Did I blow it? I think I dismissed him before I ever gave it a chance, but he really never gave it much effort either. I made the effort to see him wherever he was, he's never been to my town for any reason. Now that we're apart I find myself thinking about him a little bit too much. It's true that he hurt me and I know that I should just move on. The problem is in some weird fucked up way I might have convinced myself the only way someone can hurt you is if you liked them to begin with. What do I care if some random guy sleeps with someone else I know? At least someone out there is getting some. Yet me being there and choosing someone else over me, like a knife in the back right where I can't reach. I spent a weekend having a panic attack trying to make it seem like nothing bothered me. I tried to pretend that I was fine when I got down here. I was shaking while I talked to him about it (even if it was just over IM). It hit me much harder than I ever thought it would, or that I thought I would let it. We both realize the reality of our situation, but I think I'm the only one dwelling. If not, he does a hell of a job at hiding it.
Is it jealousy, pride, or do I actually like this guy?
At the same time I have another guy who really likes me. He's a great guy too. Sexy, nice, safe, nerdy (my heart melts). The problem is we haven't had much of a chance to spend together. The problem with both of them is that they are both tied up in school for the next year at least. Meanwhile I have no idea where the hell I'm gonna be in the coming years. NY for a year, god knows where after that... My life will be very much locked in come Spring 2014, but until then it's all up in the air and I really can only hope to find someone who I love that loves me enough to deal with such ridiculous uncertainty and then the certain terms that come with how busy I will be once I become a resident.
Is something missing? Or am I just delusional and destined to be (in)complete by myself?
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