Call Me A Sucker...

I made it through Valentine's Day this year without a panic attack, meltdown, hell hardly even a 2nd thought. Been digging Jessie J for a bit. This song I just can't help but smile when I hear, so why not post something that doesn't sound like an emo tween wrote.












PS Is it bad that I'm sort of happy knowing other people are single even though they have options to date? There's a weird dichotomy that comes with hoping someone will wait for you and wanting them to be happy even without you.



Oh and just some other stuff I've been listening to lately that helps the hours turn to days to countdown when I'm done here...








We have to take our clothes off. We have to party all night. We have to take our clothes off to have a good time... Makes me giggle thinking about having someone to have a good time with. Yes, I am officially a giddy school girl. I can live with it for the moment.

You Blocked Me On Facebook... And Now You're Going to Die!

No I didn't get blocked. No I didn't block anyone. Yet I feel like there are parts of this song that I really connect to. I'm so dependent on the internet to talk to anyone back in the US that if they don't reply, don't answer, never start the conversation I am left wondering what went wrong? I have had some pretty ugly fleeting thoughts in times of uncertainty with this type of stuff, so I just had to post this song after I
heard it.

In other news, it seems like the rest of the world is continuing on with their personal lives. Possible dates, new relationships, hope... It hurts for several reasons in these circumstances.

1) I have sort of weird history with all the guys I talk to back in the states. We tried, sort of succeeded and failed and retried dating or whatevering over breaks, when I was home. It hasn't left me with much in terms of a boyfriend or potential boyfriend, but I have made some decent friends (most of the time).

2) Jealousy... stemming form above fucked up complicated relationships. Emotions were involve in these things, but it clearly wasn't enough to overcome a 6 month separation.

3) It points out my own lack of a personal life and I think that hurts the most... I really want them to be happy, but it takes a lot to swallow my own misery and watch them go off into the sunset. I put on my best face and bury my head back into a textbook, so I don't lash out.


Now that I've gotten that out of the way, excuse me while I go back and learn how the actual heart fucks up (Cardiovascular pathology).

What Could Have Been?

Did I blow it? I think I dismissed him before I ever gave it a chance, but he really never gave it much effort either. I made the effort to see him wherever he was, he's never been to my town for any reason. Now that we're apart I find myself thinking about him a little bit too much. It's true that he hurt me and I know that I should just move on. The problem is in some weird fucked up way I might have convinced myself the only way someone can hurt you is if you liked them to begin with. What do I care if some random guy sleeps with someone else I know? At least someone out there is getting some. Yet me being there and choosing someone else over me, like a knife in the back right where I can't reach. I spent a weekend having a panic attack trying to make it seem like nothing bothered me. I tried to pretend that I was fine when I got down here. I was shaking while I talked to him about it (even if it was just over IM). It hit me much harder than I ever thought it would, or that I thought I would let it. We both realize the reality of our situation, but I think I'm the only one dwelling. If not, he does a hell of a job at hiding it.

Is it jealousy, pride, or do I actually like this guy?








At the same time I have another guy who really likes me. He's a great guy too. Sexy, nice, safe, nerdy (my heart melts). The problem is we haven't had much of a chance to spend together. The problem with both of them is that they are both tied up in school for the next year at least. Meanwhile I have no idea where the hell I'm gonna be in the coming years. NY for a year, god knows where after that... My life will be very much locked in come Spring 2014, but until then it's all up in the air and I really can only hope to find someone who I love that loves me enough to deal with such ridiculous uncertainty and then the certain terms that come with how busy I will be once I become a resident.





Is something missing? Or am I just delusional and destined to be (in)complete by myself?

Just A Little Nothing...

So life has been super boring, but I sort of don't mind too much. The beauty of expecting nothing is you don't even bother to look up. It's very conducive to school, I just hope I don't end up in NY as this socially stunted idiot. This place is not real. It's like Fantasy Island, but it's only fantastical in the sense that all reality is severed once you step off the plane. 



EDIT: Wow I wrote this over 3 months ago and now that I've come back for my final semester I can honestly say I feel the exact same. That's impressive for me. I usually look back on certain posts and wonder what the hell I was complaining about. This time I know, I still know. I fell into a pretty deep depression my 1st week back to this place. The problem is that I had a taste of the real world only to have it thrown back in my face in some aspects then have it all ripped away for another 6 month stint here on "The Rock". Good God I really do seem to have developed nothing but hatred for this place. I guess it's no surprise when you're a burnt out student surrounded by the same people all the time with not even the slightest bit of an option even for a single date. DAMMIT!


On another note, I'm sick and it's late. I'm also so far beyond behind in school at the moment I can only pray to catch up by the time midterms roll around. It's gonna get real ugly, real quick :-(

I Don't Know Who You Are...

I just hope I find you soon.

I am what I am...

Just the latest music I've found to keep me entertained. Douglas Hodge definitely deserved the Tony for his performance if the live version is even 1/2 as good as the album. Gives me chills every time I listen to it.

