'm not that stupid or naive to hold on to hopes of us), but a simple explanation of everything that lead up to this point. Just throw me a fucking rope that isn't around my neck for once. I feel like everything I do is the wrong choice. If I talk to him I feel like I'm just talking to a wall, an awkward wall at that. If I ignore him I feel like an asshole for not talking to him. I feel like he's so beyond over it, he has a boy and a puppy (which is super cute btw, that's what filled a lot of my time at the BBQ). I'm sure I'm the last thing on his mind. I have my pillow and a growing empty pit in my heart. I am starting to feel a bit hopeless and bitter, which is never a good place to be in your psyche. You might say and do things you never meant to, because discipline can only win out for so long. I can only pretend like he's not an asshole who jerked me around and deserves a good beating (physical or emotional) for so long. There sadly is never a good time to call someone out who has emotionally wronged you and then left you for someone else...

Yeah I know it's stupid
But I just got to see it for myself

I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her
I'm right over here, why can't you see me
I'm givin' it my all, but I'm not the girl you're takin' home
I keep dancin' on my own

This song got me through a similar situation almost 5 years ago. I feel like this won't be the last time I turn to Sevendust for a little healing.

There's not one thing that you can say to make it right
Unless you say "I'm leavin"
And if you're not...then please tell me why
Please tell me why you can't
Save face
Say it to my face

Been listening to this too lately. I like the remix better, but couldn't find it so...

Kill 'Em With Kindness...

The smile on my face hes become less of an expression of joy and more a default mask to the world. The BBQ was fun (read the last post). He was there, his bf was there, they were all over each other and i served them each a piece of cake...
What else can I do? I have no hard feelings, well that's not completely true, but I am basically swallowing my hard feelings and trying to move on. It just sucks when the other person gets to move on first with someone else. I never actually got an answer from him about anything, not just why he didn't like me, but the cold shoulder, the flirting, etc. I am left with a hole in my chest, trying to use a band aid to cover up the mess that really needs stitches. It all heals in time, it just sucks right now. The good news i I can see far enough to know I'll be just fine.




So swallow the knife, carve the way for your pride...

Kiss and Make Up...

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.I hate this. I hate this.

So I am swallowing my pride and trying to play nice. I have talked to the guy Matt made out with. I have even sort of talked to him, although that initial interaction was not exactly what I was expecting. I was talking with his new guy and then he walked over and talked about not sleeping and I kind of chastised him about not sleeping. That's when he told me he had a test in the morning and while it's not my preferred method of studying I can condone an all nighter for a test. Then Matt said "What you can't just know my motives without me having to vocalize them?" My response, "No... But that would have saved me a lot of trouble." I just couldn't resist. I know it doesn't seem like a very reconcilliary thing to say given what I was trying to do, but if anyone knows me they'd know that I'm only half serious with remarks like that. Oh well, haven't talked since but there's a BBQ on Sunday at a friend's house that we'll both be attending. My battle plan is play nice and let the world know I have no hard feelings with anyone. It may not be fair, but it's the smartest thing I can do for myself. Holding on to all this crap is gonna do nothing but get me sick (I need not to catch my roommates cold, so this will be one less stressor on my life).

It would just be nice if he put a little effort into things too, since he's actually the one that caused this.

Are You Hungry For Wonderful?

'Cause I Am...