I don't know what to right. My life at the moment is rather uneventful. My mom asked me if I was ok... I'm content, I'm busy, I'm alive. I guess that sort of defines OK.


PS Happy Valentine's Day. I doubt I'll be back on here until after since I have a wonderful test about parasites that day and genetics the next. Who needs chocolate and flowers from someone you love when you can answer questions about Trichinella and Echinococcus from your professor? Joy...

"Whatever it is you want in life, act like it.

If you want a boyfriend, act like it. If you want to be a whore, act like it. But the two are rarely interchangeable."

I sadly don't have the time for a boyfriend, or the desire to be a whore. Left out in the cold once again...

In other news, I randomly found I am loving these 2 tracks from Burlesque. The movie  was good, but these two songs have kind of stuck out for very different reasons. Somehow in the 3 days since I got them I've listened to them almost 100 times (not each, but still)







So I think for right now I am just going to have to settle for acting like I want to be doctor, school matters and I have no life... Who's acting?

Things lately...

Since break, I have come back to school. My life back to this grind. This term is going fine, I just feel weirdly about it. I don't know what I am going to do when real life sets in and the place I call "home" is no longer temporary. I am bored of this island already, just like I as bored of Orlando. At least here I have goals and my life isn't completely on hold. Also, this is truly just temporary and I know I'm not the only person who doesn't like this place. The biggest problem I'm having this time is that, unlike most of my friends I am tired of just drinking away everything. It's easy to find a reason to drink- school, this damned island, peer pressure, depression, desperation, social awkwardness, etc. etc. But to go be with them and not drink is impossible. They are not social drinkers, 1 or 2 is not in their vocabulary. I don't want to drink, but with them I have to. So, what are my options?

1)Abandon friends (I have kind of been avoiding them, not gonna lie)
2) Find new friends who don't drink (a lot of effort and those people are usually always studying, so not really any fun)
3) Sit alone in my room and watch movies or sleep (Since my birthday, this has been my go to)
4) Well, I don't think there is a 4... Kind of all of the above, which would best define what I have been doing

I am weirdly lonely in a place full of people. I don't mind it most of the time, but then there are those moments where I just want someone to come over or message me and ask to watch a movie or hang out and talk or go to dinner... I get tired of eating, watching movies and even sleeping alone. I have no time to cultivate a relationship, yet I just want that one person so so badly. For my selfish I need someone moments, but when I'm busy you can go entertain yourself. FUCK!

Will I ever meet someone who is that one person for me? Will I ever end up settling down in a city I can actually call home? Or will there always be something wrong, will I just get tired of them, will something better just always be out there? If it's not them it must be me... Right?

Well, I need to go to bed. I'm already going to be exhausted tomorrow as it is. I don't need to stay up any longer pondering all the questions of the universe tonight.

Sadly, I was just coming on to write how there is nothing to write about because things have been so boring. I guess I have been so lackadaisical lately I haven't even stopped to look at how miserable I can be sometimes. Dammit, should have stopped while I was ahead...

Home Sweet Home?

I love being home, but I hate my hometown. I want to be anywhere but stuck at home. I love my parents, but I feel trapped. None of my friends are here, I'm not getting any and I just want to be almost anywhere else.

Forgot to publish this over break... woops.


Addendum: I still felt this way by then end of break. The good news is I got to run away for a bit to Jacksonville and Tampa to take my mind off the numbness of home.

This About Sums Up The Last 3 Months...

Glover's (aka The only restaurant in the student center)




Classes...

Swaggerjackin...

Still loving that Keri Hilson song (see previous post). Just puts a smile on my face, a spring in my step and maybe a little swish in the hips (just when no one is lookin haha). It's been an awesome pick me up lately.

Now I also found Rihanna ft. Drake. Didn't like it at first, but this song has grown on me. It even made it into a playllist (that's pretty major in my music book).



Now for something delightfully trashy...



Gay party tonight. Let's see what drama unfolds this time. Hopefully I won't have anything to do except sit back and watch. I can hope... right?

So Much Better...

Why not move on? Stop complaining and grow up. I have no list, but this song made me smile today, so it ends up here...



I have been listening to a lot of Showtunes lately. While I am no connoisseur, it's just nice to settle back into some familiar music and enjoy real singing.

Busy busy busy... No time for the bs. It feels good. I cling to the distant hope of being treated decently, but it fades with each passing day. Soon indifference will set in and then I'll be off this rock for good anyways. Logic does prevail in the end.




Just found this... Including it. Lovin it. Get it.

Busy With A Bleeding Heart

School is picking back up. Finals loom, thus I am kicking back into high gear. I don't hate him, I don't miss him, I don't envy him... What I hate is being alone. I transferred all my loneliness into anger and then projected on to him and his happiness. I swallowed all my pride and shame, finally most of the time I feel nothing (better than rage). I just get lonely.

Straight, It's The New Gay